ABEL AND KANE!!! part 2

I wasn't trying to say my life has turned out any better then mj's...Actually he's probably in a better place financially then i am per say..I only make under 20 bucks hourly but that's irrelevant.My point is in part one i stated that i hope my brother finds comfort..And i meant that!!I said a lot about taking it off him too!! Some might say i spoke and speak of the burden..Burdens are heavy but for me i just wasn't trying to wonder where my mom and dad had been...We used to visit my mother Tresina in an assortment of correctional facilities and i had to carry the torch for a time!!I don't come to you with explanations or pleas for acceptance or forgiveness..Im forgiven i promise you!!Im not forgiven by your golden calves but my guilt is eased by my wife's smile and my son's heart too!!You really have something when you can see into your own sons hearty and it's real to you both!!My son has forgiven me with respect and i remember when i only had a distorted definition of respect!!My son respects me for the same reason my wife does..Because they are both secure with their risk!!My number one talent in life if you ask me is my people skills...i believe you can read me..Im very readable..My wife knew my heart was pure when she was 13 years old. and some years later my son explained the politics of love to me again..He said" dad just cuz you buy me stuff and give me money doesn't mean you love me"...WOW I REMEMBER IT LIKE HE JUST RIGHT NOW SAID IT... Just don't leave us again and don't go back!!..I never left again!! Never left him...His rooms tight next to ours!!I was just earlier talking to my wife about the next year or two when he goes to college or becomes a male nurse or a computer tech?? The possibilities are endless..hahah i love that line..So ya Anyways Abel AND KANE huh? I was never trying to be better then anybody and i never was...MJ or anybody ...I just went my own way and walked a different path for a time!!Believe me i know my ties and offerings by heart..I know what i owe mj..I know what i owe my son and my wife too...I owe no doubt...I repay with pieces of my heart and i feel tired from it all but it's good to be here and penance is eternal...The prices we pay for taking the same journeys as our parents sometimes play-out for hundreds of years i am certain....I use clips of sayings that i hear to give my words a pulse....What i mean to say is you get your love back and maybe your children respect and you write and live and love and drink wine ..but there's always the end of the day...The time to sleep...This is the time for reaping....you always pay wages when you can't control your mind...your thoughts...That's all i was saying..that's what i meant to convey about MJ..I took it off him way back then because it was more for me...I think maybe i can detain it and it can die with me...right here...I hold a responsibility to let it live or die..For some people they don't carry on their parents ambitions for one reason or another...I read a blog from mj sometime ago where he revealed flashbacks of low-riding with my mom and her boyfriend way back in 73..I remember he wrote like a possessed soul and the whole story was a roller coaster of thrills because i remediable the times..I remember the smiles and the consequences.... Mj described it as a time of feeling high...feeling the effects of the marijuana smoke being passed back and fourth in my moms boyfriends impala!! Ya so i guess the reason i took the weight is so that mj didn't have to Reap the Harvest..That's something else...If you look deeply in my eyes you might see the layers...The night comes and the nightmares show up with no forgiveness!!THE WAGES OF SIN THE WAGES OF SIN!!You can't stay numb every night so on the nights when you feel good and confident and lay your head to rest with no pacifier they come!!!I sometimes wonder if it will always be this way? Will i sleep with my own conscience?Im not sure? It's worth it you know??It's worth it because i know mj can sleep....He protected me and i was uncivilized about the situations...but hey MJ can sleep..And sometimes i dream good dreams..oceans n stuff!!.to be continued...Im tired!!

ABEL AND KANE!!!

So i guess there's a time...a point in your life when you have to tell it..Or let it die forever..I guess???..So i guess im going to tell it...tell it from the start...way back...1965.. still five more years until i was alive!!.. Its good though that's when Mj was born That is when another chapter began...My brother would tell you different but i have the still-frames in my mind forever(por vida)..that's one of few Spanish phrases i picked up on during my journey but we'll get to that later..)The still-frames i have are of a proud kid who had nothing but hope!!MJ used to comb his black hair straight back!! He wanted it to look like his cousin and imaginary half brother lewis's hair!! Lewis was a handsome fellow for the 70's//Actually any time that guy would have been handsome..Mj tried to mimic his style...White t shirt khakis...the whole nine i swear it!!Like ten years later when i was 5 i was in my step cousin Lewis room while he ironed his khakis and polished his Stacy Adams and loaded his 38 special revolver..(My personal favorite memory to date)..Anyways when i was around five my brother MJ was still down..My mother was still in prison and hooked on heroin and Lewis was a GOD for us!!Mostly for MJ..Its funny how the men we idolize as children are the same nightmares our mothers brought home!!My cousin Lewis was lovely but do you remember the 38 revolver??Oh ya my cousin would show up with red roses but first im quite certain he had to check the address to remember a girlfriend or was it a funeral he brought flowers to celebrate?My mothers boyfriend were the same...one after another..Nice when they weren't dope sick but Satan every-other day or so i was told later!!Anyway MJ and Me huh? Yeah we started the SAME.. We went through it all together..At one point we chose different paths and today its no different but it better..It's bliss actually for me..I just hope my brother finds comfort...You see for along time they asked me to write this...He did too>>MJ i mean>>but we all discussed privacy..invasion?? So here i am telling it...Pulling no punches..Telling it Raw..from the beginning...back to innocence..Yessir i was an alter boy at our lady of Guadalupe in around 1981..but there's too much to tell before then..but ya i was an Alter boy too!!I guess ill start with Sammy and see how much i can take...Sammy was a heroin dealer..My moms boyfriend..My so-called step Dad..Not Father But step Dad!!We had many motels downtown by the sunset strip...My brother was already 10 years old and into all kinds of havok!! The streets were raising another angel from the los city..I remember way back then seeing the hesitation..the uncertainty..the looking around to pass the cup..and here i came...i put my hands out and took the weight from my brother..I embraced the cold world and took that shit off of him!!I knew he wasn't ready for it..It wasn't in him..He had to pass it..I remember one day some years later my brother brought home a trumpet when we were in foster care..I knew he was gone and i was doing the tour..It wasn't for him...Maybe it wasn't for me either..But hey i have some regrets...I hate when people say (i Have NO regrets) .. I myself have a few..