reasons

tressy was a throwback from the cholo vato vida loca era....i remember her make up always heavy on the mascara..to her friends and family she was a tuff streetsmart girl...one who knows about ilegal stuff...criminal goings on...but i never once saw any tuff girl or criminal other then seeing her high a few times...or sometimes when she'd speak to someone in her world in that code[drug code]..onetime one of her husbands who i knew pretty well n who was nice enough..well this guy once took me into the prison my mom was in that year[85] he put two packs of cigarettes in each of my pockets and sai for me not to touch em...yeah right..soon as the words left his mouth i was angling a way to get to the bathroom and get into them cigarettes plus i could sneak a smoke at the same time n get away with it cuz prisons only let one at a time in the visitors bathroom...soooo..i got in and peeled a weak ass disguise of masking tape opened the cigatettes and hoping for maybe a marijuana joint instead i had two seran wrapped balls of brown tar like shit fall into the toilette...i fished em out n shakily returned em back to the cigarette pack and smoked a menthol to stop my hands from shaking...[i almost lost a couple grams of heroin..my moms only life in there] so all was good that day.. i saw mom i did some breakdancing for her friends in the visiting room and my mom smiled alot but also i could tell she needed to have the 12 noon count[when you go back to your cell from your visit and get the drug trade flowing and if ur a indulger you get right yourself] my mom would come back in the second half of the visit much mellower and she'd be happy..dozily but it'd be a lovely visit non the less...she'd do things in those visits that later in life lead me to know that she was preparing me for my future[in prison]....she'd show me why she wore her watch on the inside of her wrist she'd show me how to hide 2 joints and a fifty dollar bill in a rubber hairbrush...she'd tell me how to melt plastic so if you had to hit someone it just be one shot n game over!!! she'd always hide the talk n deeds from my older brother mj but that was mostly cuz she didn't wan't him stressing on me being in there too someday...he always tried to protect and guide ..even when i did make it to prison he'd send books with motives[good ones]..but he just wasn't trying to lose his little brother to the same cycle...getting caught up in this world kinda makes everything blurry though ya know??? anyway i started this blogg saying how i never saw my moms criminal side...then i rode thru stories of criminal guidance she'd program my way...to me she was just larger then everybody..they all talked shit but ran to my mom for favors when they needed her credentials in her world...but know that im grown i know she just thought i needed armor for later and she was right..its just a shame though because i chose to need that armor.....i mean i wasn't lying in my profile about the church..my uncle [stepdad]aka moms brother..he sent me to private school..and set out some good options but i was already intoxicated by my moms world..my birthfathers world...my aun't suzys world..and alotta peoples worlds...my mother passed a trait in me and the best description i can give is if your a bull in a room full of bulls your not the bull who looks away....your the bull who can achieve cuz you believe....that trait single handedly cost me a price i don't even understand yet..i got a better understanding then way back but its hard to realize why???what your reasons where???or what your reasons are!!! it took till 2007 for me to finally let my mom go even though she passed like 20 years ago...it was last year i let the chip off my shoulder...i still keep pieces of her close but stopped the hate i thought she caused indirectly inside me...my girlfriend pulled over on the offramp on our way home from la[my moms stomping grounds]..well my girlfriend pulled over so i could lose control and cry and blurt out all the reasons i'd missed tressy so much and the way our family had no photos or anything of my mom in any of their houses on display and how my moms never gonna meet my son and i had to let the fact that she's never gonna be here again was killing me inside cuz i just wanted her to come back and it have all been a god damn dream...her time in prison my time in prison and finally her death...i just let the reasons go man..that night i just let em go!!!!!