NOT WHAT IT SEEMS!!!

The barbershop has always been one of my favorite places to visit..although its been quite less as iv'e aged!!i used to go once a week on fridays and carried this tradition on for many many years!!!Anyhow i drift when i blog....so if i appear sparatic in my stories or writings as many call blogging..i however prefer to just say im talking..or telling stories of the past..depends on my frame of thoughts at the time!!so anyways when i write here i scattered....i jump from stories of my prision years to the present day..i at times fill my stories with a hatred directed at the person and life i embraced!!!or at times i may seem cocky and as if i glorify the past??those are just demons i fight is all!!!its easy for me to root for the badguys sometimes because ive seen the actions of the so called goodguys in living type situations..definition..the years of living in the system..getting to know figures of authority...building almost friendships with guards opposing lawyers and even some of the very officers that put me where i was ..however as i lived i realized it was me who put me there!!!i met decent men and evil men...its just very distorted when the goodguys are worse then the badguys and youv'e witnessed some things up close!!so yes at times my writing jumps from not wanting to talk more about prison stories to telling more in blogs of that world!!so mornings like this i feel more of a story mode in writing so i want to share a brief story...its actually things i lived and i remember them well so hopefully if you read this you'l be amused..hahaha i kid i kid..but seriously i started this blog talking about the barber shop and how the weekly ritual is something i enjoyed....So okay then it was a friday..its always Fridays when the barbershop is one appointment you don't miss for anything..i used to plan my day around it..see the weekends starting its nice to start it with something new like a haircut..and shave if you go that route??i personaly love the whole hot towel thing..its missed these days..not just by me but i think lots of the old ways are missed..i still know where they exist but thats a different time n life for me...so anyway it was friday and i had to manuver the day perfect..but my priority was hittn the barbershop before 4 and i'l get into that later..so i went to see if my clothes were done being laundered and starched n pressed??i had close friend who seperated my laundry from other public wash cycles cuz he put my stuff in a special soap that was very easy and non irritating on my skin...so i checked with him at 7am and he said my laundred clothes would be delivered at 11am..i love deleveries..il tell ya why later..so next i thanked my friend and went to see how my finances looked for the week..i used to count everything or pay to have it done..and id monitor it peridically as id be in between friday rituals...next id go see if i could get someone actually pay someone to sign my name on the roll call in the class i was enrolled in on fridays..that way id get credit still n could make my friday more of a stress free day then gettn all worked up over things that fridays can present..so i'd next make sure id stuck my head in the barbershop to see if my barber was there and hadnt called in sick or anything dramatic that day....id say hey ronald il be in around 3 is that cool doggie???he'd sometimes be in a goodmood or sometimes he'd wanna negotiate...id end the negotiations quick by letting him know i was gonna tip him above n beyond whatever bullshit customer he was placing in his friday debacle...i alwayz knew he was just hurting for cash but i liked him and even did a few other things with him outside the workplace..we made a few bucks together but il tell ya more about that later..so this day he was in a good mood n said ya i'l see ya at 3..i gotta light day so far so tell ur cousin and a few of your boyz i can fit em in if they need a trim?? i said cool id bring some of my troops to get cuts cuz it makes the shop more fun when you dont have to worry abt sensoring your conversations...wed often fill the whole shop by 12 noon and everyone else was turned away!!so we parted with pleasantries n i was off.....i went by jasons and said hey i got you in the shop with me before 3..you down??he always counted on this so he'd be like ya you know the deal il see ya before then a few times right??he too took or had his weekly laundry done at the same place..well we all did but only jason used my friend to use the soft laundry soap on his stuff because its a little pricier but i figured its worht it just on knowing your laundries seperate from everyone elses right???makes sense dont it??hhaah just seeing if you paying attention cuz this is gonna get good..real good...so next id shake hands with jason and stop next at a few spots where i had some financial interests and we'd discuss money profits and need and demand...at that time demand was at a high because a new building opened and money was to be made before the boring routines and militant patterns formed...well then..id conversate with guys i was in buisness with and sometimes id let one or two know theres empty seats at the barbershop n i could get em in!!!then id say bye and try to make it to the place where i got fresh vegatables for fridays dinner and u'd think we'd go out being friday but i never did ...but il tell ya why later...so id get an assortment of tomatoes onions bellpeppers and a few other things depending on deleviries...id have someone deliver them to my house later and id be happy all was going accordingly on my weekend start..so next id make a few calls and see if i could either workout before lunch or was there buisness to attend??friday lunches were more of meeting then eatings cuz you wanna save your appetite for the friday nite dinner..trust me you do!!so this day i slid thru lunch and sat with a few of my friends and buisness associates and id nibble on a sandwich but mostly be looking at my watch beacause after friday lunch while a chunk of the rat race world would go back to work or even in my world guys would go back to work or school id be thinking of making that barbershop appointment with no outside interference....it was high on my priority list...i think you know???haha okay so next id say later to the fellas and basically make a quick route some might call a b-line for the barbershop!!!id anticipate the whole event...as id approach the huge window with the barbershop stencil id at times feel queezy in my stomach and id crane my neck over the stencil and see the scene!!! yep..jason was there mike was there paul would be sittn across the chairs already telling stories and everyones laughing..the line outside is already going around the corner..and in it i see alotta friendly faces too...no waiting for me though so i walk in n say wat up peoples?? and everyone either says wat up or says a funny putdown as we all slap hands or hug depending on whos who...i always hugged jason to let everyone know we r dear friends and in this im also saying to them ..hes like family and if you have ill intentions towards this man i wont tread lightly....ya see alotta old ways are practiced here from the hot towels i descibed to the shady deals that go on either in the back behind the curtain or right out in frony cuz everyone knows everyone 99 percent of the time here..these barbers are trusted and probably have heard stories worthy of detremental outcomes for those divulging their buisness here..but its a family thing mostly so like i said its an event..so id wait for ronald to brush up his chair wipe of his clippers n and ask what number guard i wanted this week>>are you gettn a shave too??he'd ask???you already know id say!!!id sit back n get my hair trimmed up and listen to stories for the next hour and id imput my own affiliations to some stories and others id just listen too...some of my friends would already have a bottle of alchohol under the barberchair??? 1in the afternoon n their already sippin sum act right..i called it act right cuz some tempers are dampened by alcohol while others are fueled by it!!!either way have a sip of act right is what id say if thats how they got by?? so anyhow id listen laugh tell stories maybe take a hit of a joint someone passed and id listen to the music vibrate...thats the thing every barbershop has a 63 year old owner who has the same am fm piece of shit radio with either a hanger or tinfoil wrapped around the broken antenna for better reception...>but on fridays reception seemed better then most days...to me anyway!!!so next id see what everyone was doing later that night??whos place was everyone going to??reds? our spot? where?? then id check my haircut out n say ron was the man.. id hand him his payment with a little extra if i really liked the haircut and he'd usually say he needed to come by my place later n id say you know your welcome see ya then and id walk.....id move past chairs and look at my friends haicuts and id make jokes about how fucked up their haircut looks and id say stuff about how the ricky martin look was really working or watever putdown i could muster..then id whisper something to jason.shake his hand and begin my departure knowing the outside line awaited..id look back to the barbers and say bye and ask if everyone was good and id depart....as i opened the door id have a couple guys already motioning me and id either say i was busy or id approach...the conversation ranged from them wanting to borrow money or to complain about someone or to just bullshit...id always hope it wasnt drama..i hated when drama messed with my friday release...so i said later to the guys in line and went to check on the plans for the night...everything was lovely after the haircut..i felt new after a haircut...i felt as if my friday routine was just that..ROUTINE...there was times in my life i prayed for routine because drama could mean you wouldnt be seeing tommorow..the thing is this!!! friday barbershop rituals were beacause at 5pm on fridays are visiting days times for family friends and loved ones to see you..for you to see them...i always wanted to walk out to visits looking new..sometimes itd be a visit from my dad who flew out to see me and made it a mini vacation by staying a few days in town and adding to the friday ritual excitement...so yes as i wrote this i wondered if my brother would put two n two together early and realize the barbershop was a prison barbershop!!jason is a dear friend we call snoopy and the vegatable run and laundered clothes were prison kitchen hustles and prison laundry faciliteis..i was an inmate at a new facility which im sure now is 90 percent more militant and regulated facility then it was..but we were the first..we molded the place..we molded guards and visiting and basically it was our playground..i wasnt who i am now and thats why i had suck a cushioned lifestyle in there...everyone i chose to interact with on a personal level was because we we running the place and everyone was in line and for the time i loved it there...i had homies who would protect me and knew id return the favor...my barber would sell large quantaties of tabacco for me and my crew and those were some of the whispers i detailed earlier in the writing..the rest well..use your imagination..it takes alotta of energy and wits not to mention heart to live above poverty outside can you imagine trying it inside???that was the goal...to grab whatever you could of the outside world and bring pieces of it inside..it made you feel more real..like u had some extra freedoms even if they sound microscopic to you..beleive me when you cant see over that wall sometimes a deep drag of a smuggled cigarette somehow takes you over the wall temporarily...i dont try to glorify these past paths i walked down but thats because i moved on and dont i live that way or taint my life with any aspect of my past years...i have got some feedback that people wanna know about it so i'l tell about it!!!!it could be months before im in a place to write about the years i was gone but i'l more then likely tell again another day...today however im good....im not only working for a stable company but iv'e just accepted a new job that is a place iv'e worked hard to be in...theres pros and cons...but there always is...frankly im just happy to have a job..n blessed to be moving on to something better..don't think in saying that i mean blessed in a religious way...if you have a GOD it might not be someone elses GOD so i choose not to go there..i believe family n friends bless you as much as our gods do...anyway i hadnt talked here in a while and stress can sometimes distort opinions of writings so i blog more when times are successful...or at least lately i guess...well im gonna go but im glad mjs working and my weddings in July....I WILL SEE SOME OF YOU AT MY BACHELOR PARTY RIGHT GUYS???HAHAHHA LET ME KNOW IF THIS BLOG SUCKED MUCH?? i just say what i say!!!PEACE

THE AFTERMATH

I wrote a blog a few days or weeks ago then i told my brother it takes alot out of me to converse these feelings,these thoughts these memories...when i write i at times stop and delete it because i dont want the stories replaying in my head for hours or even days at times..when i read something good i remember it forever..like when i read about the main character in cacher in the rye sat in a museum exhausted after a journey through emotions finally fatigued by his life!! or when che walked his motorcycle when it wouldnt run because of one problem or the other?? or the little brother in aztec when he saw his sister in a display window for circus freaks!!! well hell i even remember when bathsheebas husband had to much love for his wife so he took his drunk ass to the porch and slept it off!!! i also remember hoe i felt when the princess turned peasant in pillars of the earth got thrown out of her own castle when the kingdom was overthrown!! and finally i remember when gesepe and his son hid in a hole with all their possessions melted into gold bars made into a belt to conceal their sole belongings when the soldiers turned their colony into chaos!!! so my point is that when i write these blogs they sometimes take weeks to push them to the back of my mind!!!the good talks are happily embraced and even missed when they become hazy!!however the stories of the past hurt me sometimes just as those events hurt more then myself back in those times!!!i rarely write about my mom or friends that iv'e watched be taken as if they were never here at all!!we as people comfortably put the things that make us emotional in a kinda of suspension retrievable when are hearts and minds can accept it!!so yes i dont blog often as id like i guess but thats only cuz my heart haswnt the walls i once kept it surrounded with!!!iv'e recently become engaged to someone who if you have met already i needent say more...all these things are emotional because of where we and i have come or gone or already been!! my mom wont be at my wedding and i missed my brothers wedding but he'l be here for mine!!i got out of prison a month or two late for some barely missed events..my little cellmate mikey got murdered 3 weeks before i came home..id just received a letter from him in which he stated brother i'l see you in three!!!he wont be at my wedding either!!he took two bullets to the head by a 14 yr old gangmember trying hard to foloow a path i helped lay!!its okay though cuz now i help divide that path!!!my first move in that chess game was taking myself out of the game first!!!next was to flood my sons thoughts with the choices and outcomes in life!!!i often think of my wedding day and i sulk for the people who wont be there!!!but then its okay because just think of the people that will!!! well im about to cook some fish and asparagus spears and maybe after that i'l relax...il absorb these thoughts n probably miss mikey but make a qiuck recovery thinking about all that i have!!!we make these choices and we deal with these outcomes!!it's just nice to write about things that leave a lovely aftertaste sometimes...its less of a beating on my heart!!!i always sign off with a witty conclusion so tonight won't be any different!! in that il just say this.. i walked by my sons room today while he was not aware i wa watching and he was doing a lil dance and inside i laughed but outside i got teary i remember when i was his age and even now!!sometimes you just dance!!! you celebrate life when you have a moment of freedom from stress and we DANCE!!!

WHAT DID I MISS???

My first day out of prison....i thought about telling you about my last night in prison but its too much for me to express without all the emotional outcome overwhelming my saturday morning..its early..way too early for an emotional wreck!!!So instead the day i left...they start around 5am and shuffle evryone to chow earlier then your regular routine..your housed in a pod designed for either comming into the system or leaving!!many men have died in these cells..in the early 1800s when that place was built it was metal cast iron cages..then in the 1900s it became 6 by 11 cement cells...in the 70s it was rated the most violent prison in the us. i walked the yard with my close friend grandpa g and he pointed out many points of interest in the several years i walked the yard while he'd run down the old ways...he wasnt a good man..hes in his 70s now n everybit as dangerous if not more dangerous then he was in those days..the difference is now it would be his soldiers doing his deeds for him..earning serious status in stripes for protecting a legend behind those walls..we'd walk and talk i grew to not fear him as much but actually began to care about him and learn from this small old man...he showed me a path between two handball courts called blood alley..he explained in the 70s many men entered the alley and never returned with their life!!!anyway the morning i left he was in holding awaiting a medical trip as his health these days is deteriorating rapidly!! wages of sin i assume???he has 11 life sentences for killing 3 guards in an attempted armor truck heist!!!i once asked him why he killed all three???I HAD NO CHOICE..hmmmmmm this choice thing comes up often when your older..so anyhow at 6 am they start poping doors for you to bring your laundry down and this is when you really know your going home!!!many doors don't pop because of bond holds outta state warrants new charges ect. ect. so trust my words its the longest hour of your life.....my door popped!!!!i almost fainted...i grabbed my laundry and began my walk down the tier...iv'e told this story to one person before..my brother mj..in a letter that i mailed upon my release.. i kept a pad n pen for the whole departure and began the night before and ended the letter after i was in my dressout clothes awaiting the final gate to open!!!as i began my decent down the tier many voices rang out and my name but my nickname rang out and many things were said and some were heard!!i remember hearing>>hey CC do good outhere gansta send picures homie!!! and hey CC are you nervous dog??? and CC CC cc cc cc!!!! as i walked i told myself i have my niece and brother on each shoulder like angelic beings...angelz on my shoulders protecting my decent!!!i was almost thru it and grandpa gs ceel was 3rd to the last...i wondered what id say???i got closer and close...i didnt look into any cells i dint want to see any faces..as i passed his cell i didnt look at him...but i know he saw the tears running down my cheeks!!!anyway the rest went by like a whirlwind and it was on!!!the gate opened i was greeted by a friend that picked me up..i was given a new outfit shoes cellphone sum jewlery a few gifts and was chauferred away to my town!!!i stopped about 15 minutes away and met up with a prison guard who i gave a can of tobacco a pack of lighters a nd a gallon of vodka also a bag of macdonalds 99cent cheeseburgers and fries...ya i owed man...the guard would later bring them into the prison to my crew and my name would certainly ring out once more!!!ya see i got love in there for having this heart..do u think theyd stop n do all that for me???a free man out here and i stopped and did what i said i'd do...my best friend in there told me before i left..hey homie if you dont get a chance to meet up with the guard dont trip noone will be mad we are used to it..even the guard who was more with us then with the system had her doubts..yes HER doubts..but they cant figure out what they don't understand is there will always be men amongst men who have a lil more heart..who are loyal to a game that shows them no rewards??that isn't loyal to anyone and promises detrimental outcomes to everyone who has crossed paths with you!!anyway i finally arrived in my neighborhood around12 noon...i drove to an old apartment complex best described by shows such as the wire and any related shows revealing the drug and gang culture!!!i saw the lookouts and heard the whistles and watched the corner boys watch me with concern and no exspressions..i parked and got out..theres a basketball court in the middle of the complex and many actions stopped and focused on me...i opened the car door and turned around and changed my shirt for all to view my collage of prison ink i was so proud of!!!once i felt all my tatoos had been understood and taken in i turned around...just as i knew here came the boys...alotta kids n older guys came towarz me with smiles throwing up hoods and areas with their fingers...i scanned the group looking for one face..i saw it!!!a tall kid in the middle wearing all north carolina gear and a huge smile...it was him..my son!!!i shuffled thru the crowd n we hugged and i cried..my son said this is my dad big CC from the joint!!!it was a blurry of introductions..this is manuel we call him pelon..this is jos'e aka dreamer ect ect...i turned and hugged the youngsters and various questions rang out???do you know my dad,my brother my primo??what yars were you on iz my carnal cool do u like daddy yankee???do u need work u got a piece yet ???yo ur shoes are tight!!!after it all me n my son got in the car and drove...lets hit the swapmeet alright t i said???ya im down he said...we went to the swapmeet and got sum clothes more to our liking and it was funny cuz in the swapmeet i heard my name ring out immediately..i guess this is where the gangsterz go..alotta guys id been in prison with came over and said hey...no hugs out here cuz we were on a new playing field.street shit aint the pinta playa!!beefs dropped in there but out here it was the game n the street!!we didnt hug cuz everyone has guns in their waste...yes even after all my evolving i still carried heat!!!im not a dumb person!!!many choices can end in one instant and my first day out i wasnt about to die...not without a fight i mean...anyway we got our gear n headed to meet up with all my extended family mostly related to my son by blood and to me by gang affiliation!!! we pulled up to the resteraunt and shit got deep...i was hugged and greeted by everyone and we sat down orderd and waited for our food..i began to get warm then hot the i felt nacious sic.. i almost threw up!!!i looked around and people were whispering and pointing and i heard an elderly lady tell he husband i asked my nephew to accompany me to the bathroom and i walked in and completley broke down..i cried n cried and he'd already been outta prison a year and said damn uncs i told everyone it was too soon for you to come out to a resteraunt!!!we stood in silence and i washed my face n walked back out to our table..noone said anything and my son looked at me and nodded his head and we ate....i said my goodbyes and we drove off...i sat back n nodded off.. my adrenaline left and i was numb...when i sat down to write this morning this wasnt where i was going..but its where i ended up..hope ya feel me..i may finish this or i may talk about other things..but today a great deal later then where this story started im in my home with the christmas tree lit he firplace on...my laptop humming the music echoing and im warm and comfortable...no more game..nomore guns nomore traffik no more homiez no more crown!!!my sons asleep in his room and hes awaiting christmas morning ...its quiet here ...amongst the music and all its quiet!!theres no lookouts here theres no gang whistles signs or mentality..there are nomore soldierz awaiting orderz their are no more grand entrances to and from bars clubs or prision yards therez just silence and memories of a life so far gone i cant even recite it without thinking deep!!!i walk to the car unarmed nowdays i eat out and dont care if my backs to the front entrance i have a beatiful life..my son has one too...two years now and a quote from my favorite series the wire replays over and over in my head!!!IM HOME NOW!! IM HOME!!!

SILENCE

YA I HAVE TO FEEL A CERTAIN WAY TO TALK 4 A BLOGG!!!WRITING,TALKING WHATEVA YOU SAY!!!ITS OUR PERSPECTIVE THAT BLEEDS INTO INK AND EVOLVES INTO WORDS TYPED ON OUR PAGES!!!WITH THAT SAID I WAS THINKING ABOUT SILENCE!!!THE DIFFERENT KINDS??I REMEMBER WHEN SILENCE THREATNED MY HEALTH!! so anyway i feel like wen im sittn next to people be it my girl or my brother or my son..in between our conversing we enjoy comfortable silence and its priceless..i love to stare at my bestfriend while she drives n talks to me or just sits there quiet!!!i go to my dads house n sumtimes i lay way deep into hiz couch n enjoy the silence...its never silent there but my own silence is lovely while i listen and learn???itz one of my favorite things in the world to watch people live!!!i dont have much to say tonight however i wanted to talk about thiz thing i remembered on the movie jesse james by robert ford the coward...jesse had a repetitive eye type movent condition and the narrorator expressed thoughtz that jesses condition was almost as if the world was too much for jesse to see and take in all at once!!! i think of the statement often cuz my brothers gift for my birthday this year was a surgical removal of a tattoo on my face that symbolized convictionz!!! i didnt get the lazer i received the procedure of having it cut off of my face with a surgical knife..ever since iv'e had a flutter n twitch constantly!!! so i guess i think of that narrators wordz alot!!!ITS AS IF THE WORLD WAS TO BIG FOR HIM TO SEE AND TAKE IN!!!we know my reason my eye twitches to a 99 percent accuaracy however jesses aliement was guessed and opinions were revealed but maybe it was from a thousand different outcomes as a reasult of those times!!!its just funny to ponder what opions will be given on our conditions or aliemants to those hearing stories or reading books or watching movies of our time and us personally!!!just sum thoughts....

my brother's music

ARRIVAL part three

Before i tell more of this story about my life i want anyone reading this to understand that my writing isn't guidelined,i spell badly at times i end sentences wrong i fuck up phrases and sometimes my writings all over the place not to mention my puncuation is laughable i am only relieved you don't have to read this in my own handwriting...i write this way because thats what i do...this is me....iv'e read alot inside and out...i continue to read and learn..thats what im about im trying to evolve and writing runs in my family ...it's our gift some people tell me anyway...so anyway im just talking here.......i'l get back to the blog about my first days of prison but the point of all that is where i am now...im home with the a/c on listening to my ipod writing on my laptop...i just came home from work at a job i love and this is pretty much my life now....well actually it's much better then that but we'l talk about that later....i'l give ya a peek into the last three years since i left that life..iv'e been to the fray,blue october, coldwarkids,denguefever,the brazilian girlz,blondie,the music fests in hollywood,the casbah on clash night,catalina, santa barbara and cornodo island...i caught sharks all summer n cardiff and surfed and boogeyboarded the coast wide over...iv'e hike torrey pines and fished those coves at the lagoon...iv'e been to my nieces birthdayparty's every year since iv'e been home....i toasted many times at many resteraunts with many good people...iv'e eaten suishi twice and hated it both times...me n my brother have had many drunken nights....we played pool all across the valley from my dads to the colorado to the brass and even an irish pub at 2am drunk as hell....me n my bestfriend and girl have drinkin pints of guiness at the sod while mj sang...my son opened presents on our living room floor for christmas and his birthday and sometimes just cuz im home now...we had barbecues out back and even lil vinny showed...i golfed badly on a sunday with my brother but that ain't the point did you hear me i said i went golfing???all of these things are small compared to what im leaving out but thats personal...i will say this....i was at the beach ocean fishing with my son this summer and i hope everyone in their life gets to feel something comparable to the way i felt when my son caught 3 sandsharks in one day...we were side by side and my girlfriend shared the expirience...with us...he's still a kid and the weight of th world was lifted for a day and he smiled...he's not unusual he's just another kid who had his dad come home after missing his life due to choices i'd made....theres millions of kids who live that everyday...but on that day we were just fishing and smiling alot.....

ARRIVAL ON THE YARD part two

The bus stopped and again we were shuffled off and coralled like cows in a group...noone was acting tuff everyone looked guilty..to me thats the same look as scared cuz you know the gigs up..the prison guards are built like tanks and they start the intimidating right off..they hurried us into a place called the fishtank where you are sprayed with a lye like substance and you give 3 viles of blood they take your photos and issue your prison gear and finally feed you...theres a window to the prison yard and the lowest form of mankind was viewed by all through that window...some tuff guy prisioners would stop n stare at you as if to say just wait til your on this side of the glass punk your ass is mine...i stared back !!!I wasn't really worried about the inmates as much as never seeing the people i loved again...next i was taken to my cell in the fishtank where i'd be housed for six weeks on 24 hour 7 day a week lockdown..at the time i almost lost it..later in my prison career i'd do 2 years in the hole and it wouldn't even phase me but this was the beginning so i wasn't coping i was slowly losing my grip...when i was brought into the fish tank cell immediately i put my food flap down and surveyed the inmates coming to everyones cell offering cigarettes weed heroin stamps lighters matches ect...the first thing they wanna know is your gang affiliation so if your connected or clicked up as we said..they'd give you love meaning the prices went from 3 stamps for a smoke to like 20 smokes for a couple stamps or even a few free smokes n maybe a joint or stamps...i bought like 30 smokes for a couple stamps and sat at my little table and rolled smokes and kicked around some stories with my cellie[cellmate] and we smoked and joked nervously...my intake passed and the day came to go to the main line[the main prison housing yard] and i rolled up my stuff and was escorted down a cement path surrounded by razorwire and above every path was a cat walk where guards with shotguns and machine guns roamed intensely....i looked over at a big sign that i thought was a stopsign but it read NO WARNING SHOTS i asked one of the guards what that means and he said if you make an agressive move on a guard or another inmate we reserve the right to shoot to kill no warning shot..i waited at the gate and was cleared to go through..as i continued through it was just a pure scene of racial ignorance..mexicans piled up whites piled up and blacks everywhere...the mexicans yelled out we'l see you in side essay..i looked at them and said to myself those are the men who will end my life...i continued on and some crips said whats up cuz and a whiteboy said who you riding with partner?? i just walked into my pod and was directed to my cell and i went in threw my shit on the bed and waited for them essays...soon enough they came but i wasn't all that scared i was just hoping if they stabbed me it was done fast..and i was kinda hoping i would just die that day and it'd all be over...the shotcaller came in my cell with his troops behind him and said you alright??? i said not really man...he said heres the rules no giving blacks deals with blacks use the mexican phone the mexican toilets and showers and you can trade with the whiteboys as long as you get equal value in return..he said don't gamble if you can't pay only eat or play cards with mexicans or whites if theres no tables left throw your food away and come back and we'l feed you..he said you have to cut your hair ..shaved heads or crew cuts only...you have to wear shoes to and from the shower laced and tied no shower shoes on the yard or cardtables...incase we go to war you can't be in showershoes...he ran down the politics and motioned to his soldiers they came over with a box..they all said some words in spanish and left..he said your on thrucha[eyes[this means we are watching you for prospecting purposes of the prison gang world... he left and i opened the box..it was full of smokes soap toothpaste cards stamps coffee some weed pencils paper deodorant and matches and about 20 ramen noodle soups...i put a soup in a bowl and added hot water and rolled a smoke...i took a drag and inhaled deep ...i let the smoke out and almost fainted...adreniline was escaping now...my cellie was at work in the kitchen so i made my bed looked out my door closed it and reopened it..i looked around for anyone i could befriend real quick...i saw a guy sitting on the steps of his tier and i called him over...i said where can i get some protection??? he said "you crippin"?? i said fo-sho!!! he left and returned with a lid from a soup can and said"i'l watch for the man hurry up and put it together...county jail had taught me how to assemble a shank outta almost nothing...so i bent the metal and made sure one side was dull[to hold ] and oneside was sharp[to kill]...he said c-ya and i closed my door... i tied dental floss around the shank tied one end to the toilet handle and flushed it...[this way to retrieve it i just had to grob the floss and to flush it just cut the rope if the guards came in battleramming...next i put up a few pictures of my son and i layed down face first on my rack buried my head in my pillow and cried till i fell asleep........