WHAT DID I MISS???

My first day out of prison....i thought about telling you about my last night in prison but its too much for me to express without all the emotional outcome overwhelming my saturday morning..its early..way too early for an emotional wreck!!!So instead the day i left...they start around 5am and shuffle evryone to chow earlier then your regular routine..your housed in a pod designed for either comming into the system or leaving!!many men have died in these cells..in the early 1800s when that place was built it was metal cast iron cages..then in the 1900s it became 6 by 11 cement cells...in the 70s it was rated the most violent prison in the us. i walked the yard with my close friend grandpa g and he pointed out many points of interest in the several years i walked the yard while he'd run down the old ways...he wasnt a good man..hes in his 70s now n everybit as dangerous if not more dangerous then he was in those days..the difference is now it would be his soldiers doing his deeds for him..earning serious status in stripes for protecting a legend behind those walls..we'd walk and talk i grew to not fear him as much but actually began to care about him and learn from this small old man...he showed me a path between two handball courts called blood alley..he explained in the 70s many men entered the alley and never returned with their life!!!anyway the morning i left he was in holding awaiting a medical trip as his health these days is deteriorating rapidly!! wages of sin i assume???he has 11 life sentences for killing 3 guards in an attempted armor truck heist!!!i once asked him why he killed all three???I HAD NO CHOICE..hmmmmmm this choice thing comes up often when your older..so anyhow at 6 am they start poping doors for you to bring your laundry down and this is when you really know your going home!!!many doors don't pop because of bond holds outta state warrants new charges ect. ect. so trust my words its the longest hour of your life.....my door popped!!!!i almost fainted...i grabbed my laundry and began my walk down the tier...iv'e told this story to one person before..my brother mj..in a letter that i mailed upon my release.. i kept a pad n pen for the whole departure and began the night before and ended the letter after i was in my dressout clothes awaiting the final gate to open!!!as i began my decent down the tier many voices rang out and my name but my nickname rang out and many things were said and some were heard!!i remember hearing>>hey CC do good outhere gansta send picures homie!!! and hey CC are you nervous dog??? and CC CC cc cc cc!!!! as i walked i told myself i have my niece and brother on each shoulder like angelic beings...angelz on my shoulders protecting my decent!!!i was almost thru it and grandpa gs ceel was 3rd to the last...i wondered what id say???i got closer and close...i didnt look into any cells i dint want to see any faces..as i passed his cell i didnt look at him...but i know he saw the tears running down my cheeks!!!anyway the rest went by like a whirlwind and it was on!!!the gate opened i was greeted by a friend that picked me up..i was given a new outfit shoes cellphone sum jewlery a few gifts and was chauferred away to my town!!!i stopped about 15 minutes away and met up with a prison guard who i gave a can of tobacco a pack of lighters a nd a gallon of vodka also a bag of macdonalds 99cent cheeseburgers and fries...ya i owed man...the guard would later bring them into the prison to my crew and my name would certainly ring out once more!!!ya see i got love in there for having this heart..do u think theyd stop n do all that for me???a free man out here and i stopped and did what i said i'd do...my best friend in there told me before i left..hey homie if you dont get a chance to meet up with the guard dont trip noone will be mad we are used to it..even the guard who was more with us then with the system had her doubts..yes HER doubts..but they cant figure out what they don't understand is there will always be men amongst men who have a lil more heart..who are loyal to a game that shows them no rewards??that isn't loyal to anyone and promises detrimental outcomes to everyone who has crossed paths with you!!anyway i finally arrived in my neighborhood around12 noon...i drove to an old apartment complex best described by shows such as the wire and any related shows revealing the drug and gang culture!!!i saw the lookouts and heard the whistles and watched the corner boys watch me with concern and no exspressions..i parked and got out..theres a basketball court in the middle of the complex and many actions stopped and focused on me...i opened the car door and turned around and changed my shirt for all to view my collage of prison ink i was so proud of!!!once i felt all my tatoos had been understood and taken in i turned around...just as i knew here came the boys...alotta kids n older guys came towarz me with smiles throwing up hoods and areas with their fingers...i scanned the group looking for one face..i saw it!!!a tall kid in the middle wearing all north carolina gear and a huge smile...it was him..my son!!!i shuffled thru the crowd n we hugged and i cried..my son said this is my dad big CC from the joint!!!it was a blurry of introductions..this is manuel we call him pelon..this is jos'e aka dreamer ect ect...i turned and hugged the youngsters and various questions rang out???do you know my dad,my brother my primo??what yars were you on iz my carnal cool do u like daddy yankee???do u need work u got a piece yet ???yo ur shoes are tight!!!after it all me n my son got in the car and drove...lets hit the swapmeet alright t i said???ya im down he said...we went to the swapmeet and got sum clothes more to our liking and it was funny cuz in the swapmeet i heard my name ring out immediately..i guess this is where the gangsterz go..alotta guys id been in prison with came over and said hey...no hugs out here cuz we were on a new playing field.street shit aint the pinta playa!!beefs dropped in there but out here it was the game n the street!!we didnt hug cuz everyone has guns in their waste...yes even after all my evolving i still carried heat!!!im not a dumb person!!!many choices can end in one instant and my first day out i wasnt about to die...not without a fight i mean...anyway we got our gear n headed to meet up with all my extended family mostly related to my son by blood and to me by gang affiliation!!! we pulled up to the resteraunt and shit got deep...i was hugged and greeted by everyone and we sat down orderd and waited for our food..i began to get warm then hot the i felt nacious sic.. i almost threw up!!!i looked around and people were whispering and pointing and i heard an elderly lady tell he husband i asked my nephew to accompany me to the bathroom and i walked in and completley broke down..i cried n cried and he'd already been outta prison a year and said damn uncs i told everyone it was too soon for you to come out to a resteraunt!!!we stood in silence and i washed my face n walked back out to our table..noone said anything and my son looked at me and nodded his head and we ate....i said my goodbyes and we drove off...i sat back n nodded off.. my adrenaline left and i was numb...when i sat down to write this morning this wasnt where i was going..but its where i ended up..hope ya feel me..i may finish this or i may talk about other things..but today a great deal later then where this story started im in my home with the christmas tree lit he firplace on...my laptop humming the music echoing and im warm and comfortable...no more game..nomore guns nomore traffik no more homiez no more crown!!!my sons asleep in his room and hes awaiting christmas morning ...its quiet here ...amongst the music and all its quiet!!theres no lookouts here theres no gang whistles signs or mentality..there are nomore soldierz awaiting orderz their are no more grand entrances to and from bars clubs or prision yards therez just silence and memories of a life so far gone i cant even recite it without thinking deep!!!i walk to the car unarmed nowdays i eat out and dont care if my backs to the front entrance i have a beatiful life..my son has one too...two years now and a quote from my favorite series the wire replays over and over in my head!!!IM HOME NOW!! IM HOME!!!

SILENCE

YA I HAVE TO FEEL A CERTAIN WAY TO TALK 4 A BLOGG!!!WRITING,TALKING WHATEVA YOU SAY!!!ITS OUR PERSPECTIVE THAT BLEEDS INTO INK AND EVOLVES INTO WORDS TYPED ON OUR PAGES!!!WITH THAT SAID I WAS THINKING ABOUT SILENCE!!!THE DIFFERENT KINDS??I REMEMBER WHEN SILENCE THREATNED MY HEALTH!! so anyway i feel like wen im sittn next to people be it my girl or my brother or my son..in between our conversing we enjoy comfortable silence and its priceless..i love to stare at my bestfriend while she drives n talks to me or just sits there quiet!!!i go to my dads house n sumtimes i lay way deep into hiz couch n enjoy the silence...its never silent there but my own silence is lovely while i listen and learn???itz one of my favorite things in the world to watch people live!!!i dont have much to say tonight however i wanted to talk about thiz thing i remembered on the movie jesse james by robert ford the coward...jesse had a repetitive eye type movent condition and the narrorator expressed thoughtz that jesses condition was almost as if the world was too much for jesse to see and take in all at once!!! i think of the statement often cuz my brothers gift for my birthday this year was a surgical removal of a tattoo on my face that symbolized convictionz!!! i didnt get the lazer i received the procedure of having it cut off of my face with a surgical knife..ever since iv'e had a flutter n twitch constantly!!! so i guess i think of that narrators wordz alot!!!ITS AS IF THE WORLD WAS TO BIG FOR HIM TO SEE AND TAKE IN!!!we know my reason my eye twitches to a 99 percent accuaracy however jesses aliement was guessed and opinions were revealed but maybe it was from a thousand different outcomes as a reasult of those times!!!its just funny to ponder what opions will be given on our conditions or aliemants to those hearing stories or reading books or watching movies of our time and us personally!!!just sum thoughts....

my brother's music

ARRIVAL part three

Before i tell more of this story about my life i want anyone reading this to understand that my writing isn't guidelined,i spell badly at times i end sentences wrong i fuck up phrases and sometimes my writings all over the place not to mention my puncuation is laughable i am only relieved you don't have to read this in my own handwriting...i write this way because thats what i do...this is me....iv'e read alot inside and out...i continue to read and learn..thats what im about im trying to evolve and writing runs in my family ...it's our gift some people tell me anyway...so anyway im just talking here.......i'l get back to the blog about my first days of prison but the point of all that is where i am now...im home with the a/c on listening to my ipod writing on my laptop...i just came home from work at a job i love and this is pretty much my life now....well actually it's much better then that but we'l talk about that later....i'l give ya a peek into the last three years since i left that life..iv'e been to the fray,blue october, coldwarkids,denguefever,the brazilian girlz,blondie,the music fests in hollywood,the casbah on clash night,catalina, santa barbara and cornodo island...i caught sharks all summer n cardiff and surfed and boogeyboarded the coast wide over...iv'e hike torrey pines and fished those coves at the lagoon...iv'e been to my nieces birthdayparty's every year since iv'e been home....i toasted many times at many resteraunts with many good people...iv'e eaten suishi twice and hated it both times...me n my brother have had many drunken nights....we played pool all across the valley from my dads to the colorado to the brass and even an irish pub at 2am drunk as hell....me n my bestfriend and girl have drinkin pints of guiness at the sod while mj sang...my son opened presents on our living room floor for christmas and his birthday and sometimes just cuz im home now...we had barbecues out back and even lil vinny showed...i golfed badly on a sunday with my brother but that ain't the point did you hear me i said i went golfing???all of these things are small compared to what im leaving out but thats personal...i will say this....i was at the beach ocean fishing with my son this summer and i hope everyone in their life gets to feel something comparable to the way i felt when my son caught 3 sandsharks in one day...we were side by side and my girlfriend shared the expirience...with us...he's still a kid and the weight of th world was lifted for a day and he smiled...he's not unusual he's just another kid who had his dad come home after missing his life due to choices i'd made....theres millions of kids who live that everyday...but on that day we were just fishing and smiling alot.....

ARRIVAL ON THE YARD part two

The bus stopped and again we were shuffled off and coralled like cows in a group...noone was acting tuff everyone looked guilty..to me thats the same look as scared cuz you know the gigs up..the prison guards are built like tanks and they start the intimidating right off..they hurried us into a place called the fishtank where you are sprayed with a lye like substance and you give 3 viles of blood they take your photos and issue your prison gear and finally feed you...theres a window to the prison yard and the lowest form of mankind was viewed by all through that window...some tuff guy prisioners would stop n stare at you as if to say just wait til your on this side of the glass punk your ass is mine...i stared back !!!I wasn't really worried about the inmates as much as never seeing the people i loved again...next i was taken to my cell in the fishtank where i'd be housed for six weeks on 24 hour 7 day a week lockdown..at the time i almost lost it..later in my prison career i'd do 2 years in the hole and it wouldn't even phase me but this was the beginning so i wasn't coping i was slowly losing my grip...when i was brought into the fish tank cell immediately i put my food flap down and surveyed the inmates coming to everyones cell offering cigarettes weed heroin stamps lighters matches ect...the first thing they wanna know is your gang affiliation so if your connected or clicked up as we said..they'd give you love meaning the prices went from 3 stamps for a smoke to like 20 smokes for a couple stamps or even a few free smokes n maybe a joint or stamps...i bought like 30 smokes for a couple stamps and sat at my little table and rolled smokes and kicked around some stories with my cellie[cellmate] and we smoked and joked nervously...my intake passed and the day came to go to the main line[the main prison housing yard] and i rolled up my stuff and was escorted down a cement path surrounded by razorwire and above every path was a cat walk where guards with shotguns and machine guns roamed intensely....i looked over at a big sign that i thought was a stopsign but it read NO WARNING SHOTS i asked one of the guards what that means and he said if you make an agressive move on a guard or another inmate we reserve the right to shoot to kill no warning shot..i waited at the gate and was cleared to go through..as i continued through it was just a pure scene of racial ignorance..mexicans piled up whites piled up and blacks everywhere...the mexicans yelled out we'l see you in side essay..i looked at them and said to myself those are the men who will end my life...i continued on and some crips said whats up cuz and a whiteboy said who you riding with partner?? i just walked into my pod and was directed to my cell and i went in threw my shit on the bed and waited for them essays...soon enough they came but i wasn't all that scared i was just hoping if they stabbed me it was done fast..and i was kinda hoping i would just die that day and it'd all be over...the shotcaller came in my cell with his troops behind him and said you alright??? i said not really man...he said heres the rules no giving blacks deals with blacks use the mexican phone the mexican toilets and showers and you can trade with the whiteboys as long as you get equal value in return..he said don't gamble if you can't pay only eat or play cards with mexicans or whites if theres no tables left throw your food away and come back and we'l feed you..he said you have to cut your hair ..shaved heads or crew cuts only...you have to wear shoes to and from the shower laced and tied no shower shoes on the yard or cardtables...incase we go to war you can't be in showershoes...he ran down the politics and motioned to his soldiers they came over with a box..they all said some words in spanish and left..he said your on thrucha[eyes[this means we are watching you for prospecting purposes of the prison gang world... he left and i opened the box..it was full of smokes soap toothpaste cards stamps coffee some weed pencils paper deodorant and matches and about 20 ramen noodle soups...i put a soup in a bowl and added hot water and rolled a smoke...i took a drag and inhaled deep ...i let the smoke out and almost fainted...adreniline was escaping now...my cellie was at work in the kitchen so i made my bed looked out my door closed it and reopened it..i looked around for anyone i could befriend real quick...i saw a guy sitting on the steps of his tier and i called him over...i said where can i get some protection??? he said "you crippin"?? i said fo-sho!!! he left and returned with a lid from a soup can and said"i'l watch for the man hurry up and put it together...county jail had taught me how to assemble a shank outta almost nothing...so i bent the metal and made sure one side was dull[to hold ] and oneside was sharp[to kill]...he said c-ya and i closed my door... i tied dental floss around the shank tied one end to the toilet handle and flushed it...[this way to retrieve it i just had to grob the floss and to flush it just cut the rope if the guards came in battleramming...next i put up a few pictures of my son and i layed down face first on my rack buried my head in my pillow and cried till i fell asleep........

ARRIVAL ON THE YARD [1st day in prison]

I was woken up at about 3.30 am. I had been in count awaiting transport to prison for my first time...i had been in county on trial and playing lawyer games for over 4 months and after trial i awaited this day...county jail is so bad that i couldn't wait to get to prison. As i said previously i was awoke at 330am and i was nervous ,sweating in fact...i viewed myself as tuff and mean when duty called but inside i have always been a sweetguy....persay..so anyhow the guard yelled james get ur ass up in 5 and transports in route...I was excited to see my homie from my click[gang] or whatever it's called these days..to us it was our team...so i rolled up my bed threw my hygeine kit in a bag grabbed my box of letters and pictures and headed down to the holding tank...the door opened and my game face was on.."watz up cuz" i said loudly to greet my homeboy slim and also to let it be known my gang status was on point...i hugged slim n we sat around n kicked war stories about our adventures in count the last 100 days plus...i asked if he had some weed and we rolled a joint out of toilettepaper wrap and told more stories[the stories take on more events that never really happened when the weed gets in your system but for the most part the stories are good...anyhow i asked slim if he'd eatin anything yet and he said he was anticipating our prison food which was said to be great considering county gives you no solid food...so around 6 they stripped us and shackled us and packed us on a bus....as we got on their were several hardened criminals from other counties and prisons starring at us as we walked down the isl'e..duece try gangsta crip over here i yelled out just to let these men know what we were about..several gang affiliations were spewed back at us and we hustled to the back and sat down and waited...the prison bus drove through the desert for a couple hours and we told and listened to many stories all the way there...the bus slowed and finally crept to a stop and the driver pointed to a destination and said[there's your new home fellas] i looked up and saw 8 towers very close to the sky..on top of each tower was a guard toting a ar17 machine gun..i looked in the middle of the towers at a compound so thick with fog that i couldn't see much...we drove into the facility and the gate closed and i was for the first time in 15 yrs of my life..SCARED i was sick to my stomach man i was really worried......to be continued....

beatiful losers

This morning i woke up hit the button on my commputer n sat across from my girl...I Logged onto my brothers blogg spot and scrolled through the dates of bloggs closest to the release date of my incarceration.I found what i was looking for....i read it aloud to my girlfriend....you have to understand when i say my girlfriend im not just refering to another girl im passing meaningless time with...im refering to my partner in life..my other half...i mean she's been apart of me since i was a kid and she even younger...13 0r 14 i think???anyway his blogg was created july 22nd the year isn't realative but we'l say its in the past 5...to protect the guilty...anyway i wrote my brother on my last night in prison and in his blogg he recited bits from my letter....it almost broke me this morning...i would have been so much more breakable then cuz i was broken...now i can somewhat control my emotions cuz my life is well...storybook at times....i have a great job that i love,my sons here and my partner in life looks at me and i see loyalty and friendship looking back....i mean when i was vunerable it was mostly cuz i was guilty for the things i was involved in....prison gang life,street gang life,knowing the ways of men who aren't productive for our life...checking drug counts and spots .giving fake smiles in exchange for drugs and money that would be gone faster then those fake smiles...when i was there i was just so far gone i couldn't really see coming back...i used to look around my cell and say [this ain't bad i got a nice one man cell with a tv radio coffee pot even a dog..]plus i was somebody in there and my biggest fear was being a nobody when i got out...these fears were most relevent when my lil son was debating us leaving the big bad streets of the northside...he said..dad we can't leave here..we won't be anybody wherever we go but here we are somebodies...who are we i asked???you kidding dad everyone knows me by my dad..your a real gangster here..respected and therefore noone comes my way with any disrespect cuz of who my dad is and the image i'l follow and represent with pride....fuck man look how detrimental one mans actions can be on a generation not even breathig yet...he was 13 then and his friends youngest brothers were 4 or 5...and they were all down to ride..to pick up the slack..to ensure the existence of ongoing beatiful losers...

reasons

tressy was a throwback from the cholo vato vida loca era....i remember her make up always heavy on the mascara..to her friends and family she was a tuff streetsmart girl...one who knows about ilegal stuff...criminal goings on...but i never once saw any tuff girl or criminal other then seeing her high a few times...or sometimes when she'd speak to someone in her world in that code[drug code]..onetime one of her husbands who i knew pretty well n who was nice enough..well this guy once took me into the prison my mom was in that year[85] he put two packs of cigarettes in each of my pockets and sai for me not to touch em...yeah right..soon as the words left his mouth i was angling a way to get to the bathroom and get into them cigarettes plus i could sneak a smoke at the same time n get away with it cuz prisons only let one at a time in the visitors bathroom...soooo..i got in and peeled a weak ass disguise of masking tape opened the cigatettes and hoping for maybe a marijuana joint instead i had two seran wrapped balls of brown tar like shit fall into the toilette...i fished em out n shakily returned em back to the cigarette pack and smoked a menthol to stop my hands from shaking...[i almost lost a couple grams of heroin..my moms only life in there] so all was good that day.. i saw mom i did some breakdancing for her friends in the visiting room and my mom smiled alot but also i could tell she needed to have the 12 noon count[when you go back to your cell from your visit and get the drug trade flowing and if ur a indulger you get right yourself] my mom would come back in the second half of the visit much mellower and she'd be happy..dozily but it'd be a lovely visit non the less...she'd do things in those visits that later in life lead me to know that she was preparing me for my future[in prison]....she'd show me why she wore her watch on the inside of her wrist she'd show me how to hide 2 joints and a fifty dollar bill in a rubber hairbrush...she'd tell me how to melt plastic so if you had to hit someone it just be one shot n game over!!! she'd always hide the talk n deeds from my older brother mj but that was mostly cuz she didn't wan't him stressing on me being in there too someday...he always tried to protect and guide ..even when i did make it to prison he'd send books with motives[good ones]..but he just wasn't trying to lose his little brother to the same cycle...getting caught up in this world kinda makes everything blurry though ya know??? anyway i started this blogg saying how i never saw my moms criminal side...then i rode thru stories of criminal guidance she'd program my way...to me she was just larger then everybody..they all talked shit but ran to my mom for favors when they needed her credentials in her world...but know that im grown i know she just thought i needed armor for later and she was right..its just a shame though because i chose to need that armor.....i mean i wasn't lying in my profile about the church..my uncle [stepdad]aka moms brother..he sent me to private school..and set out some good options but i was already intoxicated by my moms world..my birthfathers world...my aun't suzys world..and alotta peoples worlds...my mother passed a trait in me and the best description i can give is if your a bull in a room full of bulls your not the bull who looks away....your the bull who can achieve cuz you believe....that trait single handedly cost me a price i don't even understand yet..i got a better understanding then way back but its hard to realize why???what your reasons where???or what your reasons are!!! it took till 2007 for me to finally let my mom go even though she passed like 20 years ago...it was last year i let the chip off my shoulder...i still keep pieces of her close but stopped the hate i thought she caused indirectly inside me...my girlfriend pulled over on the offramp on our way home from la[my moms stomping grounds]..well my girlfriend pulled over so i could lose control and cry and blurt out all the reasons i'd missed tressy so much and the way our family had no photos or anything of my mom in any of their houses on display and how my moms never gonna meet my son and i had to let the fact that she's never gonna be here again was killing me inside cuz i just wanted her to come back and it have all been a god damn dream...her time in prison my time in prison and finally her death...i just let the reasons go man..that night i just let em go!!!!!

tressy

this name is known by those whom it means something to...before i discuss her i'l tell ya a lil about me n why im writing...first off i won't use spell check or a dictionary to make myself seem smart or clever..or arrogant..iv'e been there ..many times...i want you to feel me thru my writing so i'l try to spell my best n try to just talk to you....i read alot of books in the 9 yrs i was gone and so i can vision some words that i'l add to try n teach as i learn...when i say teach i just mean that iv'e been on many paths of life and i want to stress the importance of not giving any more life to a lifestyle that intoxicates millions of our youths everyday...me included...also my son...i hate what i loved. two weeks ago i had a tatto removed off my face and these wordz will also eliminate the life i gave what i once held so dear to my heart..i continue to pay for my choices everyday but all i can do is try to promote options for my son and those who would listen...the wages of sin are felt when i listen to my sons reasons for his love for that prior life i once glorified in front of him as an infant.. i was detrimental to his upbringing and now i am reminded of reaping the harvests we sew!! anyway i try to show my son that beyond the homiez n the familia and the drug money and relationships and cars and being somebody amongst a bunch of nobodies...beyond these liquid posessions is LIFE...i mean he watches me on my laptop wearing glasses and argyle sweaters and loafers and im comming home from my warehouse job and sometimes he smiles and it makes me wonder if it's laughing at me my clothes or if he's happy im not riding anymore..riding is the term gangsters use to describe themselves n their way of life.. being a rider means you will ride for your click your team your familia your money your drug spot or your name...hence my introduction,,convictions of a writer....my older brother wrote me in prision before i was released and he said my new motto should be {no more riding]...i was released about 8 yrs early because i began to evolve..i didn't change.. i hate that fuckn word...i evolved.....when i came home i had the best intentions of changing but about two hour out i was already checking my clicks drug spots and getting on deck with some work[crack] to ensure i could still be a somebody in the northside..aka the sreets i came up on...anyway back to tressy..my mom..i won't write her real name but this was her nickname and i'l refer to it often in these pages...she's been gone since i was thirteen and was in prison most of my life before that..in the early 80's when she got parole and her life ended part of mine ended as well.....thats when the hate began..when it all started for me..........to be continued...