SHELTERING THOMAS

As a parent we try and protect our children right? We learn it from our parents.our friends parents, or maybe we just see it on television?? When my son was first born i surrounded my house with childproof everything!!! I installed a car seat i did it all!!But that's not what this is about...My son is 16 now and next year hes a senior..That's when it hit me...My wife and i were talking the other night about my son graduating high school and i went back in my head across the years of his life...I was considering sending my son to a regular high school for his senior year!!My teen years and young adult hood were scattered with violence gang-banging and prison...One day when i had been in prison about 5 years already some guy i was talking to on the yard saw a picture on my wall and said he knew that kid...That kid i said is my son Tommy Jr!! The guy who said he knew my son from the street said he was Pauls brother..a fellow gang member and soldier in the same prison click as myself! Over the next hour or so the guy told me street stories and said how at many of these events my son was in the vicinity..more of an observer my son was as he at the time was around 11 yrs old!!The guy said my son was a good kid and looked forward to having my son be part of the hood..The team..The click!! I felt sick!!Over the next few hours i shot out letters to everyone in my gang n made threats along with promises all in hopes of deterring anyone from putting my lil Tommy on the hood..aka jumping him into the same bullshit that was killing my life as well as 100's of lives inside the very walls that contained my violence!!I had horrible visions of my son sitting where i was at that time in life...sitting there in silence...waiting for a war to spark...for a visit...for a letter....for some drugs to flood the cell blocks...Over the next few weeks i received letters saying a blanket was placed on my sons well being and he wouldn't be jumped in unless i either gave permission or died!! at that point the buzzards would circle!! I used to get visits regularly from my son while i journeyed down my plight!! I would tell my son one thing and he would watch me do another... I remember when the judge handed down 12 yrs and 6 years consecutive the first face i turned to was my sons..he was all of 5 or 6 at the time and i remember smiling when he threw up the neighborhood with his fingers as they drug me back to my cell!!So here we are..My son like i said before is 16..i have since given up the gang life and all that it entails..My son will graduate next year with a class of 2010 students hes never seen..never been in a classroom with...never met before..My son has many friends..One is actually real...I don;t approve of his one friend but what am i to do??protect him from his one real friend too?? ya see my son goes to school online ..his social network is all online..he is shy and has almost no sun on his face unless i can drag him out fishing or some family event!! he grew up on x-box live and virtual networks on the web!!At times i am so fucking glad hes not a gang member or a drug addict...I look at his gentle demeanor and it settles my heart that he's a good boy..He has almost no life and no girlfriends and no vitamin d in his life!!I have done everything in my life to protect him from the Ugly things Ive witnessed in the lifestyle i lived for way too long!!My family members have many opinions on my sons well being and the consensus is the concern for his social behavior or lack there of may be detrimental...I thought i was protecting him from becoming me..I don't know how his life will go? I always thought i was being a father..a protective father.....When i stare into my sons eyes i feel guilt.. i see stress and i feel awful...other times i see his good heart and i feel really good!!Well his life is almost his own now..I mean he's a year away from adulthood!!! I hope one day he knows i tried to save him!!!!

TAPAS

Yes sir!! this here is an appetizer.Its like a preview..I've thought about the whole wedding thing and i am going to go through the events one by one..Trust me it will not bore you..Ill run you through the beers that were passed around in my hotel room across the street of where me n my bride met 17 yrs prior..Ill tell you about when i pulled up for 3 days at the beach wedding of ours i hit the parking lot and my dads Mercedes was parked in the lot and when i looked inside to see if this was his car i gazed at cases upon cases of foreign beers..All for the big day!!I had no idea my dad would be there at the hotel all weekend and our wedding would be above the hotel in a beautiful garden overlooking the ocean!! Ill tell of the adjoining shanty below however still connected to the hotel that i sat in with my dad all day into the night before...Tequila shots n Guinness on tap..Yes the day before i got married me n my dad drank n talked n praised each others journeys...Ill never forget it and the next day i married the best girl God created so you know the stories gonna be good!!! Ill be back!!!I shall finish the game!!That was a reference to one of my favorite recitals by Emilios rendition of Billie the kid telling a hypothetical story....# Guys are sitting aroun playing poker and a man runs into the room and says the worlds on fire its all going to burn and explode in just a few short hours...The first cowboy stand and says"I gotta get home n say by to my children!! The next cowboys stands and says "I gotta get to the saloon n get stinky liquored up buy 3 whores and have a hella of a time..They both look at the third cowboy still sitting and ask"what are you gonna do Billie???Well sir billy states.I shall finish the GAME!!!.....I SHALL FINISH THE GAME!!!

AMERICAN ME!!!!

When i was little i used to stand behind my big brother and hide myself from the bad guys!!!I'm not sure where or what part of the city of angels we lived in at the time..You really cant call it where we lived because mostly what i remember is different motels around the downtown area..Ive heard stories of living in Baldwin park echo park or wherever..I don't remember!!I mostly remember hiding behind mj so my moms boyfriends couldn't hurt me...I remember being scared when they my mom and her boyfriend left to go find heroin id be worried she wouldn't come back but her boyfriends would!!MJ was older then me and therefore he already had friends around the hoods of east los.. Or wherever..I would mostly watch his little friends and him playing around..trying to act tough...following the Chicano patterns set forth by our surroundings...This was our path...Mj hopped off the path early in life..I however kept it close.I remember our mom dressing us like cholos and when we would visit my uncle they'd shake their heads at our attire...One day some years later after a lengthy prison term my mom walked out of prison released on parole and i looked at her attire..khakis pendelton even a bandanna..I remember MJ being embarrassed for her but i thought she looked cool..I wanted to be like her...I wanted to be like her loser boyfriends with their two buttons buttoned and their bandanna pulled low to hide their bloodshot eyes!!I even wanted to go to prison and see what it was all about.. so anyway here i am 20 yrs later ..Moms been deceased form a overdose, ive spent chunks of my life in prisons ..my body is a canvas of prison tattoos...Mj is good he's a manager for a company somewhere in the city of angels..As for how my life turned out..Its really good..Ive been out of prison 3 yrs now.. i live in a quiet neighborhood with my beautiful new bride...I have a son who's a gentle soul..im a shipping manager at a small company...I finally hopped of the path MJ hopped off way earlier then me..I guess i had to know...to see it and live it for myself...It was part of my family part of who i am...I'M here today and I'M happy..Im not a bad guy or a tuff guy or a Chicano..I'm an American!!!

I LIVE NOWHERE EVEN CLOSE TO SNOOPDOGG!!

The other day i read an article titled DO YOU LIVE CLOSE TO SNOOP DOGG?? In fact it was more like a month ago. Anyway i read this article that was published in the SAN DIEGO READER.... After i read this article i was mad!! i paced my balcony and said to myself who the fuck does this guy think he is??? IL give a brief rundown of this guys article ... He told stories of being a now 30 something security guard in downtown San Diego and he'd recently escaped to Florida for a week or two of vacation..he stated that on the plane as soon as someone found out he was from California they asked questions like..Do you live near the beach?? do you have palm trees in your yard?? Do you live near snoop dogg?? He then proceeded to tell tales of his former affiliation with the piru bloods ..a street gang in east San Diego.. he ranted and at times glorified the old ways..the gang banging that i sensed hed watched a lot more then he'd participated in himself..these guys always talk more then they actually get involved hands on...i know the type..you usually have to take the gun from these guys hand and do the dirt yourself..then later at the roundup you here their voice the loudest telling tales of grandeur..Anyway this guy was saying that he was upset that tourists only saw the palm trees and the beaches and they never smelled the piss or liquor he smells being a downtown security officer everyday!! He continued his stories of how he was present during a murder shooting incident on which he later took the stand and held his mudd..aka he didn't snitch anyone out...he then traveled through adventures of the hoods of the big bad east side!!At one point he stated a few weeks prior to writing this article his old friend still affiliated with the bloods picked him up at his parents house one Saturday afternoon and as they left the drive way the charger they were in did two donuts and the threw up bloods and say whats up blood???hmmmmmm if id of done this while my parents are in their 50's im not sure id ever be welcome back to visit?? but lets give him the benefit of not calling him a straight up liar...or a enhancement writer...Do i believe him?? well it dosen't matter what i believe..This article was published in a popular magazine slash paper and hundreds of people read this and digested it and its over..its out there..Okay so whats my point? is there a point?? if you have read my blog you know there's a point..so here i am..hahah just kidding..but here's my point...This guy went on to say how disgusted people only saw the good parts of San Diego and were indifferent to its ghettos and unaware of the crime rate and the gang presence and the struggles of the poverty stricken badlands....and the east side he's so proud of that he never moved away from..In truth this mediocre writing if you can even call it that is really in truth a poison..yes a virus...it infects people it breeds more ignorance.. I have been all up in the mix of all that bullshit he was quick to glorify...the difference is when i tell tales of this past i once too glorified and gave so much praise to..well i try to motivate the reader to see past this bullshit and evolve!!! your city smells like piss???bring some Lysol..you see gangs everywhere ??MOVE!! you tired of poverty homeless people and unawareness??? get a new job,life,patterns...I for myself moved from the area that i gave so much to it took 10 yrs of my life and did even more damage to my son!! I don't associate with my former friends and homeboys and you'll never hear me say whats up cuzz to anyone!!! no donuts in front of my parents house and no trials of which i will be a ghetto superstar for not snitching!!! I've moved on not only from the area i supported but also in my self evolving..I've let myself go down a new path!!! And just in case your wondering...I LIVE NOWHERE EVEN CLOSE TO SNOOPDOGG!!!

UNDERSTANDING TERRA!!!

I was three months from the house!!!Thats what you say when your that close to the street!!!I was already technically paroled just waiting for paperwork and transport!!My intentions were to keep my nose clean for those three weeks and get my mind right and slide out of that place with as lil drama as i could keep at bay!! So they took me to a kind of pre-release prison to help you get ready to leave....Bad start!!! This place had just been built hence the heavy drug gang and multiple other crimes that flooded these new facilities!!!The transport delivered me to the facility with about three months til my release...I hit the tank and waited for my property...As i sat the elevator opened..i looked in and swallowed then smiled and got up.....My longtime prison crime partner who was like my brother was standing there smiling...Jose..aka snoopy aka Jason aka Joe stood there smiling...I shook my head and hugged my homeboy...He laughed and said ..We own the place...The guards the help the kitchen the laundry facility it was all ours!!!He said lets roll...I told the guard to have a guard find me when my property was ready!!Snoopy stepped in and told him send everything to TJ and nodded and the guard nodded back n looked me over then nodded..i nodded back and left!!!Snoopy said he knew i was on transport and i he arranged a bunk in his dorm...You have to remember i came directly from a very high level security to a place like this...fucking Disneyland!!!I met the fellas and said hi to a lot of guys a knew already!!!So anyhow over the next few months i basically forgot about the straight and narrow and told myself this is who you are..dont act like you dont know..dont try and be somebody you aint...you built this rep ..use it!!!So three months of dirt...we ran everything we could get away with and its just funny how soon you forget whats important to you!!!Tattooing in prison will get you three things....number 1 a trip to the hole for 30..number two your parole will be revoked...number three you get higher points and sent to higher security prisons for high points!!!So heres my situation...Snoopy was known to be one of the best freehand tattooist in the prison system..To go along with that he hadn't done a tatoo in more then six years because he too was almost done there and avoiding trying to make it to his final destination and cross the finish line..You see prison ink is earned...even the non gang related tatts..No ones gonna give you there time in any form unless you are somebody to them...somebody important to them...With me and snoopy well im the one that put him in touch with his 7 year old son he had never met...Yep i had my son call his son on three way while snoopy listened to the answers to the questions he mailed to my son to ask his osn...are you mad a t your daddy??do you know Jason??ect ect...So ya he owed me...And this was time to make it right...when i asked he put his head down on the table and didn't say anything....about an hour later he spoke...Im gonna do it for you homie...lets get everything in order and get it done!!!Im sure he put his head down and went over the consequences in his mind...Heres a guy who was 36 years old and been in adult prison since he was 13..Yes tried as an adult and been there for it all..His son was conceived way back when there were conjugal visits...Anyway we had a guard bring ink..an electric toothbrush and some sterilizing equipment needles ect...Next i rounded up my lookouts for the one or two guards who walked the straight and narrow..not all guards are for sale...some have no price...So with all the precautions taken we got down to bizz!!! snoopy rolled deodorant across my neck and placed a pattern of the fancy letters inked up and pressed the pattern on my neck..he held it there and pulled the paper away...the ink left a pattern of letters across my neck and i looked at it with a hand mirror from all angles..he nodded i nodded and i sat down in a chair..i leaned over and tilted my head..Snoopy is a hand pick tatt artist so this adds to the whole event...some guys use machines but i dealt with ogs mostly...snoopy asked if i was ready and i nodded..i clenched my teeth and his hand moved fast...i remember thinking i hope i aint being hit right now...snoopy was a close friend but thats usually who they send!! i closed my eyes and felt the needle tap my skin..tap! tap! tap!! just like Deangelo tap tap...i bled alot and it went on for 3 hours...when i opened my eyes there she was!!! TERRA!!! My niece who id yet to meet!! I carried her ever year since she was waiting to breathe..after i got her name tatted on my neck i looked at it in the mirror and smiled...i was proud!! I will always be proud!!! the beautiful life i live now...well i do it for her too!!! One day i walked over to a prison phone and called MJ collect..before we started talking he interrupted me and told me his lady was pregnant....i looked at the ground and cried...i told him im sorry i wont be home when your firstborn arrives!!!The thing is i am here now!!! i do it for her too!!!

OUR FOUNDATION IS BEAUTIFUL!!!!

I look across at just how German you look!!! I am forever intoxicated by how earthly your appearance is right now!!!Its like the lines in your face are maps of authenticity!! You wear the appearance of your country and heritage in breathtaking reality!!I see hope and belief in your eyes...someone who wants to believe and hang onto the good things!!!Its quite a observance to watch you live...I see who you are and you see me too!!! I see your eyes turn earthly colors with the days and seasons...i may be the only one who knows just how lovely these things are..there is nothing this world can offer that can make someone like you more beautiful..you make this whole thing more beautiful to witness...to feel...to see...to breathe and take in!!!to believe in!!Ive always felt this way ..wifey to be!!!I couldn't really ever see me without you!!!Its just one of those stories that can't change...it was from the first day!!!You meet that person and your life changes...you somehow change...both of you change...there's no judgment..no guilty pleas...there's no replicas...there's no regular standards either..there's chances..there's understanding and conversations from caring alone...caring alone is the thing...what i mean is there is talks and conversations that aren't rehearsed or practiced or unnerving..You have always been here..I will always feel you!!!Our friendship is timeless!!! I tell myself you'll live forever!!! You'll always be here...In some way!!This is what makes me want to live a good life!!!To care!! To give!!!You motivate me to live!!! MISS~SARITA~MI VIDA~

THE FELLAS

i WANTED TO SHARE A VERY NICE PICTURE OF THE OLD CREW AT A PARTY RECENTLY IN THE LBC!!!MY PROFILE PICTURE IS ALOT OF OLD MEMORIES!!!

THE TWO YEAR WAR!!!!

The call was made...the politics long before then rooted...the financial stability established!!!!the soldiers were well trained and disciplined..and ready!!!some of them wanted it..they embrace wars to fill the void of time...endless mindless time!!idle time maddening time...so anyhow the first soldiers got hit and died...the helicopters couldn't get them to a medic fast enough..Somewhere on the other side of the desert men were scrambled back to their living quarters where the tuned their weapons polished their boots and wrote letters!!!ranks were realized and more orders were given!!!young men were scared senseless...i saw one guys face and i knew his mind was covering as much memory as it could before it was deleted for good!!! i looked down the line and saw soldiers gearing up to kill for what they represented..what fed them..clothed them..even gave to their families in distant places..we were shuffled off the hill and rushed back to our quarters!!!I knew id be called to hit the front line because i was only 1 year and a half in!!!the captain came in and told me the plans!!then he broke down some rules of war!!!the only one i thought about was when the doors open i was to hit any race but mine...DAMN!!! These lessons were taught of why i was to refrain from to much social interaction with other races and now it was realized!! in 3d bro!!!I'm half Mexican n half white so i had brothers on both sides of this war however i ate drank and lived with my carnals so shit was about to get deep!!!i talked with my homies in sign language through our little windows and basically said shit like see ya on the front lines..n are ya scared homie???or did you talk to ur girl before shit popped or what???mindless discussion and even jokes all thru hand signs...i went back over to my cellmate slick and asked what weapons he had even though he'd shown me 30 times already!!i was nervous ..jittery...my sons face flashed...my brothers face flashed!!!i swallowed and looked down my tier at the Plexiglas booth with two way mirrors and searched for some sign??Then i heard the load speaker buzz...{all inmates report to chow hall in your pod asap without incident or you'll eat in your cells for a month..no more warnings}That broadcast might as well have said charge!!!everyone including some guards and staff knew the politics had already secured a certainty!!But sometimes shit has to play out!!!I heard the bolt release and from that point on everything was in slow motion and very unreal like!!the doors cracked and we hesitated then stepped!!! i rotated left n seen a blackface!!! i knew him so i quickly looked right...their i saw another blackface who i wasn't familiar with we emerged on each other!!!i scanned his body n saw it...he had a little bag with a rock or sumthn inside!!! i put my blade in my pocket n grabbed the belt i had in my waste line with the padlock firmly fastened to it and i wrapped it to about a foot length of belt while the padlock dangled at the end!!The guy saw my weapon and hesitated...i swung and toppled over him into 3 or 4 more guys and i was swinging wildly at this point!!! Before i could see or understand anything the guards were all over us!!!pepper spray rubber bullets..tasers and they swarmed the catwalk with real rifles..i heard the bird shot and wasn't that nervous yet!!!Then the bird shot was spent and buckshot's exited the chambers next!! i scrambled to the ground and threw my weapon fast and got in a few put downs before i was cuffed..I wants racist but at this time i had some new hate!!!we were shuffled once again like sheep kick n n screaming to our pens!!! my cellmate wasn't there..a few hours later i got a willa {kite} explaining my cellmates whereabouts..he got caught with two blades!! that's 6 years added for each blade!!!Count em 6+6+12...In war none thinks of consequences til its over...It wasn't over yet!!! this war jumped for two years!!!that means two showers a week minimal food no contact visits no yard time no nothing!!!when wars are active the guards stop bringn in drugs and the visitors cant do anything either..So what do you do???Nothing YOU wait it out!!its already been prepared for...this is the point of gangs!!army's!! soldiers!!clicks!!!what have you!!!this is the reason for mandatory workouts!!rules like no slippers on the yard ect...straight to the mattresses!!I wont bore you with two years of ins n outs of prison war but I'll leave you with the reason for the war and the blog!!the disagreement was weather or not a handball was 3 inches to the left or to the right making it either in or out depending on which homie was urs..bet you placed or team you were riding with!!!the call was made the brown side said out the blacks said in and the racial slurs rang out!!!when it was over alot of people died!!! alot of families were weakened!!!alot of bullshit for bullshit!!!do you get it???do you know this shit is going down while we eat at out with friends and sip our 24 ounce cans and smile!!!Some of us have brown pride tattoos or aztec calenders...or maybe white pride???Do we know what we represent with these tatts???do people even know what they feed???I don't have the answers but i ran up on men i had no prior problem with because of racial semi political bullshit!!!thanks for lettn me vent!!!and hopefully educate!!!

DANCE!!!!

YOU ASK ME TO DANCE AND YOU KNOW I'M A DANCING MACHINE{Kings of Leon} Its rare i quote phrases or song lyrics in my writings..However i felt it to be appropriate for this piece...My last blog was written in a haze of Chianti....So when i reread it the next day it didn't come out how i had it in my head...it seemed off track..it wasn't how i wanted it but it is what it was so lets move on...next day next week different blog different lessons ..New day..okay so i was thinking of writing and was searching for a topic and my mind went back to a reception i witnessed a couple of months past!!!at one point in the reception after eating way to much Mexican food and drinking tequila not only at the reception but also at an English pub on the way in which we stopped to have a Guinness use the restroom and catch a few minutes of a soccer game ..well as we waited for the clock to turn and sipped our Guinness i ordered a quick shot of cuervo gold before we left and this is unusual for me cuz i don't favor tequila..however after my quick shot of poison we strolled a few blocks over to the reception and were greeted with chips salsa and yep..you guessed it Tequila!!! Well as my better half chatted with her friends i being the instant social guy when tequila is factored in..well i loosened up..i walked around with one of the husbands of one of the friends and we drank Mexican beers and more tequila..i wasn't drunk was the thing..i was happy and stress free and walked over as the DJ was just finished setting up and put on his first record!! i glanced around and people where migrating to the dance floor...see I'm not much for churches or forgive me hardcore church types..so earlier while at the wedding i judged the crowd to be not boring but maybe very traditional!!! So i told myself nothing new to see there but i was in a great mood and my soon to be wife was happy too and that is one of my favorite scenarios..i depend on..i need it...i know its selfish but when shes happy I'm happier..so as i peered through the reception at the crowd rushing to the dance floor i found myself actually submerged in a small sea of the young ,old,middle aged strangers..i looked for a path back to the bar but found none..i looked to my left and my girl and her friend where beside me apparently watching the excited crowd!!! The dj then dropped the needle and the lights went black then colored lighting swirled the dance floor...the music started and i was directly in front of a group of teenagers and kids as young as two or three....a circle formed and one of the little kids swayed into the middle and showed his stuff....right AFTER HIM, ANOTHER KID A BIT OLDER SPRUNG INTO THE CIRCLE AND SHOWED SOME PRETTY IMPRESSIVE MOVES OBVIOUSLY LEARNED BUT VERY NATURAL ALSO..HE WAS TALENTED...NEXT WAS PROBABLY HIS SISTER THEN ANOTHER YOUNGER GIRL AND MORE KIDS...AT ONE POINT I SAW THE BRIDE IN THE CIRCLE FOR A FEW SECONDS THEN A VERY SMALL CHILD OF ABOUT 2 HOBBLED ABOUT IN THE CIRCLE AND EVERYONE SMILED AND CHEERED.....I SCANNED FACES AND EVERYONE WAS HAPPY AND THEN IT HAPPENED...THE DJ MIXED IN A COLLAGE OF SONGS THAT BROUGHT THE CIRCLE TOGETHER AND HIS RECORDING OF A EXPLOSION VIBRATED THE FLOOR AS I WITNESSED THE TEENS TURN TO THE YOUNGER KIDS AND SMILE AND DANCE YOUTHFULLY AND I WAS IN AWE OF PEOPLE CELEBRATING LIFE!!! THAT'S WHEN I TOLD MYSELF THAT'S WHAT IT WAS THEY WERE CELEBRATING LIFE!!I TOO DANCED THAT NIGHT BUT DON'T REMEMBER MUCH OF IT CUZ IT WASN'T ABOUT ME OR MY DANCE..IT WAS JUST CELEBRATING LIFE THROUGH DANCE!!IF IT HAD BEEN ABOUT ME OR MY NIGHT OUT TO DANCE OR ABOUT SOMETHING I WAS TO CLOSELY IN TOUCH WITH I WOULDN'T HAVE WITNESSED THE WHOLE SCENARIO..I WOULDN'T HAVE ENJOYED IT CUZ ID OF BEEN TO INVOLVED OR UPTIGHT OR STRESSED BUT IT WAS OTHER PEOPLES LIFE'S AND CELEBRATIONS I WITNESSED!! I HAVE ALWAYS DANCED..MANY DIFFERENT PLACES MANY DIFFERENT DANCES...THERE'S JUST NO BAD TIME TO DANCE!!!ITS THERAPY..IN THE LAST TWO DAYS I WATCHED MY FIANCE DANCE DOWN THE ISLE OF A STORE WE WERE SHOPPING IN..THEN LAST NIGHT I WAS SITTING AT MY COMPUTER AND WATCHED MY SON DANCE FROM THE BATHROOM ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE HALL TO HIS ROOM AND I SMILED!! ITS A CONNECTION..IT ATTRACTS PEOPLE TO EACH OTHER AND IT BRINGS COMFORT TO SITUATIONS AT ANY GIVEN TIME!!! I NEVER CARED TOO MUCH ABOUT WEDDINGS OR THOSE TYPES OF THINGS TIL I WITNESSED THE DANCING WHILE AT A MUCH MORE EVOLVED POINT IN MY LIFE...IN TWO MONTHS I GET TO DANCE WITH MY WIFE AND SHE KNOWS I'M A DANCING MACHINE!!!

RIGHTEOUS!!!

DO SOMETHING RIGHTEOUS WITH YOUR LIFE!I sat here trying to figure out the correct spelling of righteous...we just couldn't get that!!!! a 16 year old..a 2nd grade teacher!!
and me!!! we just couldn't get it!!! anyhow...i wanted to write something because im a fan of mankind!! tonight i saw mike Tyson on ESPN n i was emotional!!! he threw punches for all of us in his day!!!the meek...the rich ..the white the black the brown!!! it didn't matter he was our champ!!!!he threw with HOPE..we lack that these days!!! anyway he was on ESPN and today his movie and cameos and his x-box games have once again gave him a cushion of comfort which after hundreds of blows to the head i pray he finds solace!!!or bliss as we dream!!!sooooo i guess my writings pointless after 4 beers a lakers game against the Denver nuggets in which we lost and my son flew out last night to witness unbeknown to him or me but thats what fate had in store 4 us!!!however after all that my point is manifesting itself now before it escapes my reality ...all i want to say is this.....in 1995 mike Tyson walked out of his dressing room fresh out of prison dripping with parole and fresh prison ink scaring his body..as he made his decent to the ring.. a part of people who cared all around the world died that night!!!after!!!the glory came the sewing!!! mike Tyson won his belt back that night n tupac amur shakur died!!!shortly after the victory that night tupac and suge night we're in a lobby in altercation in Caesars palace in which my mothers sister Laura was a veteran of 20 plus years to wit a 21 aka blackjack dealer in Caesars...during the altercation tupac was seen on hotel lobby cameras kicking a man over and over in the head!!!20 minutes after that while on the way to deathrows club 662 a car pulled along side of tupacs bmw and shots rang out...pac was hit several times... and i being in the circle received the call!!!!tupac was pronounced deceased and my son Tommy Jr was healthy!!!!!all i can say to you that will listen is that i once heard a song where tupac said when he got phone calls collect from on mike Tyson a Nevada inmate!!!Tyson was quoted in pacs lyrics as saying only this to pac after pacs release in 1995 from federal prison!! Tyson only had this to say!!! pac!!! you have to do something righteous with your life!!!okay....so this is where we are!!!!!DO SOMETHING RIGHTEOUS WITH UR LIFE!!!!!!!AS FOR ME I WILL DO SOMETHING RIGHTEOUS...IT AINT ABOUT RELIGION OR YOUR JESUS!!!ITS ABOUT BEING RIGHTEOUS!!! TO YOUR WORLD!!! ITS IMPORTANT..I WILL BE RIGHTEOUS TO MY WIFE!! TO MY SON!!! TO MY FAMILY!!! TOO OLIVER WHO ISNT EVEN WAITING TO BREATHE YET BUT I KNOW IN MY HEART HE'S COMING...OR TO LILLY!!!..THAT'S JUST PLAIN RIGHTEOUS!!! SOME OF OUR PAST ICONS NEVER HEEDED THE SIGNS OF THEIR FUTURES BUT AS FOR ME BEING A NON-COM FORMANT..I CHOOSE TO DO SOMETHING RIGHTEOUS!!!!...as for tupac its sad to see talent destroyed by the intoxication of being caught up in this world!!!In my heart i believe pac was headed down the road to that of a righteous path!!!I've been there..where he was i mean!!!fresh out of the joint all eyes on me ...intoxicated by the comfort of violence and silence!!! those words have power so i will close with them!!!DO SOMETHING RIGHTEOUS WITH YOUR LIFE!!!!

FLASH THEORY

FLASHES....I SEE THEM ALOT!!! I OFTEN WONDER IF EVERYONE SEES THEM BECAUSE ITS PRETTY COMMON IF MY INFO IS RIGHT..AS FOR ME THOUGH THE FLASHES I SEE ARE MOSTLY OF BAD TIMES...I WONDER WHY?? I CAN'T TRULY SAY IF I SEE GOOD FLASHES??I REALLY CAN'T SAY THAT!!I SEEM TO DAYDREAM GOOD SCENES IN MY LIFE BUT FLASHES ARE DIFFERENT..I HAVE SPOKEN OF THEM TO TWO PEOPLE...I TRIED TO EXPLAIN THESE FLASHES I WITNESS..I'L BE OUT SOMEWHERE OR JUST AT HOME AND THE FLASHES ARISE..I WILL EXPLAIN WHAT IM TRYING TO DESCRIBE IN WORDS SO IL TRY IN ANOTHER WAY..IL TELL YA ABOUT A FEW OF THESE REA CURING FLASHES...THE REASON THEY ARE SOMETHING WORTHY OF A BLOG IS BECAUSE MY FLASHES HAVE VOLUME...I CAN HEAR CERTAIN THINGS...BUT MOSTLY BAD OR DANGEROUS THINGS!!!I WILL TAKE FOR INSTANCE I'L SEE A TIME WEN I LAYED A GUN DOWN ON THE COUNTER AND I CAN HEAR THE METALS WEIGHT!!!I MEAN I CAN HEAR THAT ITS HEAVY...THE FLASHES ARE MOSTLY A BLUR BUT THE SOUND IS CLEAR..IF YOU HAVE READ MY BLOG THEN YOU KNOW I USED TO WALK BOTH SIDES OF THE FENCE!! MY ACTIONS WEREN'T LOVELY BUT I TRIED TO KEEP A LOVELY HEART...WHAT IM SAYING IS I FANCIED MYSELF AN OUTLAW!!I WAS AN OUTLAW BACK THEN FOR CERTAIN SO NOW I SEE FLASHES..WHEN I STARTED TO WRITE AND TALK ABOUT THIS JUST NOW IT SEEMED SO MUCH MORE EXCITING...LIFES FUNNY THAT WAY...YOU NEVER KNOW HOW THINGS WILL TURN OUT??WE EXPECT ALOT SOMETIMES..ANYWAYS I WAS JUST TRYING TO EXPLAIN MY FLASHES THATS ALL...I WILL HAVE A FLASH N THEN IT WILL ALTER MY DAY,MY MOOD ECT!!!WHEN I WAS IN PRISON AFTER ABOUT THE 5TH OR 6TH YEAR I STORED SOME FLASHES THAT I WISH I COULD JUST WIPE AWAY...IM ENVIOUS OF COMPUTERS THAT WAY...COMPUTERS GOT IT EASY..THEY JUST GET THEIR HARDRIVE WIPED AND THEIR NEW AGAIN...SOUNDS LIKE BLISS YA???IM SITTING HERE THINKING OF WHAT TO SAY NEXT AND FLASHES RACED BY...I SEEN MY BOY MIKEY..WELL I SAW HIS FACE I MEAN..HE WOULD SMILE EVERYNITE WHEN ID GET HOME FROM MY JOB AT THE DAIRY...THE PRISON I WAS AT BACK THEN HAD A DAIRY AND I WORKED THERE FOR ABOUT A YEAR OR SO...I WORKED AS A HEAT OBSERVER AND I DELIVERED CALVES FED THEM BY BOTTLE AND EVETUALLY RAN THE CAFBARN AND ABSORBED EVERYTHING I COULD..EVERYTHING FROM BREAKING DOWN A CALF PEN FULL OF OLD HAY AND LYE AND WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE??SHIT YES LOTS OF IT...COWS KINDA DISGUSTING..BUT HEY...THEIR COWS!!!SO YEAH I EVENTUALLY BECAME A HEAT OBSERVER AND LEARNED THE ARTIFICAL WAYS THEY IMPREGNATE COWS..ITS A HUGE BUISNESS..OUR DAIRY MADE 6 MILLION A QUARTER....JUST ON MILK...SO ANYWAY ID COME HOME AT LIKE ONE OR TWO IN THE MORNING FROM THE DAIRY AND MIKE WOULD BE THERE WAITING WITH NACOS OR WHATEVER WE WERE COOKING THAT NIGHT..SOMTIMES THE DAIRY GUYS BROUGHT ME FOOD FROM THE STREET..PLUS THE PRISON CAMP GREW JALEPENOS SO WE HAD BURRITOS OR NACHOS ALOT..SO ANYHOW MIKE WOULD HAVE BOTH OUR TV'S ON AND BOTH OUR LITTLE RADIOS BLARING SOME TOP TEN HORRIBLE RAP SHIT BUT HEY HE WAS 17...HE WAS SENT TO ADULT PRISON BECAUSE HE GOT IN TROUBLE IN YOUTH PRISON FOR GANG ACTIVITY...YA HE HAD ANOTHER SIDE OF HIMSELF TOO..ANYHOW HE'D BE UP MAKING IT AN EVENT WHEN I CAME HOME AND I HAVE FLASHES ABOUT IT..WE WOULD SMOKE N JOKE AND PLAY CARDS OR DOMINOS AND LISTEN TO MUSIC TIL 6AM..I REMEBER ONCE WE HAD SMUGGLED SOME WEED IN THRU THE DAIRY AND WE SAT THEIR AT 3 AM WITH OUR MUSIC VIBRATING OUR LITTLE CELL AND MIKEY LOOKED OVER AT ME AND SAID..WE AINT IN PRISON HOMIE!! I LOOKED BACK AND SAID YA I FEEL YA...HE HAD ONLY TWO YEARS ON A SMALL 5 YR SENTENCE SO I KNEW HE'D BE LEAVING SOON..I USED TO GET MAD AT MYSELF FOR CARING ABOUT HOW HURT ID BE WHEN HE LEFT FOR HOME AT LEAST 3 YEARS BEFORE ME...AND HE DID...THREE MONTHS AFTER THAT HIS GIRLFRIEND SENT ME A CATHOLIC ULOGY FROM MIKES FUNERAL EARLIER THAT WEEK...THE WEEK BEFORE HE DIED HE SENT ME A LETTER AND SAID HE COULDN'T WAIT TO SEE ME IN THE NORTHSIDE AND ALL THE FUN IT WAS GONNA BE..I REMEMBER THE END OF THAT LETTER HE SAID HE WAS DOING GOOD BUT HE COULD FEEL HIMSELF SLIPPING MORE AND MORE EVERYDAY!! WHEN THE POLICE ARRIVED AT HIS MURDER SCENE THEY FOUND A NINETEEN YEAR OLD LAYING ON HIS SIDE WITH TWO BULLETS IN HIS HEAD AND THREE FEET AWAY WAS A HANDGUN!!!THE PEOPLE THAT KILLED HIM TRIED TO MAKE THE THING LOOK LIKE SUICIDE BUT THEY WEREN'T ALL THAT SMART..TWO BULLETS!!!TWO BULLETS TWO BULLETS..SUICIDE AND UR DONE ON THE FIRST BULLET...ANYWAY IT CAME OUT HE WAS MURDERED OVER THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD STRUGGLE THING I GUESS..DRUGS GUNS GANG AFFILIATION WHATEVER...HIS GIRLFRIEND TOLD ME THE STORY OF HIS DEATH AND SHE DESCRIBED PULLING UP TO THE SCENE AND HER NIGHTMARE BEGAN!!!I UNDERSTOOD...NIGHTMARES FLASHES..I FEEL THEY ARE KINDA THE SAME..MY FLASHES ARE LIKE NIGHTMARES ONLY WHEN IM AWAKE..ALOT OF THIS WRITING MAT SEEM DARK OR JUST ABOUT THE BAD TIMES BUT IM TRYING TO JUST SEE THE GLASS AS HALF FULL AND CALL MY FLASHES A WARNING TO MYSELF..LIKE A REMINDER...I THINK THEY STICK WITH ME TO REMIND ME OF HOW I GOT HERE AND MAYBE THEY ARE ALSO MY CROSS..LIKE KARMA OR SUMTHN??? IM NOT CERTAIN BUT LAST WEEK I WAS AT A RESTAURANT WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE N A COUPLE OF PALS AND I SAW MY MOST REOCCURRING FLASH..ITS THE GUN BEING LAYED DOWN ON ITS SIDE ON A FLOOR OR COUNTER TOP AND HEARING THE WEIGHT OF IT...IT SOUNDS SO HEAVY!!!

NOT WHAT IT SEEMS!!!

The barbershop has always been one of my favorite places to visit..although its been quite less as iv'e aged!!i used to go once a week on fridays and carried this tradition on for many many years!!!Anyhow i drift when i blog....so if i appear sparatic in my stories or writings as many call blogging..i however prefer to just say im talking..or telling stories of the past..depends on my frame of thoughts at the time!!so anyways when i write here i scattered....i jump from stories of my prision years to the present day..i at times fill my stories with a hatred directed at the person and life i embraced!!!or at times i may seem cocky and as if i glorify the past??those are just demons i fight is all!!!its easy for me to root for the badguys sometimes because ive seen the actions of the so called goodguys in living type situations..definition..the years of living in the system..getting to know figures of authority...building almost friendships with guards opposing lawyers and even some of the very officers that put me where i was ..however as i lived i realized it was me who put me there!!!i met decent men and evil men...its just very distorted when the goodguys are worse then the badguys and youv'e witnessed some things up close!!so yes at times my writing jumps from not wanting to talk more about prison stories to telling more in blogs of that world!!so mornings like this i feel more of a story mode in writing so i want to share a brief story...its actually things i lived and i remember them well so hopefully if you read this you'l be amused..hahaha i kid i kid..but seriously i started this blog talking about the barber shop and how the weekly ritual is something i enjoyed....So okay then it was a friday..its always Fridays when the barbershop is one appointment you don't miss for anything..i used to plan my day around it..see the weekends starting its nice to start it with something new like a haircut..and shave if you go that route??i personaly love the whole hot towel thing..its missed these days..not just by me but i think lots of the old ways are missed..i still know where they exist but thats a different time n life for me...so anyway it was friday and i had to manuver the day perfect..but my priority was hittn the barbershop before 4 and i'l get into that later..so i went to see if my clothes were done being laundered and starched n pressed??i had close friend who seperated my laundry from other public wash cycles cuz he put my stuff in a special soap that was very easy and non irritating on my skin...so i checked with him at 7am and he said my laundred clothes would be delivered at 11am..i love deleveries..il tell ya why later..so next i thanked my friend and went to see how my finances looked for the week..i used to count everything or pay to have it done..and id monitor it peridically as id be in between friday rituals...next id go see if i could get someone actually pay someone to sign my name on the roll call in the class i was enrolled in on fridays..that way id get credit still n could make my friday more of a stress free day then gettn all worked up over things that fridays can present..so i'd next make sure id stuck my head in the barbershop to see if my barber was there and hadnt called in sick or anything dramatic that day....id say hey ronald il be in around 3 is that cool doggie???he'd sometimes be in a goodmood or sometimes he'd wanna negotiate...id end the negotiations quick by letting him know i was gonna tip him above n beyond whatever bullshit customer he was placing in his friday debacle...i alwayz knew he was just hurting for cash but i liked him and even did a few other things with him outside the workplace..we made a few bucks together but il tell ya more about that later..so this day he was in a good mood n said ya i'l see ya at 3..i gotta light day so far so tell ur cousin and a few of your boyz i can fit em in if they need a trim?? i said cool id bring some of my troops to get cuts cuz it makes the shop more fun when you dont have to worry abt sensoring your conversations...wed often fill the whole shop by 12 noon and everyone else was turned away!!so we parted with pleasantries n i was off.....i went by jasons and said hey i got you in the shop with me before 3..you down??he always counted on this so he'd be like ya you know the deal il see ya before then a few times right??he too took or had his weekly laundry done at the same place..well we all did but only jason used my friend to use the soft laundry soap on his stuff because its a little pricier but i figured its worht it just on knowing your laundries seperate from everyone elses right???makes sense dont it??hhaah just seeing if you paying attention cuz this is gonna get good..real good...so next id shake hands with jason and stop next at a few spots where i had some financial interests and we'd discuss money profits and need and demand...at that time demand was at a high because a new building opened and money was to be made before the boring routines and militant patterns formed...well then..id conversate with guys i was in buisness with and sometimes id let one or two know theres empty seats at the barbershop n i could get em in!!!then id say bye and try to make it to the place where i got fresh vegatables for fridays dinner and u'd think we'd go out being friday but i never did ...but il tell ya why later...so id get an assortment of tomatoes onions bellpeppers and a few other things depending on deleviries...id have someone deliver them to my house later and id be happy all was going accordingly on my weekend start..so next id make a few calls and see if i could either workout before lunch or was there buisness to attend??friday lunches were more of meeting then eatings cuz you wanna save your appetite for the friday nite dinner..trust me you do!!so this day i slid thru lunch and sat with a few of my friends and buisness associates and id nibble on a sandwich but mostly be looking at my watch beacause after friday lunch while a chunk of the rat race world would go back to work or even in my world guys would go back to work or school id be thinking of making that barbershop appointment with no outside interference....it was high on my priority list...i think you know???haha okay so next id say later to the fellas and basically make a quick route some might call a b-line for the barbershop!!!id anticipate the whole event...as id approach the huge window with the barbershop stencil id at times feel queezy in my stomach and id crane my neck over the stencil and see the scene!!! yep..jason was there mike was there paul would be sittn across the chairs already telling stories and everyones laughing..the line outside is already going around the corner..and in it i see alotta friendly faces too...no waiting for me though so i walk in n say wat up peoples?? and everyone either says wat up or says a funny putdown as we all slap hands or hug depending on whos who...i always hugged jason to let everyone know we r dear friends and in this im also saying to them ..hes like family and if you have ill intentions towards this man i wont tread lightly....ya see alotta old ways are practiced here from the hot towels i descibed to the shady deals that go on either in the back behind the curtain or right out in frony cuz everyone knows everyone 99 percent of the time here..these barbers are trusted and probably have heard stories worthy of detremental outcomes for those divulging their buisness here..but its a family thing mostly so like i said its an event..so id wait for ronald to brush up his chair wipe of his clippers n and ask what number guard i wanted this week>>are you gettn a shave too??he'd ask???you already know id say!!!id sit back n get my hair trimmed up and listen to stories for the next hour and id imput my own affiliations to some stories and others id just listen too...some of my friends would already have a bottle of alchohol under the barberchair??? 1in the afternoon n their already sippin sum act right..i called it act right cuz some tempers are dampened by alcohol while others are fueled by it!!!either way have a sip of act right is what id say if thats how they got by?? so anyhow id listen laugh tell stories maybe take a hit of a joint someone passed and id listen to the music vibrate...thats the thing every barbershop has a 63 year old owner who has the same am fm piece of shit radio with either a hanger or tinfoil wrapped around the broken antenna for better reception...>but on fridays reception seemed better then most days...to me anyway!!!so next id see what everyone was doing later that night??whos place was everyone going to??reds? our spot? where?? then id check my haircut out n say ron was the man.. id hand him his payment with a little extra if i really liked the haircut and he'd usually say he needed to come by my place later n id say you know your welcome see ya then and id walk.....id move past chairs and look at my friends haicuts and id make jokes about how fucked up their haircut looks and id say stuff about how the ricky martin look was really working or watever putdown i could muster..then id whisper something to jason.shake his hand and begin my departure knowing the outside line awaited..id look back to the barbers and say bye and ask if everyone was good and id depart....as i opened the door id have a couple guys already motioning me and id either say i was busy or id approach...the conversation ranged from them wanting to borrow money or to complain about someone or to just bullshit...id always hope it wasnt drama..i hated when drama messed with my friday release...so i said later to the guys in line and went to check on the plans for the night...everything was lovely after the haircut..i felt new after a haircut...i felt as if my friday routine was just that..ROUTINE...there was times in my life i prayed for routine because drama could mean you wouldnt be seeing tommorow..the thing is this!!! friday barbershop rituals were beacause at 5pm on fridays are visiting days times for family friends and loved ones to see you..for you to see them...i always wanted to walk out to visits looking new..sometimes itd be a visit from my dad who flew out to see me and made it a mini vacation by staying a few days in town and adding to the friday ritual excitement...so yes as i wrote this i wondered if my brother would put two n two together early and realize the barbershop was a prison barbershop!!jason is a dear friend we call snoopy and the vegatable run and laundered clothes were prison kitchen hustles and prison laundry faciliteis..i was an inmate at a new facility which im sure now is 90 percent more militant and regulated facility then it was..but we were the first..we molded the place..we molded guards and visiting and basically it was our playground..i wasnt who i am now and thats why i had suck a cushioned lifestyle in there...everyone i chose to interact with on a personal level was because we we running the place and everyone was in line and for the time i loved it there...i had homies who would protect me and knew id return the favor...my barber would sell large quantaties of tabacco for me and my crew and those were some of the whispers i detailed earlier in the writing..the rest well..use your imagination..it takes alotta of energy and wits not to mention heart to live above poverty outside can you imagine trying it inside???that was the goal...to grab whatever you could of the outside world and bring pieces of it inside..it made you feel more real..like u had some extra freedoms even if they sound microscopic to you..beleive me when you cant see over that wall sometimes a deep drag of a smuggled cigarette somehow takes you over the wall temporarily...i dont try to glorify these past paths i walked down but thats because i moved on and dont i live that way or taint my life with any aspect of my past years...i have got some feedback that people wanna know about it so i'l tell about it!!!!it could be months before im in a place to write about the years i was gone but i'l more then likely tell again another day...today however im good....im not only working for a stable company but iv'e just accepted a new job that is a place iv'e worked hard to be in...theres pros and cons...but there always is...frankly im just happy to have a job..n blessed to be moving on to something better..don't think in saying that i mean blessed in a religious way...if you have a GOD it might not be someone elses GOD so i choose not to go there..i believe family n friends bless you as much as our gods do...anyway i hadnt talked here in a while and stress can sometimes distort opinions of writings so i blog more when times are successful...or at least lately i guess...well im gonna go but im glad mjs working and my weddings in July....I WILL SEE SOME OF YOU AT MY BACHELOR PARTY RIGHT GUYS???HAHAHHA LET ME KNOW IF THIS BLOG SUCKED MUCH?? i just say what i say!!!PEACE

THE AFTERMATH

I wrote a blog a few days or weeks ago then i told my brother it takes alot out of me to converse these feelings,these thoughts these memories...when i write i at times stop and delete it because i dont want the stories replaying in my head for hours or even days at times..when i read something good i remember it forever..like when i read about the main character in cacher in the rye sat in a museum exhausted after a journey through emotions finally fatigued by his life!! or when che walked his motorcycle when it wouldnt run because of one problem or the other?? or the little brother in aztec when he saw his sister in a display window for circus freaks!!! well hell i even remember when bathsheebas husband had to much love for his wife so he took his drunk ass to the porch and slept it off!!! i also remember hoe i felt when the princess turned peasant in pillars of the earth got thrown out of her own castle when the kingdom was overthrown!! and finally i remember when gesepe and his son hid in a hole with all their possessions melted into gold bars made into a belt to conceal their sole belongings when the soldiers turned their colony into chaos!!! so my point is that when i write these blogs they sometimes take weeks to push them to the back of my mind!!!the good talks are happily embraced and even missed when they become hazy!!however the stories of the past hurt me sometimes just as those events hurt more then myself back in those times!!!i rarely write about my mom or friends that iv'e watched be taken as if they were never here at all!!we as people comfortably put the things that make us emotional in a kinda of suspension retrievable when are hearts and minds can accept it!!so yes i dont blog often as id like i guess but thats only cuz my heart haswnt the walls i once kept it surrounded with!!!iv'e recently become engaged to someone who if you have met already i needent say more...all these things are emotional because of where we and i have come or gone or already been!! my mom wont be at my wedding and i missed my brothers wedding but he'l be here for mine!!i got out of prison a month or two late for some barely missed events..my little cellmate mikey got murdered 3 weeks before i came home..id just received a letter from him in which he stated brother i'l see you in three!!!he wont be at my wedding either!!he took two bullets to the head by a 14 yr old gangmember trying hard to foloow a path i helped lay!!its okay though cuz now i help divide that path!!!my first move in that chess game was taking myself out of the game first!!!next was to flood my sons thoughts with the choices and outcomes in life!!!i often think of my wedding day and i sulk for the people who wont be there!!!but then its okay because just think of the people that will!!! well im about to cook some fish and asparagus spears and maybe after that i'l relax...il absorb these thoughts n probably miss mikey but make a qiuck recovery thinking about all that i have!!!we make these choices and we deal with these outcomes!!it's just nice to write about things that leave a lovely aftertaste sometimes...its less of a beating on my heart!!!i always sign off with a witty conclusion so tonight won't be any different!! in that il just say this.. i walked by my sons room today while he was not aware i wa watching and he was doing a lil dance and inside i laughed but outside i got teary i remember when i was his age and even now!!sometimes you just dance!!! you celebrate life when you have a moment of freedom from stress and we DANCE!!!