NINE-22-11

Today i decided to write about it...Life man..you cant contain it or really plan it..It's life..And yes It scares me...It scares me some...I wrote not long ago about how life around here is waiting to breathe again and yes it's even closer...i can almost smell her...I vision 2am nights standing over Elisa's crib watching life...Few things in my life have been this good.Tommy and Sara are my best additions to what i brought to the James trilogy!!And when i say trilogy i mean our family tree...The Wolf pack joined us and we are strong today...I feel with my daughter there's new hope.....James's are an honorable bunch but maybe the unity will bring us a...hold up man I'll continue this after i pour a drink..reboot...roll-up ..YOU KNOW!!

THE CLASSIC LIFE!!

I don't think you can hide from what you truly LOVE!!I was looking in my closet the other day for some shorts appropriate for work.I took out two pair of Dickie's shorts.I asked myself are these work appropriate?? I remember when dickies represented something else to me....I re associate thing nowadays however thanks to my best friends advice...She said re associate things...That classic life will never lose it's glare for my memory though!!I'm not sure what era is most responsible but i am certain the classics mostly have deep roots!!When we were about 2 yrs old my uncle mark had a fair lane dropped on fat boys with shaved doorhandles and teardrops ...I have heard they let him cruise it in the early 70's in La Puente's yearly City Parade!!Today that car would symbolize some gangster hip hop low rider affiliation!!Same with the Dickes i guess too...But not for me..They represent the working guy like me who has Dickies in the weekly lineup.I know there's allot of people who feel the same about things.I guess for a young 40 yr old im just old school...I mean i still love Mafia movies and good taste in clothes and even Cadillacs..It pisses me off to the core that everything i love has different associations but i just had to stop and re associate things and love things for what they are to me not what they are to people who want things for different reasons...I was like 5 yrs old and MJ was probably ten..I remember having the top buttons on our shirts buttoned and and our size small slingshots on underneath with khakis on and we fit in...We were amongst friends in those clothes and my biggest fears are not being comfortable in the clothes I'm in right now...It's just changed now you know?Mostly Golf shirts and an occasional dress shirt... Mostly anyways!!I come here and talk shit about the classic days and if you feel me you do if not maybe I'll get to you later...I often revisit my past and get it out...I was at a Reggae show with my wife and son who's 18 and heard some young attractive girl who was all but throwing it at my son say something peculiar...She told my son she knew he was all gangster It makes me feel like a Monster that i was behind my son and i for once glimpsed the Gangster he reflects...Until he speaks that is...He's actually a gentle giant but like some of the old Classics he still clings to that classic life!!!I guess it's unexplainable to describe how i once wanted my son to be Marlo like...I mean you know running a crew in the North side im certain and you know really make a go at them Quiggs(North sides biggest housing projects in Denver) or something big like that.When i got out of the Joint myself however i couldn't have my son on that path man...This past week he was at dental school tours and seeking some refuge in the Navy perhaps and i couldn't be prouder...I often stop to write about how far we have evolved from our prior role models of our youth!!Before all the ratting on each other and witness protection and the Crack era and Boyz in the Hood we just had the Classic life!!!

POETRY POWER & PACIFIERS

I was asking myself the other day..could you do what he did? I want to believe I could but I'm not 100% on the question..Dad, uncle, Mom's brother...all in the same to me.There's people that either step up or don't when the times are tough.My dad stepped up and took his sister's sons in when she got into her trouble...He had a young daughter and wife of his own with a serious brain tumor but he moved over...He made room for me & Mj...So the other day I asked myself, "could you do that?" I always say I would take in any of my family's kids, should tragedy strike, but I'm not sure if I mean it...I'm not my DAD...I want to have a heart as good as his but that comes with a lot of sacrifice..That's what defines family - though Sacrifice!!My Dad could have just as well went down his sister's path for indeed it was the 70's...My birth father was already probably 4 yrs into a life sentence in some prison someplace in California's great rehabilitation process..But anyways like I was saying, my uncle took us in and tried to do what all young dads do..Little league sprinkled with a little religion on Sundays and camping trips every summer..I never bought into any of it at the time for I was one to seek Power..not real power but more of a watered down neighborhood struggle. A kind of power which I observed all over my mother...Boy when she first came home from prison on parole, even my toughest friend, Kevin, was swallowing deep when she got out of the car...Anyhow I spent way too many years of my life chasing that illusion...when I myself was in prison 15 yrs later, I even achieved some status amongst men of her world..I heard a slew of things from counselors, parole officers, judges, lawyers etc...The money isn't real, the power is liquid ...I mean like American Idol liquid...Not real Idols and definitely not real power there I'm certain..It's all liquid...So maybe false power or religion or what not are just forms of Pacifiers we use then throw out or maybe acquire new ones? The jury's still out on the matter for me..I guess when I think of my Dad having lost his young bride to that brain tumor..having been laid off of his profession a mere few years before retirement ensuing a roller coaster of events including losing his James family home, which to us was an oasis..I picture him nowadays sitting in his condo in Arizona down by the lake on the golf course and I say, "Is that what we get??" Did I struggle from almost nothing to almost something for that? Do I get out of bed for work everyday to go hit the time clock so that I too may end up in the desert 6 hours from my grand kids and sons and daughter?? I picture my dad looking at the TV guide on his flat-screen to see which ballgames coming on next...Last time I was out there to visit him a few months ago, I watched him scroll on his computer we set up so he can get more sports channels..I looked around and my Dad looked older...He sat in his chair and I asked myself could I do what he did for this???I sat back on his couch and watched time slow...I looked as he glanced at the time with no place to go..I fought emotion back as I looked over at my own beautiful wife..I put my head back, closed my eyes and reminisced on our past life..The sacrifices my Dad made for nothing more then the plight of GOOD...So today when I ask myself if I could..my answer is, I would!! I added a little rhyme for the definition of poetry as what it means to me..Poetry is more powerful then pistols, which was almost the 3rd word in the title of this blog but I felt like having a title that's up to date...Life's waiting to breathe again around here..Remember if you Believe you can achieve and be like him..I picture 20 yrs from now, me sitting in my Dad's chair on some golf course watching any game I want thanks to our vast world of technology...I picture my wife working in the garden, so maybe not the desert for us, but it makes me smile anyway...I think it's a great payoff..My Dad may not be where he wanted to be in his golden years but it could be way worse..It could be Victorville for Christ sake..Just kidding..well Kinda.

HARD WIRED!!!

On the radio i heard this talk show host say he's has to work at it to be a good person....As for me well ya i buy it....I have to work some too...It's hard at the good times and that's why i write about it..My sons graduating from high school this June and i can't go!!..My ignorant sporadic past has brought me here....About 3 days or so ago my sons mama brought me down from my cloud and reminded who i am....not what i am but who i was when i progressed.. When i left that life per say??Ya the holidays are a celebration but also time the tongue is loose...it seems if i attend my son's grad night other forces that be may have the upper hand...Talk im sure but it's about my son..it's his day...i can't taint that night...he'd be proud either way but im trying to wIn HIM over still you see??Our paths must be righteous from here on out do you understand??It's hard to sell a righteous plight with a scattered past...Anyways im exhausted..I really am...I just wanted to come here and tell you its burns me inside that my sons cap and gown will be thrown in the air but i will only see it on an email or you tube at best... But hey...you gotta give it your best im told...you know i mean what's the alternative???Letting em know who you are???Well WHO ARE YOU THEN???i LOVE MY SON....WE ARE ALMOST AT THE FINISH LINE T...AND THEN THERE'S ANOTHER RACE....BUT LET'S JUST GET THROUGH THIS ONE OKAY BABY BOY???

YOUR FREE WITH ME!!

You have no idea how many people depend on you for a lifeline.....Many Many people know how lovely you are and therefore want 2 bid for your time...Hence the discomfort you feel when you can't make a date or event every time...Your friends are really your family too and they want your time as much as i do...as much as relatives do2..The people you grace well I'll just say were lucky...I'm the luckiest cuz ur mine...I have a huge chunk of your time and im thankful for that....since almost 20 years ago when i got in line for your time..well i hope u can see how much i could love only you...there's really always been you and i am with u everyday....

He Got Out!!

So a few times a year my son fly's back to his home town and spends time with his other side of the family....Im restless during these transitions...I don't sleep as good when my sons not in the room next to mine...I miss the little thud of bass i so often complain about when he's here but i miss it at these times..Here come the trials..The tests...The parties and the 17 year old adolescent drinking...My son..well i almost said he;s no angel but trust me he's angelic i promise you...his smiles infectious if you saw it your concur...Anyways when my boy goes home it's nerve racking...The other side of his family is caught up in that life still ya know???along with that comes old friendships ..like my sons best friend and recent catcher of a bullet with his name on it...Look like mickey i don't want to get biblical in a place like this but hear my reasons...My son went to his best friends and son of one of my old gangster pals kid 18th birthday last Saturday night ...When i put him on a plane Saturday morning i told him how much i loved him first then said ..here comes the bullshit..I said ...Son...If there's a situation jumping off and your headed there get out of it however you have to...So here i am Weds day a week later...His mom called me and said my son (a high school senior)..Well he called at 2am Sunday morning and said he didn't know exactly where he was cuz he had been in a car with friends but asked them to let him out when he'd had enough..Was he drinking??Yes certainly..he's 17 and fueled by hormones and x-box..just kidding bout the x-box!!Okay then i just wanted to share about how my son got out of the car before continuing to go on down a wrong path..Where d ya think he learned him that folks??I feel like a bad parent when writing about my sons high school night of drinking...But hey he got out of the car and called someone to come get him...Everyday is like Sunday!!

Tired Violence!!

Im not even sure what that title means yet...Tired of it though most certain!!I was a little more LIVID this morning about my belief in all i see but then i write some..When i write things i teach myself some lessons..I just get tired you know??It's October so i guess its my release day!!This month was supposed to be a celebration but instead it's my nightmare....It's my mothers month and every year it takes another piece...She been gone since 86 so you'd think id have armor...I don't man...i am brittle..I always tell myself ever year u wont feel it...but i do...i can't help it ...i cant let go yet... I mean part of me let sum go when i poured out my heart to my best friend on PCH coming back from la bra...but im still shell shocked...Trisena was taken from me in 1986 and October still remains hollow...but it's better now then before i guess..I sat at my desk today thinking and stressn about my stress and my heart was crying.....It's not about you Tommy ray today's her day...It is to...It's my MOMS day every year this time...Recently i heard everything i love will die...I don't believe em though...My mother will never be fully gone....My son knows her well even though he's never met her... my wife and brother know her too al though only my brother remembers her...She was lovely i cant tell you..i am thankful i was given some years with her to carry her spirit..My brother frowns on religion but i play the odds ...lol...Ok so im mostly done here but before i go just let me say this...My mother Trisena....Something good came from my mom...her Sons and daughter n laws and grandchildren are out here really doing it..making a difference...Shhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiitt man my nieces and nephews are close to buddah...my wife's taught Kids to learn without test scores....My sister in law manages a dept and a two year old James kid...You feel me??Yep my mothers family is here tonight....I made it through the day ma and your birthday is the night before we are bewitched....I will be in full costume you already know...Alright then October 30th..kit's a date..I will bring another bottle..I love you mom!!!