WHAT DID I MISS???

My first day out of prison....i thought about telling you about my last night in prison but its too much for me to express without all the emotional outcome overwhelming my saturday morning..its early..way too early for an emotional wreck!!!So instead the day i left...they start around 5am and shuffle evryone to chow earlier then your regular routine..your housed in a pod designed for either comming into the system or leaving!!many men have died in these cells..in the early 1800s when that place was built it was metal cast iron cages..then in the 1900s it became 6 by 11 cement cells...in the 70s it was rated the most violent prison in the us. i walked the yard with my close friend grandpa g and he pointed out many points of interest in the several years i walked the yard while he'd run down the old ways...he wasnt a good man..hes in his 70s now n everybit as dangerous if not more dangerous then he was in those days..the difference is now it would be his soldiers doing his deeds for him..earning serious status in stripes for protecting a legend behind those walls..we'd walk and talk i grew to not fear him as much but actually began to care about him and learn from this small old man...he showed me a path between two handball courts called blood alley..he explained in the 70s many men entered the alley and never returned with their life!!!anyway the morning i left he was in holding awaiting a medical trip as his health these days is deteriorating rapidly!! wages of sin i assume???he has 11 life sentences for killing 3 guards in an attempted armor truck heist!!!i once asked him why he killed all three???I HAD NO CHOICE..hmmmmmm this choice thing comes up often when your older..so anyhow at 6 am they start poping doors for you to bring your laundry down and this is when you really know your going home!!!many doors don't pop because of bond holds outta state warrants new charges ect. ect. so trust my words its the longest hour of your life.....my door popped!!!!i almost fainted...i grabbed my laundry and began my walk down the tier...iv'e told this story to one person before..my brother mj..in a letter that i mailed upon my release.. i kept a pad n pen for the whole departure and began the night before and ended the letter after i was in my dressout clothes awaiting the final gate to open!!!as i began my decent down the tier many voices rang out and my name but my nickname rang out and many things were said and some were heard!!i remember hearing>>hey CC do good outhere gansta send picures homie!!! and hey CC are you nervous dog??? and CC CC cc cc cc!!!! as i walked i told myself i have my niece and brother on each shoulder like angelic beings...angelz on my shoulders protecting my decent!!!i was almost thru it and grandpa gs ceel was 3rd to the last...i wondered what id say???i got closer and close...i didnt look into any cells i dint want to see any faces..as i passed his cell i didnt look at him...but i know he saw the tears running down my cheeks!!!anyway the rest went by like a whirlwind and it was on!!!the gate opened i was greeted by a friend that picked me up..i was given a new outfit shoes cellphone sum jewlery a few gifts and was chauferred away to my town!!!i stopped about 15 minutes away and met up with a prison guard who i gave a can of tobacco a pack of lighters a nd a gallon of vodka also a bag of macdonalds 99cent cheeseburgers and fries...ya i owed man...the guard would later bring them into the prison to my crew and my name would certainly ring out once more!!!ya see i got love in there for having this heart..do u think theyd stop n do all that for me???a free man out here and i stopped and did what i said i'd do...my best friend in there told me before i left..hey homie if you dont get a chance to meet up with the guard dont trip noone will be mad we are used to it..even the guard who was more with us then with the system had her doubts..yes HER doubts..but they cant figure out what they don't understand is there will always be men amongst men who have a lil more heart..who are loyal to a game that shows them no rewards??that isn't loyal to anyone and promises detrimental outcomes to everyone who has crossed paths with you!!anyway i finally arrived in my neighborhood around12 noon...i drove to an old apartment complex best described by shows such as the wire and any related shows revealing the drug and gang culture!!!i saw the lookouts and heard the whistles and watched the corner boys watch me with concern and no exspressions..i parked and got out..theres a basketball court in the middle of the complex and many actions stopped and focused on me...i opened the car door and turned around and changed my shirt for all to view my collage of prison ink i was so proud of!!!once i felt all my tatoos had been understood and taken in i turned around...just as i knew here came the boys...alotta kids n older guys came towarz me with smiles throwing up hoods and areas with their fingers...i scanned the group looking for one face..i saw it!!!a tall kid in the middle wearing all north carolina gear and a huge smile...it was him..my son!!!i shuffled thru the crowd n we hugged and i cried..my son said this is my dad big CC from the joint!!!it was a blurry of introductions..this is manuel we call him pelon..this is jos'e aka dreamer ect ect...i turned and hugged the youngsters and various questions rang out???do you know my dad,my brother my primo??what yars were you on iz my carnal cool do u like daddy yankee???do u need work u got a piece yet ???yo ur shoes are tight!!!after it all me n my son got in the car and drove...lets hit the swapmeet alright t i said???ya im down he said...we went to the swapmeet and got sum clothes more to our liking and it was funny cuz in the swapmeet i heard my name ring out immediately..i guess this is where the gangsterz go..alotta guys id been in prison with came over and said hey...no hugs out here cuz we were on a new playing field.street shit aint the pinta playa!!beefs dropped in there but out here it was the game n the street!!we didnt hug cuz everyone has guns in their waste...yes even after all my evolving i still carried heat!!!im not a dumb person!!!many choices can end in one instant and my first day out i wasnt about to die...not without a fight i mean...anyway we got our gear n headed to meet up with all my extended family mostly related to my son by blood and to me by gang affiliation!!! we pulled up to the resteraunt and shit got deep...i was hugged and greeted by everyone and we sat down orderd and waited for our food..i began to get warm then hot the i felt nacious sic.. i almost threw up!!!i looked around and people were whispering and pointing and i heard an elderly lady tell he husband i asked my nephew to accompany me to the bathroom and i walked in and completley broke down..i cried n cried and he'd already been outta prison a year and said damn uncs i told everyone it was too soon for you to come out to a resteraunt!!!we stood in silence and i washed my face n walked back out to our table..noone said anything and my son looked at me and nodded his head and we ate....i said my goodbyes and we drove off...i sat back n nodded off.. my adrenaline left and i was numb...when i sat down to write this morning this wasnt where i was going..but its where i ended up..hope ya feel me..i may finish this or i may talk about other things..but today a great deal later then where this story started im in my home with the christmas tree lit he firplace on...my laptop humming the music echoing and im warm and comfortable...no more game..nomore guns nomore traffik no more homiez no more crown!!!my sons asleep in his room and hes awaiting christmas morning ...its quiet here ...amongst the music and all its quiet!!theres no lookouts here theres no gang whistles signs or mentality..there are nomore soldierz awaiting orderz their are no more grand entrances to and from bars clubs or prision yards therez just silence and memories of a life so far gone i cant even recite it without thinking deep!!!i walk to the car unarmed nowdays i eat out and dont care if my backs to the front entrance i have a beatiful life..my son has one too...two years now and a quote from my favorite series the wire replays over and over in my head!!!IM HOME NOW!! IM HOME!!!

SILENCE

YA I HAVE TO FEEL A CERTAIN WAY TO TALK 4 A BLOGG!!!WRITING,TALKING WHATEVA YOU SAY!!!ITS OUR PERSPECTIVE THAT BLEEDS INTO INK AND EVOLVES INTO WORDS TYPED ON OUR PAGES!!!WITH THAT SAID I WAS THINKING ABOUT SILENCE!!!THE DIFFERENT KINDS??I REMEMBER WHEN SILENCE THREATNED MY HEALTH!! so anyway i feel like wen im sittn next to people be it my girl or my brother or my son..in between our conversing we enjoy comfortable silence and its priceless..i love to stare at my bestfriend while she drives n talks to me or just sits there quiet!!!i go to my dads house n sumtimes i lay way deep into hiz couch n enjoy the silence...its never silent there but my own silence is lovely while i listen and learn???itz one of my favorite things in the world to watch people live!!!i dont have much to say tonight however i wanted to talk about thiz thing i remembered on the movie jesse james by robert ford the coward...jesse had a repetitive eye type movent condition and the narrorator expressed thoughtz that jesses condition was almost as if the world was too much for jesse to see and take in all at once!!! i think of the statement often cuz my brothers gift for my birthday this year was a surgical removal of a tattoo on my face that symbolized convictionz!!! i didnt get the lazer i received the procedure of having it cut off of my face with a surgical knife..ever since iv'e had a flutter n twitch constantly!!! so i guess i think of that narrators wordz alot!!!ITS AS IF THE WORLD WAS TO BIG FOR HIM TO SEE AND TAKE IN!!!we know my reason my eye twitches to a 99 percent accuaracy however jesses aliement was guessed and opinions were revealed but maybe it was from a thousand different outcomes as a reasult of those times!!!its just funny to ponder what opions will be given on our conditions or aliemants to those hearing stories or reading books or watching movies of our time and us personally!!!just sum thoughts....

my brother's music