HARD WIRED!!!

On the radio i heard this talk show host say he's has to work at it to be a good person....As for me well ya i buy it....I have to work some too...It's hard at the good times and that's why i write about it..My sons graduating from high school this June and i can't go!!..My ignorant sporadic past has brought me here....About 3 days or so ago my sons mama brought me down from my cloud and reminded who i am....not what i am but who i was when i progressed.. When i left that life per say??Ya the holidays are a celebration but also time the tongue is loose...it seems if i attend my son's grad night other forces that be may have the upper hand...Talk im sure but it's about my son..it's his day...i can't taint that night...he'd be proud either way but im trying to wIn HIM over still you see??Our paths must be righteous from here on out do you understand??It's hard to sell a righteous plight with a scattered past...Anyways im exhausted..I really am...I just wanted to come here and tell you its burns me inside that my sons cap and gown will be thrown in the air but i will only see it on an email or you tube at best... But hey...you gotta give it your best im told...you know i mean what's the alternative???Letting em know who you are???Well WHO ARE YOU THEN???i LOVE MY SON....WE ARE ALMOST AT THE FINISH LINE T...AND THEN THERE'S ANOTHER RACE....BUT LET'S JUST GET THROUGH THIS ONE OKAY BABY BOY???

YOUR FREE WITH ME!!

You have no idea how many people depend on you for a lifeline.....Many Many people know how lovely you are and therefore want 2 bid for your time...Hence the discomfort you feel when you can't make a date or event every time...Your friends are really your family too and they want your time as much as i do...as much as relatives do2..The people you grace well I'll just say were lucky...I'm the luckiest cuz ur mine...I have a huge chunk of your time and im thankful for that....since almost 20 years ago when i got in line for your time..well i hope u can see how much i could love only you...there's really always been you and i am with u everyday....

He Got Out!!

So a few times a year my son fly's back to his home town and spends time with his other side of the family....Im restless during these transitions...I don't sleep as good when my sons not in the room next to mine...I miss the little thud of bass i so often complain about when he's here but i miss it at these times..Here come the trials..The tests...The parties and the 17 year old adolescent drinking...My son..well i almost said he;s no angel but trust me he's angelic i promise you...his smiles infectious if you saw it your concur...Anyways when my boy goes home it's nerve racking...The other side of his family is caught up in that life still ya know???along with that comes old friendships ..like my sons best friend and recent catcher of a bullet with his name on it...Look like mickey i don't want to get biblical in a place like this but hear my reasons...My son went to his best friends and son of one of my old gangster pals kid 18th birthday last Saturday night ...When i put him on a plane Saturday morning i told him how much i loved him first then said ..here comes the bullshit..I said ...Son...If there's a situation jumping off and your headed there get out of it however you have to...So here i am Weds day a week later...His mom called me and said my son (a high school senior)..Well he called at 2am Sunday morning and said he didn't know exactly where he was cuz he had been in a car with friends but asked them to let him out when he'd had enough..Was he drinking??Yes certainly..he's 17 and fueled by hormones and x-box..just kidding bout the x-box!!Okay then i just wanted to share about how my son got out of the car before continuing to go on down a wrong path..Where d ya think he learned him that folks??I feel like a bad parent when writing about my sons high school night of drinking...But hey he got out of the car and called someone to come get him...Everyday is like Sunday!!

Tired Violence!!

Im not even sure what that title means yet...Tired of it though most certain!!I was a little more LIVID this morning about my belief in all i see but then i write some..When i write things i teach myself some lessons..I just get tired you know??It's October so i guess its my release day!!This month was supposed to be a celebration but instead it's my nightmare....It's my mothers month and every year it takes another piece...She been gone since 86 so you'd think id have armor...I don't man...i am brittle..I always tell myself ever year u wont feel it...but i do...i can't help it ...i cant let go yet... I mean part of me let sum go when i poured out my heart to my best friend on PCH coming back from la bra...but im still shell shocked...Trisena was taken from me in 1986 and October still remains hollow...but it's better now then before i guess..I sat at my desk today thinking and stressn about my stress and my heart was crying.....It's not about you Tommy ray today's her day...It is to...It's my MOMS day every year this time...Recently i heard everything i love will die...I don't believe em though...My mother will never be fully gone....My son knows her well even though he's never met her... my wife and brother know her too al though only my brother remembers her...She was lovely i cant tell you..i am thankful i was given some years with her to carry her spirit..My brother frowns on religion but i play the odds ...lol...Ok so im mostly done here but before i go just let me say this...My mother Trisena....Something good came from my mom...her Sons and daughter n laws and grandchildren are out here really doing it..making a difference...Shhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiitt man my nieces and nephews are close to buddah...my wife's taught Kids to learn without test scores....My sister in law manages a dept and a two year old James kid...You feel me??Yep my mothers family is here tonight....I made it through the day ma and your birthday is the night before we are bewitched....I will be in full costume you already know...Alright then October 30th..kit's a date..I will bring another bottle..I love you mom!!!

CONNECTIONS!!

I've many times wanted to write a book about sayings that I've heard and elaborate on each to see how it makes us feel?? The things people say or write have many interpretations..Let me ramble off a few of my favorites I've heard one time or another.One time i heard someone say"My time away just made perfection"situations mold us into evolving states and that's something to look forward too i think.Another favorite saying of mine is I often wish that i could save the world ..but im a dreamer"Gods word ain't no hustle". O that's a great one and im not even religious i swear im not!!some of the songwriting I've heard in my life time o forget about it don't even get me started...I promise i will elaborate more but first allow me a little room to ramble...it's just my way...Ok back to a few lyrics then are you for real?Three that come to mind right now are "Everyday is like Sunday" Can you imagine a life where the day before you go back to work is actually more bliss then a Friday to the working class??How about "do you love Mozart?"I do love Mozart and not even my wife knows this about me because it's too emotional to go through...If you get it you get it if not try to get there....I implore you to try...So lastly i guess ill end with a rap verse..."Even the genius asks questions"...I don't partake in too much rap these days but i listen to words so ya i guess i hear it some...Asking questions elevates your knowledge and most of us will never achieve genius in book smarts or mathematical equations but in life we may achieve Machiavellian status...Even if we don't we tried for it...There was a time i couldn't have cared less about trying to save the world but when i came to actually give up some things then i opened myself up to receive so much..
It may have started with the love shown to me by a dog named pepper??I remember back about 8 years ago when i was in the prisons dog program and the first dog i trained (pepper) The day they gave him his training certificate and released him to his owners was a new day for me...They came into my cell block and leashed him up and lead him away...I was a 215 pound muscled up tattooed up prison gang affiliated bad-guy and i cried like a 5 year old who missed the school bus on the first day of school..I remember thinking remember who you are Thomas remember everyone's watching...they act like there not but all eyes are on you...the guards couldn't wait to tell their friends and the inmates stories would be mythical for decades....well maybe not decades but i too seek to be immortalized...For me it started there and "I've come to realize so much...oh I've come so far but got so long to go!!See there's another great saying..I revel in accomplishing understanding even on remedial levels...Some might think it's just plain stupid that a dog could be sent to change a man...Well to them i say maybe Gods word is no hustle?...It's just one theory??No seriously though Words especially when coupled by brilliant partners i believe truly can move mountains...Mountains are nothing more then obstacles ..."my time away just made perfection"When i hear that it makes we feel waves of emotion...Kinda like when i heard Mozart for the first time...Or when i touched A Monet painting in real life...You couldn't understand unless you could.......Maybe you do.. or maybe you will.. It's achievable and i agree that it's better to listen more then talk but that's just me saying so...

GERALDINE

About 98% of what i write or say i have taken from someone else..Some book,Movie,Song ect ect..So anyways i have for about the past year liked this song i had heard sometime back..In this song the guy is talking about basically being there for someone and at the end he calls himself a social worker...Anyhow i just the other day purchased the song and have since been replaying it in my car on my computer ..In my mind the lyrics roll over and over...At the beginning of this song i like the guy states "ill be there when you decide to AVENGE your soul...So lets begin there shall we?? My main goals in life are to repair things and be admirable...Alot of people tell me to just forget the past and move forward...So when i come here to talk i also explain why i do what i do...Yesterday was a Sunday and i mostly was putting together a home theater system and having a few beers and eating manudo "a pastime favorite of mine...its helps the weak stomach" Anyways i was putting together wires and stuff and trying to figure out dmi or hdmi or hd or whatever and just kind of going along easily through my day..My wife was at the coffee shop doing her school work and i was home by myself for the most part.My cousin who shares the same christian name as me was going to stop by in awhile and i was happy cuz i hadn't seen him in about 4 months...So around 4pm i guess my wife came home and i was showing her the new home entertainment setup. I was a good four beers into my day when my cousin showed up and usually when we see each-other we drink most of the alcohol in the county that night..Just kidding but what i mean to say is we go through some beers while we catch up on life stories and work and whatnot.We tend to go back and fourth from the living room to the balcony where my cousin can take a smoke or two and we can talk about the old times and not offend anyone too much...Most of the old days he remembers i was like 15 or 16 and either going to commit a crime coming from committing a crime or thinking about a crime..He still to this day idolizes that nonsense..He always reminds me of stories where i would flash guns around in front of him or maybe take him along for car thefts or in the later years i would show up in Vegas where he lived and we would have suites at the mirage and i would come flashing all the spoils of my criminal lifestyle..He was even there the night before i got the big indictment that sent my ass off to prison for many many years...So anyways we were out there on the balcony yesterday kicking around some stories of the past and he was telling me of a bar fight he;d been in sometime back where my dad was present at the time..Him and my dad were watching the NFL one Sunday and some loudmouth started a fight and my cousin threw some punches and i heard my dad even chased some guy down the parking lot...hahahah That's a funny picture cuz my dad is a super nice guy who probably hasn't had to be tough since his high school days but what are you gonna do my cousin was in a fight so the chaos brushed against my dad for a minute..Well as my cousin told me this story i sipped a swig of my beer and said"Whats wrong with you punching some guy with my dad there?" "Whats the matter with you i asked?" My cousin put out his cigarette and said whats wrong with me?? what would you have done if some guy started a fight in front of your father at a bar and said some disrespectful things to your dad too??Ill tell you what he said..You would have shot the guy...We laughed about it for a few and talked a little more then proceeded to just play x-box drink a few more beers and call it a late night...This is where i am with this...When my cousin first said those words "you would have shot the guy" We both laughed but it was uncomfortable and the alcohol dulls the senses so it mostly slid off me until later..I was driving to work this morning and started to laugh about my cousins story and while i laughed a hot tear ran down my face then another and another then no more...I listened to my new song and when i heard the guy say i will be there when you decide to avenge your soul..Well lets just say i understood many things today....I explained before how the guy in the song calls himself a social worker...That's what i want to be..Your social worker..Not as a profession or anything but more like the ones the word itself remind me of..Maybrit..One of my many step-parents who's profession i recently learned was that of a social worker..That's how i came to her for the short time i was with her ...i believe i was around 5 or 6 when she took me in and tried to adopt me..I hadn't heard form her again until about 25 years later which would be last summer i believe...I found her and she's 86 years young and when i went to the same house i lived in with her to visit i was in awe that i was still there..I had never left..Right there on the walls were my pictures and her photo albums i was there and my belongings were still there..She told me she took me in at that young age because she knew things were happening to a boy that shouldn't happen...I won't go to far into mine and hers past or present relationship..Its something i mostly hold dear to myself and only let a little of that ever be seen..Some other social workers i have encountered are my older brother and my moms brother whom to me is DAD..He took me and my brother in way back when and he taught us what being a man was all about...sure i strayed but i owe a lot of my present life to his upbringing. My wife teaches second grade in the lower income area...These influences aren't just my social workers they are everyone's..I have written about doing righteous things and evolving...This is my direction to social worker status..Its hard for me to hear or remember stories or descriptions of how i used to be..Just a few minutes before writing this i read my brothers comment to a previous blogg i had written and he said he was scared i have secrets that will unwind and be my undoing...Its okay though..No matter my situation he shouldn't worry...after prison and all that gangster shit and The descriptions of a former me ..he shouldn't sweat it because i choose to Avenge my soul...That's social work ..To me it is anyway..The reason i cant detain the tears when hearing about my prior lifestyle is because avenging your soul doesn't happen overnight..Its forever i feel like..I doubt people even would know when they Avenge their own soul..You can pretty much take the word soul when i use it and refer to your heart..or my heart...The soul and heart are one and the same in my mind..I have in the past couple years since being out of prison i have tried to make amends with my heart..It's really hard to make your heart believe you wont damage it again..your soul......See its hard to swallow when your family remembers the you that would shoot someone..Words to you but heart betrayal at its realist for me...How can you stray so far that you are described as something that would kill over no more the some words?? A bar fight? A look???Like my brother my heart awaits the relapse im certain..I just want to be talked about in 80 yrs as a social worker...I have alot of work to do but for me it started with paying back my soul for all I've taken from it...Once i talked about my writings and told someone i want them ..my words i mean to be heard and remembered..You seek immortality i was told...In these writings i try to heal..heal me heal you heal whomever will listen..For now it's some of my social work..When you think you have done to much to go on and to much to go back then you need someone...You need angel on your shoulder..you know someone who will be there to support you as you repair your soul..These types don't have to do what they do but they just do..They come to your side when you want to begin healing..Its hard for me to fathom myself ever being described as a social worker but my heart is here for whoever i can reach..I am surrounded by friends family and co-workers and earlier today i sent an email to a person in my office whom rubs me the wrong way and we don't have a good re-pore at all to say the least..Anyway i emailed this person to come out to my dept and come by my desk for a few minutes if they had time..About fifteen minutes later i swung my chair around and heard my co-workers voice ask me what was up??? I almost started crying..When you avenge your soul it takes a tole and it's humbling for a former supposed to be tuffguy..So i swung my chair around and started to talk but mostly i rambled before pulling myself together...I then just said hey the other day i was busy as hell and out of the corner of my eye i saw you struggling with your own workload and i was really stressed with my own stuff but i want you to know i wish i would have helped you because im not that person..Im not the person that sees someone who needs help and because i don't see eye to eye with them i decide not to help..No i don't want you to think of me that way//Its been over a week since that happened but i wanted you to know everyday since it bothered me that i didn't help..It bothered me that you probably think im an asshole cuz i was acting like one...I don't want situations to affect me so much that others would describe me as less then all heart...This person said don't sweat it and smiled and i Avenged a small piece....Small pieces are okay for now i just Want to be described someday as the opposite of my prior way of living thinking and acting...My heart is that of a social workers..I believe i have a soul like Geraldine!!

ABEL AND KANE!!! part 2

I wasn't trying to say my life has turned out any better then mj's...Actually he's probably in a better place financially then i am per say..I only make under 20 bucks hourly but that's irrelevant.My point is in part one i stated that i hope my brother finds comfort..And i meant that!!I said a lot about taking it off him too!! Some might say i spoke and speak of the burden..Burdens are heavy but for me i just wasn't trying to wonder where my mom and dad had been...We used to visit my mother Tresina in an assortment of correctional facilities and i had to carry the torch for a time!!I don't come to you with explanations or pleas for acceptance or forgiveness..Im forgiven i promise you!!Im not forgiven by your golden calves but my guilt is eased by my wife's smile and my son's heart too!!You really have something when you can see into your own sons hearty and it's real to you both!!My son has forgiven me with respect and i remember when i only had a distorted definition of respect!!My son respects me for the same reason my wife does..Because they are both secure with their risk!!My number one talent in life if you ask me is my people skills...i believe you can read me..Im very readable..My wife knew my heart was pure when she was 13 years old. and some years later my son explained the politics of love to me again..He said" dad just cuz you buy me stuff and give me money doesn't mean you love me"...WOW I REMEMBER IT LIKE HE JUST RIGHT NOW SAID IT... Just don't leave us again and don't go back!!..I never left again!! Never left him...His rooms tight next to ours!!I was just earlier talking to my wife about the next year or two when he goes to college or becomes a male nurse or a computer tech?? The possibilities are endless..hahah i love that line..So ya Anyways Abel AND KANE huh? I was never trying to be better then anybody and i never was...MJ or anybody ...I just went my own way and walked a different path for a time!!Believe me i know my ties and offerings by heart..I know what i owe mj..I know what i owe my son and my wife too...I owe no doubt...I repay with pieces of my heart and i feel tired from it all but it's good to be here and penance is eternal...The prices we pay for taking the same journeys as our parents sometimes play-out for hundreds of years i am certain....I use clips of sayings that i hear to give my words a pulse....What i mean to say is you get your love back and maybe your children respect and you write and live and love and drink wine ..but there's always the end of the day...The time to sleep...This is the time for reaping....you always pay wages when you can't control your mind...your thoughts...That's all i was saying..that's what i meant to convey about MJ..I took it off him way back then because it was more for me...I think maybe i can detain it and it can die with me...right here...I hold a responsibility to let it live or die..For some people they don't carry on their parents ambitions for one reason or another...I read a blog from mj sometime ago where he revealed flashbacks of low-riding with my mom and her boyfriend way back in 73..I remember he wrote like a possessed soul and the whole story was a roller coaster of thrills because i remediable the times..I remember the smiles and the consequences.... Mj described it as a time of feeling high...feeling the effects of the marijuana smoke being passed back and fourth in my moms boyfriends impala!! Ya so i guess the reason i took the weight is so that mj didn't have to Reap the Harvest..That's something else...If you look deeply in my eyes you might see the layers...The night comes and the nightmares show up with no forgiveness!!THE WAGES OF SIN THE WAGES OF SIN!!You can't stay numb every night so on the nights when you feel good and confident and lay your head to rest with no pacifier they come!!!I sometimes wonder if it will always be this way? Will i sleep with my own conscience?Im not sure? It's worth it you know??It's worth it because i know mj can sleep....He protected me and i was uncivilized about the situations...but hey MJ can sleep..And sometimes i dream good dreams..oceans n stuff!!.to be continued...Im tired!!