beatiful losers

This morning i woke up hit the button on my commputer n sat across from my girl...I Logged onto my brothers blogg spot and scrolled through the dates of bloggs closest to the release date of my incarceration.I found what i was looking for....i read it aloud to my girlfriend....you have to understand when i say my girlfriend im not just refering to another girl im passing meaningless time with...im refering to my partner in life..my other half...i mean she's been apart of me since i was a kid and she even younger...13 0r 14 i think???anyway his blogg was created july 22nd the year isn't realative but we'l say its in the past 5...to protect the guilty...anyway i wrote my brother on my last night in prison and in his blogg he recited bits from my letter....it almost broke me this morning...i would have been so much more breakable then cuz i was broken...now i can somewhat control my emotions cuz my life is well...storybook at times....i have a great job that i love,my sons here and my partner in life looks at me and i see loyalty and friendship looking back....i mean when i was vunerable it was mostly cuz i was guilty for the things i was involved in....prison gang life,street gang life,knowing the ways of men who aren't productive for our life...checking drug counts and spots .giving fake smiles in exchange for drugs and money that would be gone faster then those fake smiles...when i was there i was just so far gone i couldn't really see coming back...i used to look around my cell and say [this ain't bad i got a nice one man cell with a tv radio coffee pot even a dog..]plus i was somebody in there and my biggest fear was being a nobody when i got out...these fears were most relevent when my lil son was debating us leaving the big bad streets of the northside...he said..dad we can't leave here..we won't be anybody wherever we go but here we are somebodies...who are we i asked???you kidding dad everyone knows me by my dad..your a real gangster here..respected and therefore noone comes my way with any disrespect cuz of who my dad is and the image i'l follow and represent with pride....fuck man look how detrimental one mans actions can be on a generation not even breathig yet...he was 13 then and his friends youngest brothers were 4 or 5...and they were all down to ride..to pick up the slack..to ensure the existence of ongoing beatiful losers...

reasons

tressy was a throwback from the cholo vato vida loca era....i remember her make up always heavy on the mascara..to her friends and family she was a tuff streetsmart girl...one who knows about ilegal stuff...criminal goings on...but i never once saw any tuff girl or criminal other then seeing her high a few times...or sometimes when she'd speak to someone in her world in that code[drug code]..onetime one of her husbands who i knew pretty well n who was nice enough..well this guy once took me into the prison my mom was in that year[85] he put two packs of cigarettes in each of my pockets and sai for me not to touch em...yeah right..soon as the words left his mouth i was angling a way to get to the bathroom and get into them cigarettes plus i could sneak a smoke at the same time n get away with it cuz prisons only let one at a time in the visitors bathroom...soooo..i got in and peeled a weak ass disguise of masking tape opened the cigatettes and hoping for maybe a marijuana joint instead i had two seran wrapped balls of brown tar like shit fall into the toilette...i fished em out n shakily returned em back to the cigarette pack and smoked a menthol to stop my hands from shaking...[i almost lost a couple grams of heroin..my moms only life in there] so all was good that day.. i saw mom i did some breakdancing for her friends in the visiting room and my mom smiled alot but also i could tell she needed to have the 12 noon count[when you go back to your cell from your visit and get the drug trade flowing and if ur a indulger you get right yourself] my mom would come back in the second half of the visit much mellower and she'd be happy..dozily but it'd be a lovely visit non the less...she'd do things in those visits that later in life lead me to know that she was preparing me for my future[in prison]....she'd show me why she wore her watch on the inside of her wrist she'd show me how to hide 2 joints and a fifty dollar bill in a rubber hairbrush...she'd tell me how to melt plastic so if you had to hit someone it just be one shot n game over!!! she'd always hide the talk n deeds from my older brother mj but that was mostly cuz she didn't wan't him stressing on me being in there too someday...he always tried to protect and guide ..even when i did make it to prison he'd send books with motives[good ones]..but he just wasn't trying to lose his little brother to the same cycle...getting caught up in this world kinda makes everything blurry though ya know??? anyway i started this blogg saying how i never saw my moms criminal side...then i rode thru stories of criminal guidance she'd program my way...to me she was just larger then everybody..they all talked shit but ran to my mom for favors when they needed her credentials in her world...but know that im grown i know she just thought i needed armor for later and she was right..its just a shame though because i chose to need that armor.....i mean i wasn't lying in my profile about the church..my uncle [stepdad]aka moms brother..he sent me to private school..and set out some good options but i was already intoxicated by my moms world..my birthfathers world...my aun't suzys world..and alotta peoples worlds...my mother passed a trait in me and the best description i can give is if your a bull in a room full of bulls your not the bull who looks away....your the bull who can achieve cuz you believe....that trait single handedly cost me a price i don't even understand yet..i got a better understanding then way back but its hard to realize why???what your reasons where???or what your reasons are!!! it took till 2007 for me to finally let my mom go even though she passed like 20 years ago...it was last year i let the chip off my shoulder...i still keep pieces of her close but stopped the hate i thought she caused indirectly inside me...my girlfriend pulled over on the offramp on our way home from la[my moms stomping grounds]..well my girlfriend pulled over so i could lose control and cry and blurt out all the reasons i'd missed tressy so much and the way our family had no photos or anything of my mom in any of their houses on display and how my moms never gonna meet my son and i had to let the fact that she's never gonna be here again was killing me inside cuz i just wanted her to come back and it have all been a god damn dream...her time in prison my time in prison and finally her death...i just let the reasons go man..that night i just let em go!!!!!

tressy

this name is known by those whom it means something to...before i discuss her i'l tell ya a lil about me n why im writing...first off i won't use spell check or a dictionary to make myself seem smart or clever..or arrogant..iv'e been there ..many times...i want you to feel me thru my writing so i'l try to spell my best n try to just talk to you....i read alot of books in the 9 yrs i was gone and so i can vision some words that i'l add to try n teach as i learn...when i say teach i just mean that iv'e been on many paths of life and i want to stress the importance of not giving any more life to a lifestyle that intoxicates millions of our youths everyday...me included...also my son...i hate what i loved. two weeks ago i had a tatto removed off my face and these wordz will also eliminate the life i gave what i once held so dear to my heart..i continue to pay for my choices everyday but all i can do is try to promote options for my son and those who would listen...the wages of sin are felt when i listen to my sons reasons for his love for that prior life i once glorified in front of him as an infant.. i was detrimental to his upbringing and now i am reminded of reaping the harvests we sew!! anyway i try to show my son that beyond the homiez n the familia and the drug money and relationships and cars and being somebody amongst a bunch of nobodies...beyond these liquid posessions is LIFE...i mean he watches me on my laptop wearing glasses and argyle sweaters and loafers and im comming home from my warehouse job and sometimes he smiles and it makes me wonder if it's laughing at me my clothes or if he's happy im not riding anymore..riding is the term gangsters use to describe themselves n their way of life.. being a rider means you will ride for your click your team your familia your money your drug spot or your name...hence my introduction,,convictions of a writer....my older brother wrote me in prision before i was released and he said my new motto should be {no more riding]...i was released about 8 yrs early because i began to evolve..i didn't change.. i hate that fuckn word...i evolved.....when i came home i had the best intentions of changing but about two hour out i was already checking my clicks drug spots and getting on deck with some work[crack] to ensure i could still be a somebody in the northside..aka the sreets i came up on...anyway back to tressy..my mom..i won't write her real name but this was her nickname and i'l refer to it often in these pages...she's been gone since i was thirteen and was in prison most of my life before that..in the early 80's when she got parole and her life ended part of mine ended as well.....thats when the hate began..when it all started for me..........to be continued...