Tuesday, April 27, 2010
ABEL AND KANE!!! part 2
I wasn't trying to say my life has turned out any better then mj's...Actually he's probably in a better place financially then i am per say..I only make under 20 bucks hourly but that's irrelevant.My point is in part one i stated that i hope my brother finds comfort..And i meant that!!I said a lot about taking it off him too!! Some might say i spoke and speak of the burden..Burdens are heavy but for me i just wasn't trying to wonder where my mom and dad had been...We used to visit my mother Tresina in an assortment of correctional facilities and i had to carry the torch for a time!!I don't come to you with explanations or pleas for acceptance or forgiveness..Im forgiven i promise you!!Im not forgiven by your golden calves but my guilt is eased by my wife's smile and my son's heart too!!You really have something when you can see into your own sons hearty and it's real to you both!!My son has forgiven me with respect and i remember when i only had a distorted definition of respect!!My son respects me for the same reason my wife does..Because they are both secure with their risk!!My number one talent in life if you ask me is my people skills...i believe you can read me..Im very readable..My wife knew my heart was pure when she was 13 years old. and some years later my son explained the politics of love to me again..He said" dad just cuz you buy me stuff and give me money doesn't mean you love me"...WOW I REMEMBER IT LIKE HE JUST RIGHT NOW SAID IT... Just don't leave us again and don't go back!!..I never left again!! Never left him...His rooms tight next to ours!!I was just earlier talking to my wife about the next year or two when he goes to college or becomes a male nurse or a computer tech?? The possibilities are endless..hahah i love that line..So ya Anyways Abel AND KANE huh? I was never trying to be better then anybody and i never was...MJ or anybody ...I just went my own way and walked a different path for a time!!Believe me i know my ties and offerings by heart..I know what i owe mj..I know what i owe my son and my wife too...I owe no doubt...I repay with pieces of my heart and i feel tired from it all but it's good to be here and penance is eternal...The prices we pay for taking the same journeys as our parents sometimes play-out for hundreds of years i am certain....I use clips of sayings that i hear to give my words a pulse....What i mean to say is you get your love back and maybe your children respect and you write and live and love and drink wine ..but there's always the end of the day...The time to sleep...This is the time for reaping....you always pay wages when you can't control your mind...your thoughts...That's all i was saying..that's what i meant to convey about MJ..I took it off him way back then because it was more for me...I think maybe i can detain it and it can die with me...right here...I hold a responsibility to let it live or die..For some people they don't carry on their parents ambitions for one reason or another...I read a blog from mj sometime ago where he revealed flashbacks of low-riding with my mom and her boyfriend way back in 73..I remember he wrote like a possessed soul and the whole story was a roller coaster of thrills because i remediable the times..I remember the smiles and the consequences.... Mj described it as a time of feeling high...feeling the effects of the marijuana smoke being passed back and fourth in my moms boyfriends impala!! Ya so i guess the reason i took the weight is so that mj didn't have to Reap the Harvest..That's something else...If you look deeply in my eyes you might see the layers...The night comes and the nightmares show up with no forgiveness!!THE WAGES OF SIN THE WAGES OF SIN!!You can't stay numb every night so on the nights when you feel good and confident and lay your head to rest with no pacifier they come!!!I sometimes wonder if it will always be this way? Will i sleep with my own conscience?Im not sure? It's worth it you know??It's worth it because i know mj can sleep....He protected me and i was uncivilized about the situations...but hey MJ can sleep..And sometimes i dream good dreams..oceans n stuff!!.to be continued...Im tired!!
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2 comments:
somehow i am quite certain i do sleep better because of you t. you are and have been my little protector at times, most notably when we were out drinking and gawd knows my smart-ass mouth can piss a guy off from time to time. bot other times too,even when you far away. i slept best however when you got out and every night you stay out i sleep even better. i am still uneasy at times, worrying if everything is going to fall apart because you have grown comfortable in your new life to the point of agitation. sometimes i think you have secrets, from me and others and i wonder if they are the sort that could be your undoing. occasionally i worry that you haven't forgiven yourself your sins, and knowing it is the self that must forgive for forgiveness to matter, i sleep lighter for fear the uneasiness will unwind you like a chinese yo-yo and you will stretch our and a bad fold will appear and you can't close again, can't find your way back to your center, lose touch with what grounds you.
but that's the worrisome side, the uneasy part... the fact is i sleep better all the time. every night you are okay i sleep better. every nigth i don't get a call that something has gone wrong my confidence grows. at this point i would be mighty surprised if something went south. i am a believer in you, tommy, even if you are upset with me, even if i gave you a hard time about something because i care and i want to see my brother more and my lack of understanding of your lack of effort tastes like a foul, putrid rock of salt simmering beneath my tongue.
a conscience is only a remembrance.
the best part about life is that it is all up to you how you react to the things that do get stacked up in our memory bank. I chose to close the account and start fresh. When you inhale a new fresh breath of air it is an opportunity to start anew in all things. We all have the choice to look back or move forward. i have always seen your precious heart full of love and compassion even through the facades. The mistakes i have made in my life would kill me if i tried to keep holding them up on my shoulders. i already tried to die for them. i now live for life. inhaling each new word god graces me with to keep me moving forward. I could cry a river if i let myself think too much.
keeping my eyes on the things above is the only way i keep myself from running away from this whole world called sanity.
you may think your the only one with fractures because of all the heavy things you say you have done. one sin is no heavier than another. my heart craves to be white as snow. i do believe i have had a second chance and i am going for it. it beats the ultimatum.
nobody has a clear conscience or perfect life, and as for sleeping at night, it's a game of chance. we all do our best to survive ourselves in this world. all the people around us are just pawns to see how we react. i have had a hard time in the past reacting wrong in situations because i get real nervous around people. being raised in suburbia with stepford parents, not allowed to speak, isn't the perfect life either. kids are to be seen and not heard is the way i was raised. sitting still for hours at the stores. being hated by my mom and taken lightly by my dad to keep peace. we all have our tragedies we could add up. we must learn to forgive ourselves and move on. it's only taken me 54 years. take it from me, it could have been done sooner if i had known that a conscience doesn't exist unless you provide it.
"just dream a little dream for me" is one of my favorite lines. life is a big ole dream and i can't wait to wake up!
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