KISS THE CAPO GOODBYE!!

Dear sister got me twisted up in prison i miss ya...crying looking at my nieces n my nephews pictures.......I once wrote those words to my sister CJ...WOW It seems like quite some time ago but it was only 6 years ago...At the present that same niece and nephew are part of my life and i have spent the last three Christmases with them..I have since watched my niece in 3 plays...one of them was CATS..I Have fished the shores of swamis with my nephew and i don't think he understood the importance but one day he will!!When i wrote letters to my family back then it was more for me than them but Healing comes in stages!!!Writing is my private nourishment but it's funny how i let you view it???Is it??For me it's too personal not to share..Only someone with real lusts for writing can even begin to understand my madness..Lol Isn't that what the new gen says?? lol (lots of laughs)?? or (lots of love)???...??? LMAO..Laughing my ass off)...??? Writing will be the next to suffer...The newspapers are crushed daily by the net and music is a digital disaster...lol..NOT.. Not funny i mean...Its hard to laugh while watching breeds die...Generations...Oh well take a sip and see tomorrow!!

Writing!!

At some point i wanted to explain my writing from my perspective..I am not trying to impress anyone with my blog,I am not using words to show you how smart i think i am..Its actually quite the opposite.If you have read some of my previous blogs you have seen misspellings bad punctuation ...basically a blog a 3rd grader could have composed? Oh the question mark meant i wasn't sure composed or comprised belonged there?? Oh well At first i never used spell check however i have since changed that due to not wanting my word to be unreadable..Ok so when i read other peoples blogs{I read a few others}I tend to stop reading within a paragraph because most of the time i think a lot of writers spend 90 percent making everything look so neat and worded right ect,ect that i am to bored to read on..The evolution of writing is going to be my favorite thing since Star Wars!!I can sit here and give you pros and cons about both types of writing however im just going to ramble a little raw writing slash blogging for the next 30 minutes or so and if your here to read then you already get it!!Ok so last night i was going to a show with my 16 almost 17 yr old son!! My sons time is split between his mother in another state and myself.Id say he lives here 9 months a year and the rest he flies to the cold weather to have time with his mother and her family.So when the time draws near for him to get ready for departure and fly to the cold weather state for a few months I always try to have an Event scheduled before he leaves..I was off on a Friday but that's a whole different story.I wont bore you don't worry..So i was off and had the concert at 7 to look forward to. The usual rituals were ran through as in any preparation for Big Events..Getting clothes ready plans together grooming i even sprayed my newest cologne on for the night!Some of my pre- Event rituals are private however not to far from some of my readers i assume? Slamming a beer..Shots ect ect..Maybe a smoke or two? routine stuff we do as regular people..Ok so we got all cleaned up and proceeded to head downtown to the House of Blues for the Event!!If you have seen or know my son personally then the way to describe his style is Preppy hip hop i would call it?? He's Into a form of rap music but it's nothing most of us have seen on mtv or anything ridiculous i mean it's mostly underground small label music..I like some of it but mostly tolerate it in small amounts..My musical taste is everything from the Smiths to Bob Dylan to Kings of Leon to Ottis Redding to Tupac...I love music and my son does too..He relates to the urban neighborhood struggle type of rap for the time being but that will evolve soon!!Ok so back to The house of Blues show!! We were headed to see a few artists mostly DJ'S and i heard a San Fransisco bay are rapper might show up since he was doing a show later at 4th and B. We were driving through downtown and my wife dropped us off front and center and we proceeded to have a night of fun!!The line was long..We walked along side the line and as we walked our excitement dwindled..I looked at my son and saw his disappointment all over his face!! We walked more and looked at the crowd forming and it was the first time i have felt so uncomfortable at what was supposed to be a party atmosphere..I think that's actually the problem though,It was about the party not the music.We stood in the line which by now had tripled and the fans i guess you'd call them walked and talked all around us!! their were 5 or 6 teenage girls inline behind us and they were all talking out load about where's the best place to hide their xtacy.There was a heavy presence of pierced faces and glow sticks and all that jazz and i couldn't care less about any of it i am not bothered by appearances i was just in awe of all the xtacy and drug talk and exchange all around us..My son at one point said to me"i hate all this xtacy and these fools all lost on that shit"..I said watch your mouth but yes i agree!! Their was a heavy presence of security who reprimanded a lot of these kids and told them several times various things would not be let inside..Candy necklaces ..bottled water blunts ect.. This girl a few years younger then my son was complaining her acid was melting in her hiding spot and she was worried the security would find it again..Again??drugs and stuff have been around forever but 3 out of 5 of these girls had braces still..I thought maybe i was just getting to old for this but then checked myself cuz we are never to old for shows and music..I myself plan to see shows when im one foot in the grave no maybees..It makes you feel old but then what was i to say when even a 16 yr old kid is uncomfortable??When i was in my early twenties some of the shows i saw were later 80's groups or 90's whatever..I remember being at NWA in San berdu once and their was some fights and i heard one person even got shot in the parking lot...Troublesome i tells ya!! Some of those gangster rap concerts i evaded because of the violence ya know??Nowadays when my wife and i go see shows like street scene or the fray or coldwar kids or silversun or MIA recently..We have great fun and the crowds are usually awesome... I see drinking and some Marijuana smoke here and there but Last night the whole crowd was so high on xtacy the show was really in the line...We never made it in the doors last night to see the show it was sold out by the time we got up there but we'd already seen enough..Enough glow sticks ,candy necklaces enough 14 yr old dropping x right out where everyone could see how cool they are!! When it was our time people took some drugs to feel the effects right? Now i see all these kids on display doing whats popular just for the cool kids to see them..Who are the cool kids now?? When we were younger the cool kids might of smoked and drank and even partake in recreational drug use but then they went on to work careers or go to school or get in trouble get out and move on or things of that way...Now we have these cool kids that do the damage at a young age and most of this damage is irreversible??I looked behind me before we left and saw 3 girls still standing there all three had very high tech cell-phones and colored braces and trendy handbags...I kept thinking This is the Generation that is going to fix us??The future decision makers? These kids came from money you could see it!!They will be future employees all around us? I read a blog from my bro earlier where he stated his wife is worried about classrooms having 30 kids next year and his daughter falling through the cracks..He wasn't worried though cuz he's taken the responsibility to ensure enough at home teaching for any worry to take place..My wife is an inner city elementary school teacher whom will have 30 kids in her class next year..She explained to me how in her same school district the nicer area school has a music program computer lab ect ect ..These things don't exist in inner city low income area elementary schools anymore.You didn't know? Well why would you??Libraries?? No library at her school..However there is one thing that is the Same...The expectancy of high test scores has the same expectations at her school as the one down the road with the nice computers and stuff//Those kids have laptops desktops i-phones and are the future masters of the universe..The parents at the schools in the same district give money to a pot to fund those programs but don't want it distributed equally among the whole district in fear of money going to the lower income area schools!!Most of my wife's kids in her second grade class are Spanish speakers..They can barely spell their own name..She is expected to keep them at pace with the schools down the road who are all taught well at home and have tools to assist when the reality in her schools neighborhood is free lunch cards and a money pot for programs is laughable..The parents cant even afford backpacks..I guess i have a few points here.. My first is don't not worry about the 30 plus class size ..It affect you...Like the x-tacy crowd we witnessed being our future leaders well so are these inner city low income schools..Well alot of parents don't want to support these innercity schools or the schools teachers in hopes it won't affect them but it does..These low income kids some of them will move on go to college and will be appearing in a neighborhood close to you so Stay tuned!!Just like some parents don't want to deal with these lower income kids well some of us parent don't want to fathom those kids with their colored braces glow sicks and xtacy running our state or world God forbid..I hear a lot of people stating how they do this and that and they have all kinds of stuff to say but what are they saying?? who's listening?? If i sound uptight in my writings it's cuz i am!! I don't know who these kids are and who we are as parents??we want the best for our kids education ect??What i see is people want their nest to be safe and comfortable so we can sit here at our computers and blog about BS ,We want to make our self worth look more important then it is..We cry about teachers getting the shaft but but do nothing when certain schools are in crisis..We come here or there and write our opinions!! We hope someone will read our pleas..Or do we? Do we just come here and lay out a beautiful looking well scripted blog and pour out our hearts then go off to golf 18 holes or get a massage//The ladder actually sounds good..My lower backs killing me from sitting here writing this poetry!!I know my blog might bug you and piss a few people off..it's ok you know ho pissed off my wife will be next year when her classroom jumps to thirty second graders??Don't trip she wont be as pissed as you or i would be..Or will she??

Wages !!

It's hard for me to grasp the things that transpire around me...I have been around bad men and criminals a big part of my life...I broke bread with everyone form drug traffickers to killers...My time spent in correctional facilities put me in the presence of evil ...however i have never been this close to a Monster... Last weekend my wife spent with search parties searching for Chelsea...In fact last Saturday morning i sat here on amazon ordering a stun-gun for my wife...We live in suburbia and these things aren't supposed to happen here...These things aren't supposed to happen anywhere!! These little boxes are mostly a wave of starter families and first time home buyers...Our little boxes are surrounded by golf courses and tennis courts..My wife often walks laps at the little park outside our balcony and now she has to carry a stun gun???When they made an announcement last Sunday that they arrested This Monster who was suspected in taking one of our children from us i had a terrible feeling... I stood in silence as i watched the news say this so called mans prior record and i turned to my wife and tried to talk through my tears and stated.."i have a bad feeling".. A day or two went by and I was standing in my office.. I swallowed and typed in Chelsea latest news San Diego...The rest was a blur...A body had been found at 2:30 pm right where my wife's search party had been for 3 days.....The local sheriff made his statement and i looked at my co-worker and he said "i am going home to my wife and kids bro i can't be here right now"...I said i know and text-ed my wife...she text-ed back and said she'd already heard...The next 5 or six hours didn't seem real...Like my wife said when she'd returned from the search party Saturday!!"this seems like a movie...but it's not..Its real and its here where we live...A gathering was supposed to happen down on palmerado road that night to raise spirits and talk about the continuing search..Now it was to be a vigil the first of many goodbyes...My wife and i walked down to where thousands of people stood with candles...It was completely silent and cars drove by and looked at us with silent expressions and we mostly cried a lot....We walked and thought about how this surreal scene was real!!Ok so i painted a picture of what happened last week right down the street from our house.. and the sight where Chelsea parked her car before this monster took her..well the rec center just a week before me and my son went to break dancing practice with some friends only days before...So i sat here to write today but i wasn't trying to write a sad paragraph and sign off...I actually wanted to say how if this monster would have done this to my wife or my sister or niece...i'd kill him...or i would call on old prison ties to deal with him in prison but in reality here i'd be just like Chelsea s parents..sitting in silence wondering when i would awake from this nightmare and move on...You see i have been in many prisons for many years and the laws our forefathers created don't work the way they intended...Our laws protect monsters.. These so called men dropout of society and choose ulterior judgment but the law won't allow them to be judged by the world they choose..No instead these monsters get protective custody and you flip the bill for their next 40 yrs while they watch cable protected our laws!!I don't understand? help me get this..When i was incarcerated i chose to join a click and when in violation of set rules i was dealt with by the world i chose...See where im going with this guys n gals??Anyways i didn't write today to sit here and cry more and make you sad too...I am just writing for Chelsea and letting her know this isn't going to be accepted!! We are not trying to stand here and let these monsters take our daughters and children and do these things...My wife says Chelsea will be the start of change!!! Im sickened she had to be taken for people to listen!!! I sit here feeling better then a few days ago where all i felt is stunned...If you read my blog before you know im no angel...I have rolled with gangsters 90 percent of my life and have seen much evil...I have since evolved and try to be someone my son can respect for the right reasons now.. and it's not easy as it may seem...when someone respects you for different reasons its hard to make them change their views just because you have...I guess most would say i have made a positive change because of my wife's influence? Well its mostly true however mostly i separated paths because i couldn't promote negativity anymore..I have no excuses anymore..I have read many books and lived long enough to say im educated to a point..As i evolve i hate what i represented even the more..It's not that this tragedy happened here in pleasant ville The point is this cant happen anymore..we can't continue to not evolve in our laws as well as our hearts...With evolving comes change...Its time we change these laws!!! Chelsea we SEE you...the whole world sees you now..It's time for CHANGE!!

SHELTERING THOMAS

As a parent we try and protect our children right? We learn it from our parents.our friends parents, or maybe we just see it on television?? When my son was first born i surrounded my house with childproof everything!!! I installed a car seat i did it all!!But that's not what this is about...My son is 16 now and next year hes a senior..That's when it hit me...My wife and i were talking the other night about my son graduating high school and i went back in my head across the years of his life...I was considering sending my son to a regular high school for his senior year!!My teen years and young adult hood were scattered with violence gang-banging and prison...One day when i had been in prison about 5 years already some guy i was talking to on the yard saw a picture on my wall and said he knew that kid...That kid i said is my son Tommy Jr!! The guy who said he knew my son from the street said he was Pauls brother..a fellow gang member and soldier in the same prison click as myself! Over the next hour or so the guy told me street stories and said how at many of these events my son was in the vicinity..more of an observer my son was as he at the time was around 11 yrs old!!The guy said my son was a good kid and looked forward to having my son be part of the hood..The team..The click!! I felt sick!!Over the next few hours i shot out letters to everyone in my gang n made threats along with promises all in hopes of deterring anyone from putting my lil Tommy on the hood..aka jumping him into the same bullshit that was killing my life as well as 100's of lives inside the very walls that contained my violence!!I had horrible visions of my son sitting where i was at that time in life...sitting there in silence...waiting for a war to spark...for a visit...for a letter....for some drugs to flood the cell blocks...Over the next few weeks i received letters saying a blanket was placed on my sons well being and he wouldn't be jumped in unless i either gave permission or died!! at that point the buzzards would circle!! I used to get visits regularly from my son while i journeyed down my plight!! I would tell my son one thing and he would watch me do another... I remember when the judge handed down 12 yrs and 6 years consecutive the first face i turned to was my sons..he was all of 5 or 6 at the time and i remember smiling when he threw up the neighborhood with his fingers as they drug me back to my cell!!So here we are..My son like i said before is 16..i have since given up the gang life and all that it entails..My son will graduate next year with a class of 2010 students hes never seen..never been in a classroom with...never met before..My son has many friends..One is actually real...I don;t approve of his one friend but what am i to do??protect him from his one real friend too?? ya see my son goes to school online ..his social network is all online..he is shy and has almost no sun on his face unless i can drag him out fishing or some family event!! he grew up on x-box live and virtual networks on the web!!At times i am so fucking glad hes not a gang member or a drug addict...I look at his gentle demeanor and it settles my heart that he's a good boy..He has almost no life and no girlfriends and no vitamin d in his life!!I have done everything in my life to protect him from the Ugly things Ive witnessed in the lifestyle i lived for way too long!!My family members have many opinions on my sons well being and the consensus is the concern for his social behavior or lack there of may be detrimental...I thought i was protecting him from becoming me..I don't know how his life will go? I always thought i was being a father..a protective father.....When i stare into my sons eyes i feel guilt.. i see stress and i feel awful...other times i see his good heart and i feel really good!!Well his life is almost his own now..I mean he's a year away from adulthood!!! I hope one day he knows i tried to save him!!!!

TAPAS

Yes sir!! this here is an appetizer.Its like a preview..I've thought about the whole wedding thing and i am going to go through the events one by one..Trust me it will not bore you..Ill run you through the beers that were passed around in my hotel room across the street of where me n my bride met 17 yrs prior..Ill tell you about when i pulled up for 3 days at the beach wedding of ours i hit the parking lot and my dads Mercedes was parked in the lot and when i looked inside to see if this was his car i gazed at cases upon cases of foreign beers..All for the big day!!I had no idea my dad would be there at the hotel all weekend and our wedding would be above the hotel in a beautiful garden overlooking the ocean!! Ill tell of the adjoining shanty below however still connected to the hotel that i sat in with my dad all day into the night before...Tequila shots n Guinness on tap..Yes the day before i got married me n my dad drank n talked n praised each others journeys...Ill never forget it and the next day i married the best girl God created so you know the stories gonna be good!!! Ill be back!!!I shall finish the game!!That was a reference to one of my favorite recitals by Emilios rendition of Billie the kid telling a hypothetical story....# Guys are sitting aroun playing poker and a man runs into the room and says the worlds on fire its all going to burn and explode in just a few short hours...The first cowboy stand and says"I gotta get home n say by to my children!! The next cowboys stands and says "I gotta get to the saloon n get stinky liquored up buy 3 whores and have a hella of a time..They both look at the third cowboy still sitting and ask"what are you gonna do Billie???Well sir billy states.I shall finish the GAME!!!.....I SHALL FINISH THE GAME!!!

AMERICAN ME!!!!

When i was little i used to stand behind my big brother and hide myself from the bad guys!!!I'm not sure where or what part of the city of angels we lived in at the time..You really cant call it where we lived because mostly what i remember is different motels around the downtown area..Ive heard stories of living in Baldwin park echo park or wherever..I don't remember!!I mostly remember hiding behind mj so my moms boyfriends couldn't hurt me...I remember being scared when they my mom and her boyfriend left to go find heroin id be worried she wouldn't come back but her boyfriends would!!MJ was older then me and therefore he already had friends around the hoods of east los.. Or wherever..I would mostly watch his little friends and him playing around..trying to act tough...following the Chicano patterns set forth by our surroundings...This was our path...Mj hopped off the path early in life..I however kept it close.I remember our mom dressing us like cholos and when we would visit my uncle they'd shake their heads at our attire...One day some years later after a lengthy prison term my mom walked out of prison released on parole and i looked at her attire..khakis pendelton even a bandanna..I remember MJ being embarrassed for her but i thought she looked cool..I wanted to be like her...I wanted to be like her loser boyfriends with their two buttons buttoned and their bandanna pulled low to hide their bloodshot eyes!!I even wanted to go to prison and see what it was all about.. so anyway here i am 20 yrs later ..Moms been deceased form a overdose, ive spent chunks of my life in prisons ..my body is a canvas of prison tattoos...Mj is good he's a manager for a company somewhere in the city of angels..As for how my life turned out..Its really good..Ive been out of prison 3 yrs now.. i live in a quiet neighborhood with my beautiful new bride...I have a son who's a gentle soul..im a shipping manager at a small company...I finally hopped of the path MJ hopped off way earlier then me..I guess i had to know...to see it and live it for myself...It was part of my family part of who i am...I'M here today and I'M happy..Im not a bad guy or a tuff guy or a Chicano..I'm an American!!!

I LIVE NOWHERE EVEN CLOSE TO SNOOPDOGG!!

The other day i read an article titled DO YOU LIVE CLOSE TO SNOOP DOGG?? In fact it was more like a month ago. Anyway i read this article that was published in the SAN DIEGO READER.... After i read this article i was mad!! i paced my balcony and said to myself who the fuck does this guy think he is??? IL give a brief rundown of this guys article ... He told stories of being a now 30 something security guard in downtown San Diego and he'd recently escaped to Florida for a week or two of vacation..he stated that on the plane as soon as someone found out he was from California they asked questions like..Do you live near the beach?? do you have palm trees in your yard?? Do you live near snoop dogg?? He then proceeded to tell tales of his former affiliation with the piru bloods ..a street gang in east San Diego.. he ranted and at times glorified the old ways..the gang banging that i sensed hed watched a lot more then he'd participated in himself..these guys always talk more then they actually get involved hands on...i know the type..you usually have to take the gun from these guys hand and do the dirt yourself..then later at the roundup you here their voice the loudest telling tales of grandeur..Anyway this guy was saying that he was upset that tourists only saw the palm trees and the beaches and they never smelled the piss or liquor he smells being a downtown security officer everyday!! He continued his stories of how he was present during a murder shooting incident on which he later took the stand and held his mudd..aka he didn't snitch anyone out...he then traveled through adventures of the hoods of the big bad east side!!At one point he stated a few weeks prior to writing this article his old friend still affiliated with the bloods picked him up at his parents house one Saturday afternoon and as they left the drive way the charger they were in did two donuts and the threw up bloods and say whats up blood???hmmmmmm if id of done this while my parents are in their 50's im not sure id ever be welcome back to visit?? but lets give him the benefit of not calling him a straight up liar...or a enhancement writer...Do i believe him?? well it dosen't matter what i believe..This article was published in a popular magazine slash paper and hundreds of people read this and digested it and its over..its out there..Okay so whats my point? is there a point?? if you have read my blog you know there's a point..so here i am..hahah just kidding..but here's my point...This guy went on to say how disgusted people only saw the good parts of San Diego and were indifferent to its ghettos and unaware of the crime rate and the gang presence and the struggles of the poverty stricken badlands....and the east side he's so proud of that he never moved away from..In truth this mediocre writing if you can even call it that is really in truth a poison..yes a virus...it infects people it breeds more ignorance.. I have been all up in the mix of all that bullshit he was quick to glorify...the difference is when i tell tales of this past i once too glorified and gave so much praise to..well i try to motivate the reader to see past this bullshit and evolve!!! your city smells like piss???bring some Lysol..you see gangs everywhere ??MOVE!! you tired of poverty homeless people and unawareness??? get a new job,life,patterns...I for myself moved from the area that i gave so much to it took 10 yrs of my life and did even more damage to my son!! I don't associate with my former friends and homeboys and you'll never hear me say whats up cuzz to anyone!!! no donuts in front of my parents house and no trials of which i will be a ghetto superstar for not snitching!!! I've moved on not only from the area i supported but also in my self evolving..I've let myself go down a new path!!! And just in case your wondering...I LIVE NOWHERE EVEN CLOSE TO SNOOPDOGG!!!