Passing the Torch....

So it begins i guess???We give our children options to help them make choices in life that will help them succeed in life....It's like certain Decades or era's though...I'm sure these memorable Era's per say have been assuring their place in time way before i can remember but for me i guess i most identify with the 80's..Funny how these kids are still wearing the Ray-ban sunglasses like it's something new & Hip...I gaze in the mirror and see the grey in my goatee that i just can't hide anymore..I used to be able to shave it closer & it barely showed a silver strand..I watch my hairline fade further & further back and my eyes have lines under them that scream out evidence of past years gone by...I mean even people who didn't like the 70's really would have had to be a part of it to really see the birth of the 80's.I have read & watched many stories of the 40,s 50,s & 60s but today i have still never seen a bigger footprint then the 80's left on our side of the world or California at least...I look around now & watch the youth steal bits of different era's & i don't really see any defining time since those crazy 80's...the 90's basically made no statement & the 2000's era is just a bunch of technology and smart phones that in the end we will come to realize is more detrimental to us then it's worth...Most everyone's kids are indoors now..When i was 10 you couldn't beg me to stay inside...Technology and our world evolving unsafe streets have made all the kids go inside...It used to be so lovely too...Outdoors all day in the summer coming home only to eat pee & get some kool-Aid...We would be picking teams for wiffle ball or choosing hot wheels and GI joes down the block at the end of the street at Edna Park...Those little kid days turned into Break-dancing day's & then the 80's past & left it's scattered identities mixed with things we read watched & heard about well throughout today...I look on Facebook & my friends are everything from Lawyers to teachers to UPS guy's......All products of the 80's....The friends or people i knew after the 80's have much different professions..Quite a few are doing Life Sentences,Dead or have heavy Addictions...Not just drug or dangerous life choice addictions but also technology addictions..My son for instance is for the most part a good boy but at 19 years old he is online either gaming or whatever it is for over 15 hours a day and identifies mostly with whatever he see's that goes Viral...this has been going on for over 10 years now with only small breaks to skate by in online high school and some community College...This generation has no identity whatsoever..I guess these days you can just get by with fronting like something your not and hope people buy it..We were building identities in the 80's with the weather it was day glow or parachute pants...Mods Preps or gang-bangers with Raiders hat's...Pretty in Pink Or Boyz in the hood!!I have been a Dad for over 20 yrs now and recently I'm a Dad again..The options will be different this time though...I feel a little intimidated by Facebook and YouTube but i feel us older new dads are becoming wiser..My new baby daughter will be outside in the Sun defining her generation i hope...I guess all Old people say their generation was the Best & for the most part I'll buy it except for everything so far after the 80's :)Hopefully our kids wont screw it up for their kids & the whole damn world end up indoors.....I was at dinner with my family the other night & the lady at the next table had 3 kids..one watched his cartoons from his Ipad the next kid played a handheld Nintendo and finally the 3rd kid was text messaging or something with his iPhone and i shook my head....Can't go to dinner and just have some conversation and good times? Naw we have to bring gadgets to raise our Kids? We have our work cutout for us don't we Boys & Girls??

The Gangster the Killer & the Dope Dealer......

One time i was at my dad's house back in 08' & my stepmother brought out a book she'd just written...a poetry book...She's brilliant on a poetic scale...Anyway i read a poem called the Gangster the killer n the Dope dealer....I knew it was about me even when she said it wasn't...even if she comments my blog which she often does i will still believe she was referring to her stepson..Yours truly....

SLIM-SHADY!!

I mostly just call him Slim....Or 4sean...Back in the day man we used to do whatever for the dollars man..We got it too..We was living that life ya know..Ended us two up in Prison doing some bids man for real...We was cell by cell up in HDSP in the hole for a long time too ..We was all we had....After a while they shipped us back to the 303 to do some more lengthy sentences..Had to render to Cesar what was Cesar's ya feel me??One time when we first went to prison we had to ride on some young cat and of course we fucked it all up man..we missed the hit dude got past us in the cell and we threw a few punches but did no real damage..We lived for that shit back then...a few months after being in the hole i got it right the next time i ran up in a cell with bad intentions...This time Slim watched from the upper tier cuz we had different free time then..Some snitch was in there & everyone was scared but i ran in play-as cell & straight threw heaters...bet that!!Wasn't long before i talked to my OGC homies back home and told them Slim was joining up..Neighborhood struggle slash prison gang-life escalated..Slim n me got our Set struck up on forearms back arms & wherever..We was proud of our Tatts on the yard..So anyhow man years passed alotta different prisons ensued and many tatts followed...We never hit a yard together in our own State but we stayed in contact..I loved it in there for awhile you know?When i left in 06 i weighed 225 & was benching 365 3 times easily...I had a N tatted over my eyebrow & 3 dots there too to rep OGC....I hit the bricks and it was sum gangster shit from jump...you can refer to older blogs here for details...I was paroled to the Nutty blocks & it was on!! I talked to slim once or twice from some crib i was selling dope from & mostly all i could offer him was an ounce or two of work :(I remember he said he wasn't with it & i thought to myself (The Pen got to my homie)I thought maybe the hommies didn't embrace him in there..So anyways how far life takes you huh??I was googling from one of my work computers at my desk &ran across a company and it's SEO's picture..It looked an awful lot like Slim..I browsed around & saw that it was him...Slim got a BA in a related field and worked hard to have a real life for himself and his family..i saw him on a TV show giving an interview about his company...I browsed harder and found his resume with Cell phone # attached..Of course i called...It was awkward a little because before we was just some little gangsters into gangster shit...I'm sure he was Leary of me too...He didn't know i had given up the gang-life and removed my facial tattoos and was married with children too..I'm a manager at the #1 prototype company in CALI too..(MY CLAIM TO FAME LOL)But all this shit matters man..We both made it...I'm so proud he didn't follow that gang bullshit lifestyle i could just cry...But i wont...Naw man i shall celebrate life...He doesn't know about the things that have happened but that's the past..I wanted to tell him how my next cellmate i roomed with for years who was from NSM a rival of our click but a true bro of mine got murdered 1 month after he paroled...Or how the lil homie Setrip got shot in the head a few years back..Or how the big homie Menace got stabbed up bad in Bueny then came to my yard and we was in a full war with 16 block that spilled onto the streets and i too was injured in the war..But you know what fuck all that..Lil Randy's doing life along with Munchies and Col-ton and allot of others...That was their choices and Slim chose a different path...He chose life..that means something man.. it's easy to give up and go back back to prison and stay in the hood life...I think Slim has some reservations about me cuz i should a done more for him but i was caught up in the that LIFE BACK THEN...intoxicated BY THAT LIFE YA KNOW SLIM?? from the pictures i have seen slim has a great family and children and job and life's different today....We got older and became responsible..hey it's better then the alternative.We could be doing life behind them walls getting more tatts gang banging well into our 60;s if we didn't get killed in the next 5 minutes or so..It's cool with me if Slim doesn't come around anymore because i know he's OK now...He don't need me anymore he's all grown up...I feel good about it..I once watched him get our hood tatted on his arm and i was smiling...Just like I'm smiling right now!!!Slim will always be my brother whether we pass the blunt back and fourth again listening to UGK or not...We had and will always have a bond that's like WHOA!!

NINE-22-11

Today i decided to write about it...Life man..you cant contain it or really plan it..It's life..And yes It scares me...It scares me some...I wrote not long ago about how life around here is waiting to breathe again and yes it's even closer...i can almost smell her...I vision 2am nights standing over Elisa's crib watching life...Few things in my life have been this good.Tommy and Sara are my best additions to what i brought to the James trilogy!!And when i say trilogy i mean our family tree...The Wolf pack joined us and we are strong today...I feel with my daughter there's new hope.....James's are an honorable bunch but maybe the unity will bring us a...hold up man I'll continue this after i pour a drink..reboot...roll-up ..YOU KNOW!!

THE CLASSIC LIFE!!

I don't think you can hide from what you truly LOVE!!I was looking in my closet the other day for some shorts appropriate for work.I took out two pair of Dickie's shorts.I asked myself are these work appropriate?? I remember when dickies represented something else to me....I re associate thing nowadays however thanks to my best friends advice...She said re associate things...That classic life will never lose it's glare for my memory though!!I'm not sure what era is most responsible but i am certain the classics mostly have deep roots!!When we were about 2 yrs old my uncle mark had a fair lane dropped on fat boys with shaved doorhandles and teardrops ...I have heard they let him cruise it in the early 70's in La Puente's yearly City Parade!!Today that car would symbolize some gangster hip hop low rider affiliation!!Same with the Dickes i guess too...But not for me..They represent the working guy like me who has Dickies in the weekly lineup.I know there's allot of people who feel the same about things.I guess for a young 40 yr old im just old school...I mean i still love Mafia movies and good taste in clothes and even Cadillacs..It pisses me off to the core that everything i love has different associations but i just had to stop and re associate things and love things for what they are to me not what they are to people who want things for different reasons...I was like 5 yrs old and MJ was probably ten..I remember having the top buttons on our shirts buttoned and and our size small slingshots on underneath with khakis on and we fit in...We were amongst friends in those clothes and my biggest fears are not being comfortable in the clothes I'm in right now...It's just changed now you know?Mostly Golf shirts and an occasional dress shirt... Mostly anyways!!I come here and talk shit about the classic days and if you feel me you do if not maybe I'll get to you later...I often revisit my past and get it out...I was at a Reggae show with my wife and son who's 18 and heard some young attractive girl who was all but throwing it at my son say something peculiar...She told my son she knew he was all gangster It makes me feel like a Monster that i was behind my son and i for once glimpsed the Gangster he reflects...Until he speaks that is...He's actually a gentle giant but like some of the old Classics he still clings to that classic life!!!I guess it's unexplainable to describe how i once wanted my son to be Marlo like...I mean you know running a crew in the North side im certain and you know really make a go at them Quiggs(North sides biggest housing projects in Denver) or something big like that.When i got out of the Joint myself however i couldn't have my son on that path man...This past week he was at dental school tours and seeking some refuge in the Navy perhaps and i couldn't be prouder...I often stop to write about how far we have evolved from our prior role models of our youth!!Before all the ratting on each other and witness protection and the Crack era and Boyz in the Hood we just had the Classic life!!!

POETRY POWER & PACIFIERS

I was asking myself the other day..could you do what he did? I want to believe I could but I'm not 100% on the question..Dad, uncle, Mom's brother...all in the same to me.There's people that either step up or don't when the times are tough.My dad stepped up and took his sister's sons in when she got into her trouble...He had a young daughter and wife of his own with a serious brain tumor but he moved over...He made room for me & Mj...So the other day I asked myself, "could you do that?" I always say I would take in any of my family's kids, should tragedy strike, but I'm not sure if I mean it...I'm not my DAD...I want to have a heart as good as his but that comes with a lot of sacrifice..That's what defines family - though Sacrifice!!My Dad could have just as well went down his sister's path for indeed it was the 70's...My birth father was already probably 4 yrs into a life sentence in some prison someplace in California's great rehabilitation process..But anyways like I was saying, my uncle took us in and tried to do what all young dads do..Little league sprinkled with a little religion on Sundays and camping trips every summer..I never bought into any of it at the time for I was one to seek Power..not real power but more of a watered down neighborhood struggle. A kind of power which I observed all over my mother...Boy when she first came home from prison on parole, even my toughest friend, Kevin, was swallowing deep when she got out of the car...Anyhow I spent way too many years of my life chasing that illusion...when I myself was in prison 15 yrs later, I even achieved some status amongst men of her world..I heard a slew of things from counselors, parole officers, judges, lawyers etc...The money isn't real, the power is liquid ...I mean like American Idol liquid...Not real Idols and definitely not real power there I'm certain..It's all liquid...So maybe false power or religion or what not are just forms of Pacifiers we use then throw out or maybe acquire new ones? The jury's still out on the matter for me..I guess when I think of my Dad having lost his young bride to that brain tumor..having been laid off of his profession a mere few years before retirement ensuing a roller coaster of events including losing his James family home, which to us was an oasis..I picture him nowadays sitting in his condo in Arizona down by the lake on the golf course and I say, "Is that what we get??" Did I struggle from almost nothing to almost something for that? Do I get out of bed for work everyday to go hit the time clock so that I too may end up in the desert 6 hours from my grand kids and sons and daughter?? I picture my dad looking at the TV guide on his flat-screen to see which ballgames coming on next...Last time I was out there to visit him a few months ago, I watched him scroll on his computer we set up so he can get more sports channels..I looked around and my Dad looked older...He sat in his chair and I asked myself could I do what he did for this???I sat back on his couch and watched time slow...I looked as he glanced at the time with no place to go..I fought emotion back as I looked over at my own beautiful wife..I put my head back, closed my eyes and reminisced on our past life..The sacrifices my Dad made for nothing more then the plight of GOOD...So today when I ask myself if I could..my answer is, I would!! I added a little rhyme for the definition of poetry as what it means to me..Poetry is more powerful then pistols, which was almost the 3rd word in the title of this blog but I felt like having a title that's up to date...Life's waiting to breathe again around here..Remember if you Believe you can achieve and be like him..I picture 20 yrs from now, me sitting in my Dad's chair on some golf course watching any game I want thanks to our vast world of technology...I picture my wife working in the garden, so maybe not the desert for us, but it makes me smile anyway...I think it's a great payoff..My Dad may not be where he wanted to be in his golden years but it could be way worse..It could be Victorville for Christ sake..Just kidding..well Kinda.

HARD WIRED!!!

On the radio i heard this talk show host say he's has to work at it to be a good person....As for me well ya i buy it....I have to work some too...It's hard at the good times and that's why i write about it..My sons graduating from high school this June and i can't go!!..My ignorant sporadic past has brought me here....About 3 days or so ago my sons mama brought me down from my cloud and reminded who i am....not what i am but who i was when i progressed.. When i left that life per say??Ya the holidays are a celebration but also time the tongue is loose...it seems if i attend my son's grad night other forces that be may have the upper hand...Talk im sure but it's about my son..it's his day...i can't taint that night...he'd be proud either way but im trying to wIn HIM over still you see??Our paths must be righteous from here on out do you understand??It's hard to sell a righteous plight with a scattered past...Anyways im exhausted..I really am...I just wanted to come here and tell you its burns me inside that my sons cap and gown will be thrown in the air but i will only see it on an email or you tube at best... But hey...you gotta give it your best im told...you know i mean what's the alternative???Letting em know who you are???Well WHO ARE YOU THEN???i LOVE MY SON....WE ARE ALMOST AT THE FINISH LINE T...AND THEN THERE'S ANOTHER RACE....BUT LET'S JUST GET THROUGH THIS ONE OKAY BABY BOY???

YOUR FREE WITH ME!!

You have no idea how many people depend on you for a lifeline.....Many Many people know how lovely you are and therefore want 2 bid for your time...Hence the discomfort you feel when you can't make a date or event every time...Your friends are really your family too and they want your time as much as i do...as much as relatives do2..The people you grace well I'll just say were lucky...I'm the luckiest cuz ur mine...I have a huge chunk of your time and im thankful for that....since almost 20 years ago when i got in line for your time..well i hope u can see how much i could love only you...there's really always been you and i am with u everyday....

He Got Out!!

So a few times a year my son fly's back to his home town and spends time with his other side of the family....Im restless during these transitions...I don't sleep as good when my sons not in the room next to mine...I miss the little thud of bass i so often complain about when he's here but i miss it at these times..Here come the trials..The tests...The parties and the 17 year old adolescent drinking...My son..well i almost said he;s no angel but trust me he's angelic i promise you...his smiles infectious if you saw it your concur...Anyways when my boy goes home it's nerve racking...The other side of his family is caught up in that life still ya know???along with that comes old friendships ..like my sons best friend and recent catcher of a bullet with his name on it...Look like mickey i don't want to get biblical in a place like this but hear my reasons...My son went to his best friends and son of one of my old gangster pals kid 18th birthday last Saturday night ...When i put him on a plane Saturday morning i told him how much i loved him first then said ..here comes the bullshit..I said ...Son...If there's a situation jumping off and your headed there get out of it however you have to...So here i am Weds day a week later...His mom called me and said my son (a high school senior)..Well he called at 2am Sunday morning and said he didn't know exactly where he was cuz he had been in a car with friends but asked them to let him out when he'd had enough..Was he drinking??Yes certainly..he's 17 and fueled by hormones and x-box..just kidding bout the x-box!!Okay then i just wanted to share about how my son got out of the car before continuing to go on down a wrong path..Where d ya think he learned him that folks??I feel like a bad parent when writing about my sons high school night of drinking...But hey he got out of the car and called someone to come get him...Everyday is like Sunday!!

Tired Violence!!

Im not even sure what that title means yet...Tired of it though most certain!!I was a little more LIVID this morning about my belief in all i see but then i write some..When i write things i teach myself some lessons..I just get tired you know??It's October so i guess its my release day!!This month was supposed to be a celebration but instead it's my nightmare....It's my mothers month and every year it takes another piece...She been gone since 86 so you'd think id have armor...I don't man...i am brittle..I always tell myself ever year u wont feel it...but i do...i can't help it ...i cant let go yet... I mean part of me let sum go when i poured out my heart to my best friend on PCH coming back from la bra...but im still shell shocked...Trisena was taken from me in 1986 and October still remains hollow...but it's better now then before i guess..I sat at my desk today thinking and stressn about my stress and my heart was crying.....It's not about you Tommy ray today's her day...It is to...It's my MOMS day every year this time...Recently i heard everything i love will die...I don't believe em though...My mother will never be fully gone....My son knows her well even though he's never met her... my wife and brother know her too al though only my brother remembers her...She was lovely i cant tell you..i am thankful i was given some years with her to carry her spirit..My brother frowns on religion but i play the odds ...lol...Ok so im mostly done here but before i go just let me say this...My mother Trisena....Something good came from my mom...her Sons and daughter n laws and grandchildren are out here really doing it..making a difference...Shhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiitt man my nieces and nephews are close to buddah...my wife's taught Kids to learn without test scores....My sister in law manages a dept and a two year old James kid...You feel me??Yep my mothers family is here tonight....I made it through the day ma and your birthday is the night before we are bewitched....I will be in full costume you already know...Alright then October 30th..kit's a date..I will bring another bottle..I love you mom!!!

CONNECTIONS!!

I've many times wanted to write a book about sayings that I've heard and elaborate on each to see how it makes us feel?? The things people say or write have many interpretations..Let me ramble off a few of my favorites I've heard one time or another.One time i heard someone say"My time away just made perfection"situations mold us into evolving states and that's something to look forward too i think.Another favorite saying of mine is I often wish that i could save the world ..but im a dreamer"Gods word ain't no hustle". O that's a great one and im not even religious i swear im not!!some of the songwriting I've heard in my life time o forget about it don't even get me started...I promise i will elaborate more but first allow me a little room to ramble...it's just my way...Ok back to a few lyrics then are you for real?Three that come to mind right now are "Everyday is like Sunday" Can you imagine a life where the day before you go back to work is actually more bliss then a Friday to the working class??How about "do you love Mozart?"I do love Mozart and not even my wife knows this about me because it's too emotional to go through...If you get it you get it if not try to get there....I implore you to try...So lastly i guess ill end with a rap verse..."Even the genius asks questions"...I don't partake in too much rap these days but i listen to words so ya i guess i hear it some...Asking questions elevates your knowledge and most of us will never achieve genius in book smarts or mathematical equations but in life we may achieve Machiavellian status...Even if we don't we tried for it...There was a time i couldn't have cared less about trying to save the world but when i came to actually give up some things then i opened myself up to receive so much..
It may have started with the love shown to me by a dog named pepper??I remember back about 8 years ago when i was in the prisons dog program and the first dog i trained (pepper) The day they gave him his training certificate and released him to his owners was a new day for me...They came into my cell block and leashed him up and lead him away...I was a 215 pound muscled up tattooed up prison gang affiliated bad-guy and i cried like a 5 year old who missed the school bus on the first day of school..I remember thinking remember who you are Thomas remember everyone's watching...they act like there not but all eyes are on you...the guards couldn't wait to tell their friends and the inmates stories would be mythical for decades....well maybe not decades but i too seek to be immortalized...For me it started there and "I've come to realize so much...oh I've come so far but got so long to go!!See there's another great saying..I revel in accomplishing understanding even on remedial levels...Some might think it's just plain stupid that a dog could be sent to change a man...Well to them i say maybe Gods word is no hustle?...It's just one theory??No seriously though Words especially when coupled by brilliant partners i believe truly can move mountains...Mountains are nothing more then obstacles ..."my time away just made perfection"When i hear that it makes we feel waves of emotion...Kinda like when i heard Mozart for the first time...Or when i touched A Monet painting in real life...You couldn't understand unless you could.......Maybe you do.. or maybe you will.. It's achievable and i agree that it's better to listen more then talk but that's just me saying so...

GERALDINE

About 98% of what i write or say i have taken from someone else..Some book,Movie,Song ect ect..So anyways i have for about the past year liked this song i had heard sometime back..In this song the guy is talking about basically being there for someone and at the end he calls himself a social worker...Anyhow i just the other day purchased the song and have since been replaying it in my car on my computer ..In my mind the lyrics roll over and over...At the beginning of this song i like the guy states "ill be there when you decide to AVENGE your soul...So lets begin there shall we?? My main goals in life are to repair things and be admirable...Alot of people tell me to just forget the past and move forward...So when i come here to talk i also explain why i do what i do...Yesterday was a Sunday and i mostly was putting together a home theater system and having a few beers and eating manudo "a pastime favorite of mine...its helps the weak stomach" Anyways i was putting together wires and stuff and trying to figure out dmi or hdmi or hd or whatever and just kind of going along easily through my day..My wife was at the coffee shop doing her school work and i was home by myself for the most part.My cousin who shares the same christian name as me was going to stop by in awhile and i was happy cuz i hadn't seen him in about 4 months...So around 4pm i guess my wife came home and i was showing her the new home entertainment setup. I was a good four beers into my day when my cousin showed up and usually when we see each-other we drink most of the alcohol in the county that night..Just kidding but what i mean to say is we go through some beers while we catch up on life stories and work and whatnot.We tend to go back and fourth from the living room to the balcony where my cousin can take a smoke or two and we can talk about the old times and not offend anyone too much...Most of the old days he remembers i was like 15 or 16 and either going to commit a crime coming from committing a crime or thinking about a crime..He still to this day idolizes that nonsense..He always reminds me of stories where i would flash guns around in front of him or maybe take him along for car thefts or in the later years i would show up in Vegas where he lived and we would have suites at the mirage and i would come flashing all the spoils of my criminal lifestyle..He was even there the night before i got the big indictment that sent my ass off to prison for many many years...So anyways we were out there on the balcony yesterday kicking around some stories of the past and he was telling me of a bar fight he;d been in sometime back where my dad was present at the time..Him and my dad were watching the NFL one Sunday and some loudmouth started a fight and my cousin threw some punches and i heard my dad even chased some guy down the parking lot...hahahah That's a funny picture cuz my dad is a super nice guy who probably hasn't had to be tough since his high school days but what are you gonna do my cousin was in a fight so the chaos brushed against my dad for a minute..Well as my cousin told me this story i sipped a swig of my beer and said"Whats wrong with you punching some guy with my dad there?" "Whats the matter with you i asked?" My cousin put out his cigarette and said whats wrong with me?? what would you have done if some guy started a fight in front of your father at a bar and said some disrespectful things to your dad too??Ill tell you what he said..You would have shot the guy...We laughed about it for a few and talked a little more then proceeded to just play x-box drink a few more beers and call it a late night...This is where i am with this...When my cousin first said those words "you would have shot the guy" We both laughed but it was uncomfortable and the alcohol dulls the senses so it mostly slid off me until later..I was driving to work this morning and started to laugh about my cousins story and while i laughed a hot tear ran down my face then another and another then no more...I listened to my new song and when i heard the guy say i will be there when you decide to avenge your soul..Well lets just say i understood many things today....I explained before how the guy in the song calls himself a social worker...That's what i want to be..Your social worker..Not as a profession or anything but more like the ones the word itself remind me of..Maybrit..One of my many step-parents who's profession i recently learned was that of a social worker..That's how i came to her for the short time i was with her ...i believe i was around 5 or 6 when she took me in and tried to adopt me..I hadn't heard form her again until about 25 years later which would be last summer i believe...I found her and she's 86 years young and when i went to the same house i lived in with her to visit i was in awe that i was still there..I had never left..Right there on the walls were my pictures and her photo albums i was there and my belongings were still there..She told me she took me in at that young age because she knew things were happening to a boy that shouldn't happen...I won't go to far into mine and hers past or present relationship..Its something i mostly hold dear to myself and only let a little of that ever be seen..Some other social workers i have encountered are my older brother and my moms brother whom to me is DAD..He took me and my brother in way back when and he taught us what being a man was all about...sure i strayed but i owe a lot of my present life to his upbringing. My wife teaches second grade in the lower income area...These influences aren't just my social workers they are everyone's..I have written about doing righteous things and evolving...This is my direction to social worker status..Its hard for me to hear or remember stories or descriptions of how i used to be..Just a few minutes before writing this i read my brothers comment to a previous blogg i had written and he said he was scared i have secrets that will unwind and be my undoing...Its okay though..No matter my situation he shouldn't worry...after prison and all that gangster shit and The descriptions of a former me ..he shouldn't sweat it because i choose to Avenge my soul...That's social work ..To me it is anyway..The reason i cant detain the tears when hearing about my prior lifestyle is because avenging your soul doesn't happen overnight..Its forever i feel like..I doubt people even would know when they Avenge their own soul..You can pretty much take the word soul when i use it and refer to your heart..or my heart...The soul and heart are one and the same in my mind..I have in the past couple years since being out of prison i have tried to make amends with my heart..It's really hard to make your heart believe you wont damage it again..your soul......See its hard to swallow when your family remembers the you that would shoot someone..Words to you but heart betrayal at its realist for me...How can you stray so far that you are described as something that would kill over no more the some words?? A bar fight? A look???Like my brother my heart awaits the relapse im certain..I just want to be talked about in 80 yrs as a social worker...I have alot of work to do but for me it started with paying back my soul for all I've taken from it...Once i talked about my writings and told someone i want them ..my words i mean to be heard and remembered..You seek immortality i was told...In these writings i try to heal..heal me heal you heal whomever will listen..For now it's some of my social work..When you think you have done to much to go on and to much to go back then you need someone...You need angel on your shoulder..you know someone who will be there to support you as you repair your soul..These types don't have to do what they do but they just do..They come to your side when you want to begin healing..Its hard for me to fathom myself ever being described as a social worker but my heart is here for whoever i can reach..I am surrounded by friends family and co-workers and earlier today i sent an email to a person in my office whom rubs me the wrong way and we don't have a good re-pore at all to say the least..Anyway i emailed this person to come out to my dept and come by my desk for a few minutes if they had time..About fifteen minutes later i swung my chair around and heard my co-workers voice ask me what was up??? I almost started crying..When you avenge your soul it takes a tole and it's humbling for a former supposed to be tuffguy..So i swung my chair around and started to talk but mostly i rambled before pulling myself together...I then just said hey the other day i was busy as hell and out of the corner of my eye i saw you struggling with your own workload and i was really stressed with my own stuff but i want you to know i wish i would have helped you because im not that person..Im not the person that sees someone who needs help and because i don't see eye to eye with them i decide not to help..No i don't want you to think of me that way//Its been over a week since that happened but i wanted you to know everyday since it bothered me that i didn't help..It bothered me that you probably think im an asshole cuz i was acting like one...I don't want situations to affect me so much that others would describe me as less then all heart...This person said don't sweat it and smiled and i Avenged a small piece....Small pieces are okay for now i just Want to be described someday as the opposite of my prior way of living thinking and acting...My heart is that of a social workers..I believe i have a soul like Geraldine!!

ABEL AND KANE!!! part 2

I wasn't trying to say my life has turned out any better then mj's...Actually he's probably in a better place financially then i am per say..I only make under 20 bucks hourly but that's irrelevant.My point is in part one i stated that i hope my brother finds comfort..And i meant that!!I said a lot about taking it off him too!! Some might say i spoke and speak of the burden..Burdens are heavy but for me i just wasn't trying to wonder where my mom and dad had been...We used to visit my mother Tresina in an assortment of correctional facilities and i had to carry the torch for a time!!I don't come to you with explanations or pleas for acceptance or forgiveness..Im forgiven i promise you!!Im not forgiven by your golden calves but my guilt is eased by my wife's smile and my son's heart too!!You really have something when you can see into your own sons hearty and it's real to you both!!My son has forgiven me with respect and i remember when i only had a distorted definition of respect!!My son respects me for the same reason my wife does..Because they are both secure with their risk!!My number one talent in life if you ask me is my people skills...i believe you can read me..Im very readable..My wife knew my heart was pure when she was 13 years old. and some years later my son explained the politics of love to me again..He said" dad just cuz you buy me stuff and give me money doesn't mean you love me"...WOW I REMEMBER IT LIKE HE JUST RIGHT NOW SAID IT... Just don't leave us again and don't go back!!..I never left again!! Never left him...His rooms tight next to ours!!I was just earlier talking to my wife about the next year or two when he goes to college or becomes a male nurse or a computer tech?? The possibilities are endless..hahah i love that line..So ya Anyways Abel AND KANE huh? I was never trying to be better then anybody and i never was...MJ or anybody ...I just went my own way and walked a different path for a time!!Believe me i know my ties and offerings by heart..I know what i owe mj..I know what i owe my son and my wife too...I owe no doubt...I repay with pieces of my heart and i feel tired from it all but it's good to be here and penance is eternal...The prices we pay for taking the same journeys as our parents sometimes play-out for hundreds of years i am certain....I use clips of sayings that i hear to give my words a pulse....What i mean to say is you get your love back and maybe your children respect and you write and live and love and drink wine ..but there's always the end of the day...The time to sleep...This is the time for reaping....you always pay wages when you can't control your mind...your thoughts...That's all i was saying..that's what i meant to convey about MJ..I took it off him way back then because it was more for me...I think maybe i can detain it and it can die with me...right here...I hold a responsibility to let it live or die..For some people they don't carry on their parents ambitions for one reason or another...I read a blog from mj sometime ago where he revealed flashbacks of low-riding with my mom and her boyfriend way back in 73..I remember he wrote like a possessed soul and the whole story was a roller coaster of thrills because i remediable the times..I remember the smiles and the consequences.... Mj described it as a time of feeling high...feeling the effects of the marijuana smoke being passed back and fourth in my moms boyfriends impala!! Ya so i guess the reason i took the weight is so that mj didn't have to Reap the Harvest..That's something else...If you look deeply in my eyes you might see the layers...The night comes and the nightmares show up with no forgiveness!!THE WAGES OF SIN THE WAGES OF SIN!!You can't stay numb every night so on the nights when you feel good and confident and lay your head to rest with no pacifier they come!!!I sometimes wonder if it will always be this way? Will i sleep with my own conscience?Im not sure? It's worth it you know??It's worth it because i know mj can sleep....He protected me and i was uncivilized about the situations...but hey MJ can sleep..And sometimes i dream good dreams..oceans n stuff!!.to be continued...Im tired!!

ABEL AND KANE!!!

So i guess there's a time...a point in your life when you have to tell it..Or let it die forever..I guess???..So i guess im going to tell it...tell it from the start...way back...1965.. still five more years until i was alive!!.. Its good though that's when Mj was born That is when another chapter began...My brother would tell you different but i have the still-frames in my mind forever(por vida)..that's one of few Spanish phrases i picked up on during my journey but we'll get to that later..)The still-frames i have are of a proud kid who had nothing but hope!!MJ used to comb his black hair straight back!! He wanted it to look like his cousin and imaginary half brother lewis's hair!! Lewis was a handsome fellow for the 70's//Actually any time that guy would have been handsome..Mj tried to mimic his style...White t shirt khakis...the whole nine i swear it!!Like ten years later when i was 5 i was in my step cousin Lewis room while he ironed his khakis and polished his Stacy Adams and loaded his 38 special revolver..(My personal favorite memory to date)..Anyways when i was around five my brother MJ was still down..My mother was still in prison and hooked on heroin and Lewis was a GOD for us!!Mostly for MJ..Its funny how the men we idolize as children are the same nightmares our mothers brought home!!My cousin Lewis was lovely but do you remember the 38 revolver??Oh ya my cousin would show up with red roses but first im quite certain he had to check the address to remember a girlfriend or was it a funeral he brought flowers to celebrate?My mothers boyfriend were the same...one after another..Nice when they weren't dope sick but Satan every-other day or so i was told later!!Anyway MJ and Me huh? Yeah we started the SAME.. We went through it all together..At one point we chose different paths and today its no different but it better..It's bliss actually for me..I just hope my brother finds comfort...You see for along time they asked me to write this...He did too>>MJ i mean>>but we all discussed privacy..invasion?? So here i am telling it...Pulling no punches..Telling it Raw..from the beginning...back to innocence..Yessir i was an alter boy at our lady of Guadalupe in around 1981..but there's too much to tell before then..but ya i was an Alter boy too!!I guess ill start with Sammy and see how much i can take...Sammy was a heroin dealer..My moms boyfriend..My so-called step Dad..Not Father But step Dad!!We had many motels downtown by the sunset strip...My brother was already 10 years old and into all kinds of havok!! The streets were raising another angel from the los city..I remember way back then seeing the hesitation..the uncertainty..the looking around to pass the cup..and here i came...i put my hands out and took the weight from my brother..I embraced the cold world and took that shit off of him!!I knew he wasn't ready for it..It wasn't in him..He had to pass it..I remember one day some years later my brother brought home a trumpet when we were in foster care..I knew he was gone and i was doing the tour..It wasn't for him...Maybe it wasn't for me either..But hey i have some regrets...I hate when people say (i Have NO regrets) .. I myself have a few..

KISS THE CAPO GOODBYE!!

Dear sister got me twisted up in prison i miss ya...crying looking at my nieces n my nephews pictures.......I once wrote those words to my sister CJ...WOW It seems like quite some time ago but it was only 6 years ago...At the present that same niece and nephew are part of my life and i have spent the last three Christmases with them..I have since watched my niece in 3 plays...one of them was CATS..I Have fished the shores of swamis with my nephew and i don't think he understood the importance but one day he will!!When i wrote letters to my family back then it was more for me than them but Healing comes in stages!!!Writing is my private nourishment but it's funny how i let you view it???Is it??For me it's too personal not to share..Only someone with real lusts for writing can even begin to understand my madness..Lol Isn't that what the new gen says?? lol (lots of laughs)?? or (lots of love)???...??? LMAO..Laughing my ass off)...??? Writing will be the next to suffer...The newspapers are crushed daily by the net and music is a digital disaster...lol..NOT.. Not funny i mean...Its hard to laugh while watching breeds die...Generations...Oh well take a sip and see tomorrow!!

Writing!!

At some point i wanted to explain my writing from my perspective..I am not trying to impress anyone with my blog,I am not using words to show you how smart i think i am..Its actually quite the opposite.If you have read some of my previous blogs you have seen misspellings bad punctuation ...basically a blog a 3rd grader could have composed? Oh the question mark meant i wasn't sure composed or comprised belonged there?? Oh well At first i never used spell check however i have since changed that due to not wanting my word to be unreadable..Ok so when i read other peoples blogs{I read a few others}I tend to stop reading within a paragraph because most of the time i think a lot of writers spend 90 percent making everything look so neat and worded right ect,ect that i am to bored to read on..The evolution of writing is going to be my favorite thing since Star Wars!!I can sit here and give you pros and cons about both types of writing however im just going to ramble a little raw writing slash blogging for the next 30 minutes or so and if your here to read then you already get it!!Ok so last night i was going to a show with my 16 almost 17 yr old son!! My sons time is split between his mother in another state and myself.Id say he lives here 9 months a year and the rest he flies to the cold weather to have time with his mother and her family.So when the time draws near for him to get ready for departure and fly to the cold weather state for a few months I always try to have an Event scheduled before he leaves..I was off on a Friday but that's a whole different story.I wont bore you don't worry..So i was off and had the concert at 7 to look forward to. The usual rituals were ran through as in any preparation for Big Events..Getting clothes ready plans together grooming i even sprayed my newest cologne on for the night!Some of my pre- Event rituals are private however not to far from some of my readers i assume? Slamming a beer..Shots ect ect..Maybe a smoke or two? routine stuff we do as regular people..Ok so we got all cleaned up and proceeded to head downtown to the House of Blues for the Event!!If you have seen or know my son personally then the way to describe his style is Preppy hip hop i would call it?? He's Into a form of rap music but it's nothing most of us have seen on mtv or anything ridiculous i mean it's mostly underground small label music..I like some of it but mostly tolerate it in small amounts..My musical taste is everything from the Smiths to Bob Dylan to Kings of Leon to Ottis Redding to Tupac...I love music and my son does too..He relates to the urban neighborhood struggle type of rap for the time being but that will evolve soon!!Ok so back to The house of Blues show!! We were headed to see a few artists mostly DJ'S and i heard a San Fransisco bay are rapper might show up since he was doing a show later at 4th and B. We were driving through downtown and my wife dropped us off front and center and we proceeded to have a night of fun!!The line was long..We walked along side the line and as we walked our excitement dwindled..I looked at my son and saw his disappointment all over his face!! We walked more and looked at the crowd forming and it was the first time i have felt so uncomfortable at what was supposed to be a party atmosphere..I think that's actually the problem though,It was about the party not the music.We stood in the line which by now had tripled and the fans i guess you'd call them walked and talked all around us!! their were 5 or 6 teenage girls inline behind us and they were all talking out load about where's the best place to hide their xtacy.There was a heavy presence of pierced faces and glow sticks and all that jazz and i couldn't care less about any of it i am not bothered by appearances i was just in awe of all the xtacy and drug talk and exchange all around us..My son at one point said to me"i hate all this xtacy and these fools all lost on that shit"..I said watch your mouth but yes i agree!! Their was a heavy presence of security who reprimanded a lot of these kids and told them several times various things would not be let inside..Candy necklaces ..bottled water blunts ect.. This girl a few years younger then my son was complaining her acid was melting in her hiding spot and she was worried the security would find it again..Again??drugs and stuff have been around forever but 3 out of 5 of these girls had braces still..I thought maybe i was just getting to old for this but then checked myself cuz we are never to old for shows and music..I myself plan to see shows when im one foot in the grave no maybees..It makes you feel old but then what was i to say when even a 16 yr old kid is uncomfortable??When i was in my early twenties some of the shows i saw were later 80's groups or 90's whatever..I remember being at NWA in San berdu once and their was some fights and i heard one person even got shot in the parking lot...Troublesome i tells ya!! Some of those gangster rap concerts i evaded because of the violence ya know??Nowadays when my wife and i go see shows like street scene or the fray or coldwar kids or silversun or MIA recently..We have great fun and the crowds are usually awesome... I see drinking and some Marijuana smoke here and there but Last night the whole crowd was so high on xtacy the show was really in the line...We never made it in the doors last night to see the show it was sold out by the time we got up there but we'd already seen enough..Enough glow sticks ,candy necklaces enough 14 yr old dropping x right out where everyone could see how cool they are!! When it was our time people took some drugs to feel the effects right? Now i see all these kids on display doing whats popular just for the cool kids to see them..Who are the cool kids now?? When we were younger the cool kids might of smoked and drank and even partake in recreational drug use but then they went on to work careers or go to school or get in trouble get out and move on or things of that way...Now we have these cool kids that do the damage at a young age and most of this damage is irreversible??I looked behind me before we left and saw 3 girls still standing there all three had very high tech cell-phones and colored braces and trendy handbags...I kept thinking This is the Generation that is going to fix us??The future decision makers? These kids came from money you could see it!!They will be future employees all around us? I read a blog from my bro earlier where he stated his wife is worried about classrooms having 30 kids next year and his daughter falling through the cracks..He wasn't worried though cuz he's taken the responsibility to ensure enough at home teaching for any worry to take place..My wife is an inner city elementary school teacher whom will have 30 kids in her class next year..She explained to me how in her same school district the nicer area school has a music program computer lab ect ect ..These things don't exist in inner city low income area elementary schools anymore.You didn't know? Well why would you??Libraries?? No library at her school..However there is one thing that is the Same...The expectancy of high test scores has the same expectations at her school as the one down the road with the nice computers and stuff//Those kids have laptops desktops i-phones and are the future masters of the universe..The parents at the schools in the same district give money to a pot to fund those programs but don't want it distributed equally among the whole district in fear of money going to the lower income area schools!!Most of my wife's kids in her second grade class are Spanish speakers..They can barely spell their own name..She is expected to keep them at pace with the schools down the road who are all taught well at home and have tools to assist when the reality in her schools neighborhood is free lunch cards and a money pot for programs is laughable..The parents cant even afford backpacks..I guess i have a few points here.. My first is don't not worry about the 30 plus class size ..It affect you...Like the x-tacy crowd we witnessed being our future leaders well so are these inner city low income schools..Well alot of parents don't want to support these innercity schools or the schools teachers in hopes it won't affect them but it does..These low income kids some of them will move on go to college and will be appearing in a neighborhood close to you so Stay tuned!!Just like some parents don't want to deal with these lower income kids well some of us parent don't want to fathom those kids with their colored braces glow sicks and xtacy running our state or world God forbid..I hear a lot of people stating how they do this and that and they have all kinds of stuff to say but what are they saying?? who's listening?? If i sound uptight in my writings it's cuz i am!! I don't know who these kids are and who we are as parents??we want the best for our kids education ect??What i see is people want their nest to be safe and comfortable so we can sit here at our computers and blog about BS ,We want to make our self worth look more important then it is..We cry about teachers getting the shaft but but do nothing when certain schools are in crisis..We come here or there and write our opinions!! We hope someone will read our pleas..Or do we? Do we just come here and lay out a beautiful looking well scripted blog and pour out our hearts then go off to golf 18 holes or get a massage//The ladder actually sounds good..My lower backs killing me from sitting here writing this poetry!!I know my blog might bug you and piss a few people off..it's ok you know ho pissed off my wife will be next year when her classroom jumps to thirty second graders??Don't trip she wont be as pissed as you or i would be..Or will she??

Wages !!

It's hard for me to grasp the things that transpire around me...I have been around bad men and criminals a big part of my life...I broke bread with everyone form drug traffickers to killers...My time spent in correctional facilities put me in the presence of evil ...however i have never been this close to a Monster... Last weekend my wife spent with search parties searching for Chelsea...In fact last Saturday morning i sat here on amazon ordering a stun-gun for my wife...We live in suburbia and these things aren't supposed to happen here...These things aren't supposed to happen anywhere!! These little boxes are mostly a wave of starter families and first time home buyers...Our little boxes are surrounded by golf courses and tennis courts..My wife often walks laps at the little park outside our balcony and now she has to carry a stun gun???When they made an announcement last Sunday that they arrested This Monster who was suspected in taking one of our children from us i had a terrible feeling... I stood in silence as i watched the news say this so called mans prior record and i turned to my wife and tried to talk through my tears and stated.."i have a bad feeling".. A day or two went by and I was standing in my office.. I swallowed and typed in Chelsea latest news San Diego...The rest was a blur...A body had been found at 2:30 pm right where my wife's search party had been for 3 days.....The local sheriff made his statement and i looked at my co-worker and he said "i am going home to my wife and kids bro i can't be here right now"...I said i know and text-ed my wife...she text-ed back and said she'd already heard...The next 5 or six hours didn't seem real...Like my wife said when she'd returned from the search party Saturday!!"this seems like a movie...but it's not..Its real and its here where we live...A gathering was supposed to happen down on palmerado road that night to raise spirits and talk about the continuing search..Now it was to be a vigil the first of many goodbyes...My wife and i walked down to where thousands of people stood with candles...It was completely silent and cars drove by and looked at us with silent expressions and we mostly cried a lot....We walked and thought about how this surreal scene was real!!Ok so i painted a picture of what happened last week right down the street from our house.. and the sight where Chelsea parked her car before this monster took her..well the rec center just a week before me and my son went to break dancing practice with some friends only days before...So i sat here to write today but i wasn't trying to write a sad paragraph and sign off...I actually wanted to say how if this monster would have done this to my wife or my sister or niece...i'd kill him...or i would call on old prison ties to deal with him in prison but in reality here i'd be just like Chelsea s parents..sitting in silence wondering when i would awake from this nightmare and move on...You see i have been in many prisons for many years and the laws our forefathers created don't work the way they intended...Our laws protect monsters.. These so called men dropout of society and choose ulterior judgment but the law won't allow them to be judged by the world they choose..No instead these monsters get protective custody and you flip the bill for their next 40 yrs while they watch cable protected our laws!!I don't understand? help me get this..When i was incarcerated i chose to join a click and when in violation of set rules i was dealt with by the world i chose...See where im going with this guys n gals??Anyways i didn't write today to sit here and cry more and make you sad too...I am just writing for Chelsea and letting her know this isn't going to be accepted!! We are not trying to stand here and let these monsters take our daughters and children and do these things...My wife says Chelsea will be the start of change!!! Im sickened she had to be taken for people to listen!!! I sit here feeling better then a few days ago where all i felt is stunned...If you read my blog before you know im no angel...I have rolled with gangsters 90 percent of my life and have seen much evil...I have since evolved and try to be someone my son can respect for the right reasons now.. and it's not easy as it may seem...when someone respects you for different reasons its hard to make them change their views just because you have...I guess most would say i have made a positive change because of my wife's influence? Well its mostly true however mostly i separated paths because i couldn't promote negativity anymore..I have no excuses anymore..I have read many books and lived long enough to say im educated to a point..As i evolve i hate what i represented even the more..It's not that this tragedy happened here in pleasant ville The point is this cant happen anymore..we can't continue to not evolve in our laws as well as our hearts...With evolving comes change...Its time we change these laws!!! Chelsea we SEE you...the whole world sees you now..It's time for CHANGE!!

SHELTERING THOMAS

As a parent we try and protect our children right? We learn it from our parents.our friends parents, or maybe we just see it on television?? When my son was first born i surrounded my house with childproof everything!!! I installed a car seat i did it all!!But that's not what this is about...My son is 16 now and next year hes a senior..That's when it hit me...My wife and i were talking the other night about my son graduating high school and i went back in my head across the years of his life...I was considering sending my son to a regular high school for his senior year!!My teen years and young adult hood were scattered with violence gang-banging and prison...One day when i had been in prison about 5 years already some guy i was talking to on the yard saw a picture on my wall and said he knew that kid...That kid i said is my son Tommy Jr!! The guy who said he knew my son from the street said he was Pauls brother..a fellow gang member and soldier in the same prison click as myself! Over the next hour or so the guy told me street stories and said how at many of these events my son was in the vicinity..more of an observer my son was as he at the time was around 11 yrs old!!The guy said my son was a good kid and looked forward to having my son be part of the hood..The team..The click!! I felt sick!!Over the next few hours i shot out letters to everyone in my gang n made threats along with promises all in hopes of deterring anyone from putting my lil Tommy on the hood..aka jumping him into the same bullshit that was killing my life as well as 100's of lives inside the very walls that contained my violence!!I had horrible visions of my son sitting where i was at that time in life...sitting there in silence...waiting for a war to spark...for a visit...for a letter....for some drugs to flood the cell blocks...Over the next few weeks i received letters saying a blanket was placed on my sons well being and he wouldn't be jumped in unless i either gave permission or died!! at that point the buzzards would circle!! I used to get visits regularly from my son while i journeyed down my plight!! I would tell my son one thing and he would watch me do another... I remember when the judge handed down 12 yrs and 6 years consecutive the first face i turned to was my sons..he was all of 5 or 6 at the time and i remember smiling when he threw up the neighborhood with his fingers as they drug me back to my cell!!So here we are..My son like i said before is 16..i have since given up the gang life and all that it entails..My son will graduate next year with a class of 2010 students hes never seen..never been in a classroom with...never met before..My son has many friends..One is actually real...I don;t approve of his one friend but what am i to do??protect him from his one real friend too?? ya see my son goes to school online ..his social network is all online..he is shy and has almost no sun on his face unless i can drag him out fishing or some family event!! he grew up on x-box live and virtual networks on the web!!At times i am so fucking glad hes not a gang member or a drug addict...I look at his gentle demeanor and it settles my heart that he's a good boy..He has almost no life and no girlfriends and no vitamin d in his life!!I have done everything in my life to protect him from the Ugly things Ive witnessed in the lifestyle i lived for way too long!!My family members have many opinions on my sons well being and the consensus is the concern for his social behavior or lack there of may be detrimental...I thought i was protecting him from becoming me..I don't know how his life will go? I always thought i was being a father..a protective father.....When i stare into my sons eyes i feel guilt.. i see stress and i feel awful...other times i see his good heart and i feel really good!!Well his life is almost his own now..I mean he's a year away from adulthood!!! I hope one day he knows i tried to save him!!!!

TAPAS

Yes sir!! this here is an appetizer.Its like a preview..I've thought about the whole wedding thing and i am going to go through the events one by one..Trust me it will not bore you..Ill run you through the beers that were passed around in my hotel room across the street of where me n my bride met 17 yrs prior..Ill tell you about when i pulled up for 3 days at the beach wedding of ours i hit the parking lot and my dads Mercedes was parked in the lot and when i looked inside to see if this was his car i gazed at cases upon cases of foreign beers..All for the big day!!I had no idea my dad would be there at the hotel all weekend and our wedding would be above the hotel in a beautiful garden overlooking the ocean!! Ill tell of the adjoining shanty below however still connected to the hotel that i sat in with my dad all day into the night before...Tequila shots n Guinness on tap..Yes the day before i got married me n my dad drank n talked n praised each others journeys...Ill never forget it and the next day i married the best girl God created so you know the stories gonna be good!!! Ill be back!!!I shall finish the game!!That was a reference to one of my favorite recitals by Emilios rendition of Billie the kid telling a hypothetical story....# Guys are sitting aroun playing poker and a man runs into the room and says the worlds on fire its all going to burn and explode in just a few short hours...The first cowboy stand and says"I gotta get home n say by to my children!! The next cowboys stands and says "I gotta get to the saloon n get stinky liquored up buy 3 whores and have a hella of a time..They both look at the third cowboy still sitting and ask"what are you gonna do Billie???Well sir billy states.I shall finish the GAME!!!.....I SHALL FINISH THE GAME!!!

AMERICAN ME!!!!

When i was little i used to stand behind my big brother and hide myself from the bad guys!!!I'm not sure where or what part of the city of angels we lived in at the time..You really cant call it where we lived because mostly what i remember is different motels around the downtown area..Ive heard stories of living in Baldwin park echo park or wherever..I don't remember!!I mostly remember hiding behind mj so my moms boyfriends couldn't hurt me...I remember being scared when they my mom and her boyfriend left to go find heroin id be worried she wouldn't come back but her boyfriends would!!MJ was older then me and therefore he already had friends around the hoods of east los.. Or wherever..I would mostly watch his little friends and him playing around..trying to act tough...following the Chicano patterns set forth by our surroundings...This was our path...Mj hopped off the path early in life..I however kept it close.I remember our mom dressing us like cholos and when we would visit my uncle they'd shake their heads at our attire...One day some years later after a lengthy prison term my mom walked out of prison released on parole and i looked at her attire..khakis pendelton even a bandanna..I remember MJ being embarrassed for her but i thought she looked cool..I wanted to be like her...I wanted to be like her loser boyfriends with their two buttons buttoned and their bandanna pulled low to hide their bloodshot eyes!!I even wanted to go to prison and see what it was all about.. so anyway here i am 20 yrs later ..Moms been deceased form a overdose, ive spent chunks of my life in prisons ..my body is a canvas of prison tattoos...Mj is good he's a manager for a company somewhere in the city of angels..As for how my life turned out..Its really good..Ive been out of prison 3 yrs now.. i live in a quiet neighborhood with my beautiful new bride...I have a son who's a gentle soul..im a shipping manager at a small company...I finally hopped of the path MJ hopped off way earlier then me..I guess i had to know...to see it and live it for myself...It was part of my family part of who i am...I'M here today and I'M happy..Im not a bad guy or a tuff guy or a Chicano..I'm an American!!!