convictionz of a writer!!!!

The Gangster the Killer & the Dope Dealer......

2011-11-16T20:40:00.000-08:00

One time i was at my dad's house back in 08' & my stepmother brought out a book she'd just written...a poetry book...She's brilliant on a poetic scale...Anyway i read a poem called the Gangster the killer n the Dope dealer....I knew it was about me even when she said it wasn't...even if she comments my blog which she often does i will still believe she was referring to her stepson..Yours truly....

SLIM-SHADY!!

2011-11-04T19:07:00.000-07:00

I mostly just call him Slim....Or 4sean...Back in the day man we used to do whatever for the dollars man..We got it too..We was living that life ya know..Ended us two up in Prison doing some bids man for real...We was cell by cell up in HDSP in the hole for a long time too ..We was all we had....After a while they shipped us back to the 303 to do some more lengthy sentences..Had to render to Cesar what was Cesar's ya feel me??One time when we first went to prison we had to ride on some young cat and of course we fucked it all up man..we missed the hit dude got past us in the cell and we threw a few punches but did no real damage..We lived for that shit back then...a few months after being in the hole i got it right the next time i ran up in a cell with bad intentions...This time Slim watched from the upper tier cuz we had different free time then..Some snitch was in there & everyone was scared but i ran in play-as cell & straight threw heaters...bet that!!Wasn't long before i talked to my OGC homies back home and told them Slim was joining up..Neighborhood struggle slash prison gang-life escalated..Slim n me got our Set struck up on forearms back arms & wherever..We was proud of our Tatts on the yard..So anyhow man years passed alotta different prisons ensued and many tatts followed...We never hit a yard together in our own State but we stayed in contact..I loved it in there for awhile you know?When i left in 06 i weighed 225 & was benching 365 3 times easily...I had a N tatted over my eyebrow & 3 dots there too to rep OGC....I hit the bricks and it was sum gangster shit from jump...you can refer to older blogs here for details...I was paroled to the Nutty blocks & it was on!! I talked to slim once or twice from some crib i was selling dope from & mostly all i could offer him was an ounce or two of work :(I remember he said he wasn't with it & i thought to myself (The Pen got to my homie)I thought maybe the hommies didn't embrace him in there..So anyways how far life takes you huh??I was googling from one of my work computers at my desk &ran across a company and it's SEO's picture..It looked an awful lot like Slim..I browsed around & saw that it was him...Slim got a BA in a related field and worked hard to have a real life for himself and his family..i saw him on a TV show giving an interview about his company...I browsed harder and found his resume with Cell phone # attached..Of course i called...It was awkward a little because before we was just some little gangsters into gangster shit...I'm sure he was Leary of me too...He didn't know i had given up the gang-life and removed my facial tattoos and was married with children too..I'm a manager at the #1 prototype company in CALI too..(MY CLAIM TO FAME LOL)But all this shit matters man..We both made it...I'm so proud he didn't follow that gang bullshit lifestyle i could just cry...But i wont...Naw man i shall celebrate life...He doesn't know about the things that have happened but that's the past..I wanted to tell him how my next cellmate i roomed with for years who was from NSM a rival of our click but a true bro of mine got murdered 1 month after he paroled...Or how the lil homie Setrip got shot in the head a few years back..Or how the big homie Menace got stabbed up bad in Bueny then came to my yard and we was in a full war with 16 block that spilled onto the streets and i too was injured in the war..But you know what fuck all that..Lil Randy's doing life along with Munchies and Col-ton and allot of others...That was their choices and Slim chose a different path...He chose life..that means something man.. it's easy to give up and go back back to prison and stay in the hood life...I think Slim has some reservations about me cuz i should a done more for him but i was caught up in the that LIFE BACK THEN...intoxicated BY THAT LIFE YA KNOW SLIM?? from the pictures i have seen slim has a great family and children and job and life's different today....We got older and became responsible..hey it's better then the alternative.We could be doing life behind them walls getting more tatts gang banging well into our 60;s if we didn't get killed in the next 5 minutes or so..It's cool with me if Slim doesn't come around anymore because i know he's OK now...He don't need me anymore he's all grown up...I feel good about it..I once watched him get our hood tatted on his arm and i was smiling...Just like I'm smiling right now!!!Slim will always be my brother whether we pass the blunt back and fourth again listening to UGK or not...We had and will always have a bond that's like WHOA!!

NINE-22-11

2011-09-22T20:04:00.000-07:00

Today i decided to write about it...Life man..you cant contain it or really plan it..It's life..And yes It scares me...It scares me some...I wrote not long ago about how life around here is waiting to breathe again and yes it's even closer...i can almost smell her...I vision 2am nights standing over Elisa's crib watching life...Few things in my life have been this good.Tommy and Sara are my best additions to what i brought to the James trilogy!!And when i say trilogy i mean our family tree...The Wolf pack joined us and we are strong today...I feel with my daughter there's new hope.....James's are an honorable bunch but maybe the unity will bring us a...hold up man I'll continue this after i pour a drink..reboot...roll-up ..YOU KNOW!!

THE CLASSIC LIFE!!

2011-08-05T20:01:00.000-07:00

I don't think you can hide from what you truly LOVE!!I was looking in my closet the other day for some shorts appropriate for work.I took out two pair of Dickie's shorts.I asked myself are these work appropriate?? I remember when dickies represented something else to me....I re associate thing nowadays however thanks to my best friends advice...She said re associate things...That classic life will never lose it's glare for my memory though!!I'm not sure what era is most responsible but i am certain the classics mostly have deep roots!!When we were about 2 yrs old my uncle mark had a fair lane dropped on fat boys with shaved doorhandles and teardrops ...I have heard they let him cruise it in the early 70's in La Puente's yearly City Parade!!Today that car would symbolize some gangster hip hop low rider affiliation!!Same with the Dickes i guess too...But not for me..They represent the working guy like me who has Dickies in the weekly lineup.I know there's allot of people who feel the same about things.I guess for a young 40 yr old im just old school...I mean i still love Mafia movies and good taste in clothes and even Cadillacs..It pisses me off to the core that everything i love has different associations but i just had to stop and re associate things and love things for what they are to me not what they are to people who want things for different reasons...I was like 5 yrs old and MJ was probably ten..I remember having the top buttons on our shirts buttoned and and our size small slingshots on underneath with khakis on and we fit in...We were amongst friends in those clothes and my biggest fears are not being comfortable in the clothes I'm in right now...It's just changed now you know?Mostly Golf shirts and an occasional dress shirt... Mostly anyways!!I come here and talk shit about the classic days and if you feel me you do if not maybe I'll get to you later...I often revisit my past and get it out...I was at a Reggae show with my wife and son who's 18 and heard some young attractive girl who was all but throwing it at my son say something peculiar...She told my son she knew he was all gangster It makes me feel like a Monster that i was behind my son and i for once glimpsed the Gangster he reflects...Until he speaks that is...He's actually a gentle giant but like some of the old Classics he still clings to that classic life!!!I guess it's unexplainable to describe how i once wanted my son to be Marlo like...I mean you know running a crew in the North side im certain and you know really make a go at them Quiggs(North sides biggest housing projects in Denver) or something big like that.When i got out of the Joint myself however i couldn't have my son on that path man...This past week he was at dental school tours and seeking some refuge in the Navy perhaps and i couldn't be prouder...I often stop to write about how far we have evolved from our prior role models of our youth!!Before all the ratting on each other and witness protection and the Crack era and Boyz in the Hood we just had the Classic life!!!

POETRY POWER & PACIFIERS

2011-05-21T12:12:00.000-07:00

I was asking myself the other day..could you do what he did? I want to believe I could but I'm not 100% on the question..Dad, uncle, Mom's brother...all in the same to me.There's people that either step up or don't when the times are tough.My dad stepped up and took his sister's sons in when she got into her trouble...He had a young daughter and wife of his own with a serious brain tumor but he moved over...He made room for me & Mj...So the other day I asked myself, "could you do that?" I always say I would take in any of my family's kids, should tragedy strike, but I'm not sure if I mean it...I'm not my DAD...I want to have a heart as good as his but that comes with a lot of sacrifice..That's what defines family - though Sacrifice!!My Dad could have just as well went down his sister's path for indeed it was the 70's...My birth father was already probably 4 yrs into a life sentence in some prison someplace in California's great rehabilitation process..But anyways like I was saying, my uncle took us in and tried to do what all young dads do..Little league sprinkled with a little religion on Sundays and camping trips every summer..I never bought into any of it at the time for I was one to seek Power..not real power but more of a watered down neighborhood struggle. A kind of power which I observed all over my mother...Boy when she first came home from prison on parole, even my toughest friend, Kevin, was swallowing deep when she got out of the car...Anyhow I spent way too many years of my life chasing that illusion...when I myself was in prison 15 yrs later, I even achieved some status amongst men of her world..I heard a slew of things from counselors, parole officers, judges, lawyers etc...The money isn't real, the power is liquid ...I mean like American Idol liquid...Not real Idols and definitely not real power there I'm certain..It's all liquid...So maybe false power or religion or what not are just forms of Pacifiers we use then throw out or maybe acquire new ones? The jury's still out on the matter for me..I guess when I think of my Dad having lost his young bride to that brain tumor..having been laid off of his profession a mere few years before retirement ensuing a roller coaster of events including losing his James family home, which to us was an oasis..I picture him nowadays sitting in his condo in Arizona down by the lake on the golf course and I say, "Is that what we get??" Did I struggle from almost nothing to almost something for that? Do I get out of bed for work everyday to go hit the time clock so that I too may end up in the desert 6 hours from my grand kids and sons and daughter?? I picture my dad looking at the TV guide on his flat-screen to see which ballgames coming on next...Last time I was out there to visit him a few months ago, I watched him scroll on his computer we set up so he can get more sports channels..I looked around and my Dad looked older...He sat in his chair and I asked myself could I do what he did for this???I sat back on his couch and watched time slow...I looked as he glanced at the time with no place to go..I fought emotion back as I looked over at my own beautiful wife..I put my head back, closed my eyes and reminisced on our past life..The sacrifices my Dad made for nothing more then the plight of GOOD...So today when I ask myself if I could..my answer is, I would!! I added a little rhyme for the definition of poetry as what it means to me..Poetry is more powerful then pistols, which was almost the 3rd word in the title of this blog but I felt like having a title that's up to date...Life's waiting to breathe again around here..Remember if you Believe you can achieve and be like him..I picture 20 yrs from now, me sitting in my Dad's chair on some golf course watching any game I want thanks to our vast world of technology...I picture my wife working in the garden, so maybe not the desert for us, but it makes me smile anyway...I think it's a great payoff..My Dad may not be where he wanted to be in his golden years but it could be way worse..It could be Victorville for Christ sake..Just kidding..well Kinda.

HARD WIRED!!!

2010-12-16T20:02:00.000-08:00

On the radio i heard this talk show host say he's has to work at it to be a good person....As for me well ya i buy it....I have to work some too...It's hard at the good times and that's why i write about it..My sons graduating from high school this June and i can't go!!..My ignorant sporadic past has brought me here....About 3 days or so ago my sons mama brought me down from my cloud and reminded who i am....not what i am but who i was when i progressed.. When i left that life per say??Ya the holidays are a celebration but also time the tongue is loose...it seems if i attend my son's grad night other forces that be may have the upper hand...Talk im sure but it's about my son..it's his day...i can't taint that night...he'd be proud either way but im trying to wIn HIM over still you see??Our paths must be righteous from here on out do you understand??It's hard to sell a righteous plight with a scattered past...Anyways im exhausted..I really am...I just wanted to come here and tell you its burns me inside that my sons cap and gown will be thrown in the air but i will only see it on an email or you tube at best... But hey...you gotta give it your best im told...you know i mean what's the alternative???Letting em know who you are???Well WHO ARE YOU THEN???i LOVE MY SON....WE ARE ALMOST AT THE FINISH LINE T...AND THEN THERE'S ANOTHER RACE....BUT LET'S JUST GET THROUGH THIS ONE OKAY BABY BOY???

YOUR FREE WITH ME!!

2010-10-17T16:54:00.000-07:00

You have no idea how many people depend on you for a lifeline.....Many Many people know how lovely you are and therefore want 2 bid for your time...Hence the discomfort you feel when you can't make a date or event every time...Your friends are really your family too and they want your time as much as i do...as much as relatives do2..The people you grace well I'll just say were lucky...I'm the luckiest cuz ur mine...I have a huge chunk of your time and im thankful for that....since almost 20 years ago when i got in line for your time..well i hope u can see how much i could love only you...there's really always been you and i am with u everyday....

He Got Out!!

2010-10-06T21:27:00.000-07:00

So a few times a year my son fly's back to his home town and spends time with his other side of the family....Im restless during these transitions...I don't sleep as good when my sons not in the room next to mine...I miss the little thud of bass i so often complain about when he's here but i miss it at these times..Here come the trials..The tests...The parties and the 17 year old adolescent drinking...My son..well i almost said he;s no angel but trust me he's angelic i promise you...his smiles infectious if you saw it your concur...Anyways when my boy goes home it's nerve racking...The other side of his family is caught up in that life still ya know???along with that comes old friendships ..like my sons best friend and recent catcher of a bullet with his name on it...Look like mickey i don't want to get biblical in a place like this but hear my reasons...My son went to his best friends and son of one of my old gangster pals kid 18th birthday last Saturday night ...When i put him on a plane Saturday morning i told him how much i loved him first then said ..here comes the bullshit..I said ...Son...If there's a situation jumping off and your headed there get out of it however you have to...So here i am Weds day a week later...His mom called me and said my son (a high school senior)..Well he called at 2am Sunday morning and said he didn't know exactly where he was cuz he had been in a car with friends but asked them to let him out when he'd had enough..Was he drinking??Yes certainly..he's 17 and fueled by hormones and x-box..just kidding bout the x-box!!Okay then i just wanted to share about how my son got out of the car before continuing to go on down a wrong path..Where d ya think he learned him that folks??I feel like a bad parent when writing about my sons high school night of drinking...But hey he got out of the car and called someone to come get him...Everyday is like Sunday!!

Tired Violence!!

2010-10-01T22:50:00.000-07:00

Im not even sure what that title means yet...Tired of it though most certain!!I was a little more LIVID this morning about my belief in all i see but then i write some..When i write things i teach myself some lessons..I just get tired you know??It's October so i guess its my release day!!This month was supposed to be a celebration but instead it's my nightmare....It's my mothers month and every year it takes another piece...She been gone since 86 so you'd think id have armor...I don't man...i am brittle..I always tell myself ever year u wont feel it...but i do...i can't help it ...i cant let go yet... I mean part of me let sum go when i poured out my heart to my best friend on PCH coming back from la bra...but im still shell shocked...Trisena was taken from me in 1986 and October still remains hollow...but it's better now then before i guess..I sat at my desk today thinking and stressn about my stress and my heart was crying.....It's not about you Tommy ray today's her day...It is to...It's my MOMS day every year this time...Recently i heard everything i love will die...I don't believe em though...My mother will never be fully gone....My son knows her well even though he's never met her... my wife and brother know her too al though only my brother remembers her...She was lovely i cant tell you..i am thankful i was given some years with her to carry her spirit..My brother frowns on religion but i play the odds ...lol...Ok so im mostly done here but before i go just let me say this...My mother Trisena....Something good came from my mom...her Sons and daughter n laws and grandchildren are out here really doing it..making a difference...Shhhhhhhhiiiiiiiiitt man my nieces and nephews are close to buddah...my wife's taught Kids to learn without test scores....My sister in law manages a dept and a two year old James kid...You feel me??Yep my mothers family is here tonight....I made it through the day ma and your birthday is the night before we are bewitched....I will be in full costume you already know...Alright then October 30th..kit's a date..I will bring another bottle..I love you mom!!!

CONNECTIONS!!

2010-09-23T19:52:00.000-07:00

I've many times wanted to write a book about sayings that I've heard and elaborate on each to see how it makes us feel?? The things people say or write have many interpretations..Let me ramble off a few of my favorites I've heard one time or another.One time i heard someone say"My time away just made perfection"situations mold us into evolving states and that's something to look forward too i think.Another favorite saying of mine is I often wish that i could save the world ..but im a dreamer"Gods word ain't no hustle". O that's a great one and im not even religious i swear im not!!some of the songwriting I've heard in my life time o forget about it don't even get me started...I promise i will elaborate more but first allow me a little room to ramble...it's just my way...Ok back to a few lyrics then are you for real?Three that come to mind right now are "Everyday is like Sunday" Can you imagine a life where the day before you go back to work is actually more bliss then a Friday to the working class??How about "do you love Mozart?"I do love Mozart and not even my wife knows this about me because it's too emotional to go through...If you get it you get it if not try to get there....I implore you to try...So lastly i guess ill end with a rap verse..."Even the genius asks questions"...I don't partake in too much rap these days but i listen to words so ya i guess i hear it some...Asking questions elevates your knowledge and most of us will never achieve genius in book smarts or mathematical equations but in life we may achieve Machiavellian status...Even if we don't we tried for it...There was a time i couldn't have cared less about trying to save the world but when i came to actually give up some things then i opened myself up to receive so much..
It may have started with the love shown to me by a dog named pepper??I remember back about 8 years ago when i was in the prisons dog program and the first dog i trained (pepper) The day they gave him his training certificate and released him to his owners was a new day for me...They came into my cell block and leashed him up and lead him away...I was a 215 pound muscled up tattooed up prison gang affiliated bad-guy and i cried like a 5 year old who missed the school bus on the first day of school..I remember thinking remember who you are Thomas remember everyone's watching...they act like there not but all eyes are on you...the guards couldn't wait to tell their friends and the inmates stories would be mythical for decades....well maybe not decades but i too seek to be immortalized...For me it started there and "I've come to realize so much...oh I've come so far but got so long to go!!See there's another great saying..I revel in accomplishing understanding even on remedial levels...Some might think it's just plain stupid that a dog could be sent to change a man...Well to them i say maybe Gods word is no hustle?...It's just one theory??No seriously though Words especially when coupled by brilliant partners i believe truly can move mountains...Mountains are nothing more then obstacles ..."my time away just made perfection"When i hear that it makes we feel waves of emotion...Kinda like when i heard Mozart for the first time...Or when i touched A Monet painting in real life...You couldn't understand unless you could.......Maybe you do.. or maybe you will.. It's achievable and i agree that it's better to listen more then talk but that's just me saying so...

GERALDINE

2010-05-17T17:59:00.000-07:00

About 98% of what i write or say i have taken from someone else..Some book,Movie,Song ect ect..So anyways i have for about the past year liked this song i had heard sometime back..In this song the guy is talking about basically being there for someone and at the end he calls himself a social worker...Anyhow i just the other day purchased the song and have since been replaying it in my car on my computer ..In my mind the lyrics roll over and over...At the beginning of this song i like the guy states "ill be there when you decide to AVENGE your soul...So lets begin there shall we?? My main goals in life are to repair things and be admirable...Alot of people tell me to just forget the past and move forward...So when i come here to talk i also explain why i do what i do...Yesterday was a Sunday and i mostly was putting together a home theater system and having a few beers and eating manudo "a pastime favorite of mine...its helps the weak stomach" Anyways i was putting together wires and stuff and trying to figure out dmi or hdmi or hd or whatever and just kind of going along easily through my day..My wife was at the coffee shop doing her school work and i was home by myself for the most part.My cousin who shares the same christian name as me was going to stop by in awhile and i was happy cuz i hadn't seen him in about 4 months...So around 4pm i guess my wife came home and i was showing her the new home entertainment setup. I was a good four beers into my day when my cousin showed up and usually when we see each-other we drink most of the alcohol in the county that night..Just kidding but what i mean to say is we go through some beers while we catch up on life stories and work and whatnot.We tend to go back and fourth from the living room to the balcony where my cousin can take a smoke or two and we can talk about the old times and not offend anyone too much...Most of the old days he remembers i was like 15 or 16 and either going to commit a crime coming from committing a crime or thinking about a crime..He still to this day idolizes that nonsense..He always reminds me of stories where i would flash guns around in front of him or maybe take him along for car thefts or in the later years i would show up in Vegas where he lived and we would have suites at the mirage and i would come flashing all the spoils of my criminal lifestyle..He was even there the night before i got the big indictment that sent my ass off to prison for many many years...So anyways we were out there on the balcony yesterday kicking around some stories of the past and he was telling me of a bar fight he;d been in sometime back where my dad was present at the time..Him and my dad were watching the NFL one Sunday and some loudmouth started a fight and my cousin threw some punches and i heard my dad even chased some guy down the parking lot...hahahah That's a funny picture cuz my dad is a super nice guy who probably hasn't had to be tough since his high school days but what are you gonna do my cousin was in a fight so the chaos brushed against my dad for a minute..Well as my cousin told me this story i sipped a swig of my beer and said"Whats wrong with you punching some guy with my dad there?" "Whats the matter with you i asked?" My cousin put out his cigarette and said whats wrong with me?? what would you have done if some guy started a fight in front of your father at a bar and said some disrespectful things to your dad too??Ill tell you what he said..You would have shot the guy...We laughed about it for a few and talked a little more then proceeded to just play x-box drink a few more beers and call it a late night...This is where i am with this...When my cousin first said those words "you would have shot the guy" We both laughed but it was uncomfortable and the alcohol dulls the senses so it mostly slid off me until later..I was driving to work this morning and started to laugh about my cousins story and while i laughed a hot tear ran down my face then another and another then no more...I listened to my new song and when i heard the guy say i will be there when you decide to avenge your soul..Well lets just say i understood many things today....I explained before how the guy in the song calls himself a social worker...That's what i want to be..Your social worker..Not as a profession or anything but more like the ones the word itself remind me of..Maybrit..One of my many step-parents who's profession i recently learned was that of a social worker..That's how i came to her for the short time i was with her ...i believe i was around 5 or 6 when she took me in and tried to adopt me..I hadn't heard form her again until about 25 years later which would be last summer i believe...I found her and she's 86 years young and when i went to the same house i lived in with her to visit i was in awe that i was still there..I had never left..Right there on the walls were my pictures and her photo albums i was there and my belongings were still there..She told me she took me in at that young age because she knew things were happening to a boy that shouldn't happen...I won't go to far into mine and hers past or present relationship..Its something i mostly hold dear to myself and only let a little of that ever be seen..Some other social workers i have encountered are my older brother and my moms brother whom to me is DAD..He took me and my brother in way back when and he taught us what being a man was all about...sure i strayed but i owe a lot of my present life to his upbringing. My wife teaches second grade in the lower income area...These influences aren't just my social workers they are everyone's..I have written about doing righteous things and evolving...This is my direction to social worker status..Its hard for me to hear or remember stories or descriptions of how i used to be..Just a few minutes before writing this i read my brothers comment to a previous blogg i had written and he said he was scared i have secrets that will unwind and be my undoing...Its okay though..No matter my situation he shouldn't worry...after prison and all that gangster shit and The descriptions of a former me ..he shouldn't sweat it because i choose to Avenge my soul...That's social work ..To me it is anyway..The reason i cant detain the tears when hearing about my prior lifestyle is because avenging your soul doesn't happen overnight..Its forever i feel like..I doubt people even would know when they Avenge their own soul..You can pretty much take the word soul when i use it and refer to your heart..or my heart...The soul and heart are one and the same in my mind..I have in the past couple years since being out of prison i have tried to make amends with my heart..It's really hard to make your heart believe you wont damage it again..your soul......See its hard to swallow when your family remembers the you that would shoot someone..Words to you but heart betrayal at its realist for me...How can you stray so far that you are described as something that would kill over no more the some words?? A bar fight? A look???Like my brother my heart awaits the relapse im certain..I just want to be talked about in 80 yrs as a social worker...I have alot of work to do but for me it started with paying back my soul for all I've taken from it...Once i talked about my writings and told someone i want them ..my words i mean to be heard and remembered..You seek immortality i was told...In these writings i try to heal..heal me heal you heal whomever will listen..For now it's some of my social work..When you think you have done to much to go on and to much to go back then you need someone...You need angel on your shoulder..you know someone who will be there to support you as you repair your soul..These types don't have to do what they do but they just do..They come to your side when you want to begin healing..Its hard for me to fathom myself ever being described as a social worker but my heart is here for whoever i can reach..I am surrounded by friends family and co-workers and earlier today i sent an email to a person in my office whom rubs me the wrong way and we don't have a good re-pore at all to say the least..Anyway i emailed this person to come out to my dept and come by my desk for a few minutes if they had time..About fifteen minutes later i swung my chair around and heard my co-workers voice ask me what was up??? I almost started crying..When you avenge your soul it takes a tole and it's humbling for a former supposed to be tuffguy..So i swung my chair around and started to talk but mostly i rambled before pulling myself together...I then just said hey the other day i was busy as hell and out of the corner of my eye i saw you struggling with your own workload and i was really stressed with my own stuff but i want you to know i wish i would have helped you because im not that person..Im not the person that sees someone who needs help and because i don't see eye to eye with them i decide not to help..No i don't want you to think of me that way//Its been over a week since that happened but i wanted you to know everyday since it bothered me that i didn't help..It bothered me that you probably think im an asshole cuz i was acting like one...I don't want situations to affect me so much that others would describe me as less then all heart...This person said don't sweat it and smiled and i Avenged a small piece....Small pieces are okay for now i just Want to be described someday as the opposite of my prior way of living thinking and acting...My heart is that of a social workers..I believe i have a soul like Geraldine!!

ABEL AND KANE!!! part 2

2010-04-27T20:39:00.000-07:00

I wasn't trying to say my life has turned out any better then mj's...Actually he's probably in a better place financially then i am per say..I only make under 20 bucks hourly but that's irrelevant.My point is in part one i stated that i hope my brother finds comfort..And i meant that!!I said a lot about taking it off him too!! Some might say i spoke and speak of the burden..Burdens are heavy but for me i just wasn't trying to wonder where my mom and dad had been...We used to visit my mother Tresina in an assortment of correctional facilities and i had to carry the torch for a time!!I don't come to you with explanations or pleas for acceptance or forgiveness..Im forgiven i promise you!!Im not forgiven by your golden calves but my guilt is eased by my wife's smile and my son's heart too!!You really have something when you can see into your own sons hearty and it's real to you both!!My son has forgiven me with respect and i remember when i only had a distorted definition of respect!!My son respects me for the same reason my wife does..Because they are both secure with their risk!!My number one talent in life if you ask me is my people skills...i believe you can read me..Im very readable..My wife knew my heart was pure when she was 13 years old. and some years later my son explained the politics of love to me again..He said" dad just cuz you buy me stuff and give me money doesn't mean you love me"...WOW I REMEMBER IT LIKE HE JUST RIGHT NOW SAID IT... Just don't leave us again and don't go back!!..I never left again!! Never left him...His rooms tight next to ours!!I was just earlier talking to my wife about the next year or two when he goes to college or becomes a male nurse or a computer tech?? The possibilities are endless..hahah i love that line..So ya Anyways Abel AND KANE huh? I was never trying to be better then anybody and i never was...MJ or anybody ...I just went my own way and walked a different path for a time!!Believe me i know my ties and offerings by heart..I know what i owe mj..I know what i owe my son and my wife too...I owe no doubt...I repay with pieces of my heart and i feel tired from it all but it's good to be here and penance is eternal...The prices we pay for taking the same journeys as our parents sometimes play-out for hundreds of years i am certain....I use clips of sayings that i hear to give my words a pulse....What i mean to say is you get your love back and maybe your children respect and you write and live and love and drink wine ..but there's always the end of the day...The time to sleep...This is the time for reaping....you always pay wages when you can't control your mind...your thoughts...That's all i was saying..that's what i meant to convey about MJ..I took it off him way back then because it was more for me...I think maybe i can detain it and it can die with me...right here...I hold a responsibility to let it live or die..For some people they don't carry on their parents ambitions for one reason or another...I read a blog from mj sometime ago where he revealed flashbacks of low-riding with my mom and her boyfriend way back in 73..I remember he wrote like a possessed soul and the whole story was a roller coaster of thrills because i remediable the times..I remember the smiles and the consequences.... Mj described it as a time of feeling high...feeling the effects of the marijuana smoke being passed back and fourth in my moms boyfriends impala!! Ya so i guess the reason i took the weight is so that mj didn't have to Reap the Harvest..That's something else...If you look deeply in my eyes you might see the layers...The night comes and the nightmares show up with no forgiveness!!THE WAGES OF SIN THE WAGES OF SIN!!You can't stay numb every night so on the nights when you feel good and confident and lay your head to rest with no pacifier they come!!!I sometimes wonder if it will always be this way? Will i sleep with my own conscience?Im not sure? It's worth it you know??It's worth it because i know mj can sleep....He protected me and i was uncivilized about the situations...but hey MJ can sleep..And sometimes i dream good dreams..oceans n stuff!!.to be continued...Im tired!!

ABEL AND KANE!!!

2010-04-22T20:06:00.000-07:00

So i guess there's a time...a point in your life when you have to tell it..Or let it die forever..I guess???..So i guess im going to tell it...tell it from the start...way back...1965.. still five more years until i was alive!!.. Its good though that's when Mj was born That is when another chapter began...My brother would tell you different but i have the still-frames in my mind forever(por vida)..that's one of few Spanish phrases i picked up on during my journey but we'll get to that later..)The still-frames i have are of a proud kid who had nothing but hope!!MJ used to comb his black hair straight back!! He wanted it to look like his cousin and imaginary half brother lewis's hair!! Lewis was a handsome fellow for the 70's//Actually any time that guy would have been handsome..Mj tried to mimic his style...White t shirt khakis...the whole nine i swear it!!Like ten years later when i was 5 i was in my step cousin Lewis room while he ironed his khakis and polished his Stacy Adams and loaded his 38 special revolver..(My personal favorite memory to date)..Anyways when i was around five my brother MJ was still down..My mother was still in prison and hooked on heroin and Lewis was a GOD for us!!Mostly for MJ..Its funny how the men we idolize as children are the same nightmares our mothers brought home!!My cousin Lewis was lovely but do you remember the 38 revolver??Oh ya my cousin would show up with red roses but first im quite certain he had to check the address to remember a girlfriend or was it a funeral he brought flowers to celebrate?My mothers boyfriend were the same...one after another..Nice when they weren't dope sick but Satan every-other day or so i was told later!!Anyway MJ and Me huh? Yeah we started the SAME.. We went through it all together..At one point we chose different paths and today its no different but it better..It's bliss actually for me..I just hope my brother finds comfort...You see for along time they asked me to write this...He did too>>MJ i mean>>but we all discussed privacy..invasion?? So here i am telling it...Pulling no punches..Telling it Raw..from the beginning...back to innocence..Yessir i was an alter boy at our lady of Guadalupe in around 1981..but there's too much to tell before then..but ya i was an Alter boy too!!I guess ill start with Sammy and see how much i can take...Sammy was a heroin dealer..My moms boyfriend..My so-called step Dad..Not Father But step Dad!!We had many motels downtown by the sunset strip...My brother was already 10 years old and into all kinds of havok!! The streets were raising another angel from the los city..I remember way back then seeing the hesitation..the uncertainty..the looking around to pass the cup..and here i came...i put my hands out and took the weight from my brother..I embraced the cold world and took that shit off of him!!I knew he wasn't ready for it..It wasn't in him..He had to pass it..I remember one day some years later my brother brought home a trumpet when we were in foster care..I knew he was gone and i was doing the tour..It wasn't for him...Maybe it wasn't for me either..But hey i have some regrets...I hate when people say (i Have NO regrets) .. I myself have a few..

KISS THE CAPO GOODBYE!!

2010-03-28T16:59:00.000-07:00

Dear sister got me twisted up in prison i miss ya...crying looking at my nieces n my nephews pictures.......I once wrote those words to my sister CJ...WOW It seems like quite some time ago but it was only 6 years ago...At the present that same niece and nephew are part of my life and i have spent the last three Christmases with them..I have since watched my niece in 3 plays...one of them was CATS..I Have fished the shores of swamis with my nephew and i don't think he understood the importance but one day he will!!When i wrote letters to my family back then it was more for me than them but Healing comes in stages!!!Writing is my private nourishment but it's funny how i let you view it???Is it??For me it's too personal not to share..Only someone with real lusts for writing can even begin to understand my madness..Lol Isn't that what the new gen says?? lol (lots of laughs)?? or (lots of love)???...??? LMAO..Laughing my ass off)...??? Writing will be the next to suffer...The newspapers are crushed daily by the net and music is a digital disaster...lol..NOT.. Not funny i mean...Its hard to laugh while watching breeds die...Generations...Oh well take a sip and see tomorrow!!

Writing!!

2010-03-13T12:22:00.000-08:00

At some point i wanted to explain my writing from my perspective..I am not trying to impress anyone with my blog,I am not using words to show you how smart i think i am..Its actually quite the opposite.If you have read some of my previous blogs you have seen misspellings bad punctuation ...basically a blog a 3rd grader could have composed? Oh the question mark meant i wasn't sure composed or comprised belonged there?? Oh well At first i never used spell check however i have since changed that due to not wanting my word to be unreadable..Ok so when i read other peoples blogs{I read a few others}I tend to stop reading within a paragraph because most of the time i think a lot of writers spend 90 percent making everything look so neat and worded right ect,ect that i am to bored to read on..The evolution of writing is going to be my favorite thing since Star Wars!!I can sit here and give you pros and cons about both types of writing however im just going to ramble a little raw writing slash blogging for the next 30 minutes or so and if your here to read then you already get it!!Ok so last night i was going to a show with my 16 almost 17 yr old son!! My sons time is split between his mother in another state and myself.Id say he lives here 9 months a year and the rest he flies to the cold weather to have time with his mother and her family.So when the time draws near for him to get ready for departure and fly to the cold weather state for a few months I always try to have an Event scheduled before he leaves..I was off on a Friday but that's a whole different story.I wont bore you don't worry..So i was off and had the concert at 7 to look forward to. The usual rituals were ran through as in any preparation for Big Events..Getting clothes ready plans together grooming i even sprayed my newest cologne on for the night!Some of my pre- Event rituals are private however not to far from some of my readers i assume? Slamming a beer..Shots ect ect..Maybe a smoke or two? routine stuff we do as regular people..Ok so we got all cleaned up and proceeded to head downtown to the House of Blues for the Event!!If you have seen or know my son personally then the way to describe his style is Preppy hip hop i would call it?? He's Into a form of rap music but it's nothing most of us have seen on mtv or anything ridiculous i mean it's mostly underground small label music..I like some of it but mostly tolerate it in small amounts..My musical taste is everything from the Smiths to Bob Dylan to Kings of Leon to Ottis Redding to Tupac...I love music and my son does too..He relates to the urban neighborhood struggle type of rap for the time being but that will evolve soon!!Ok so back to The house of Blues show!! We were headed to see a few artists mostly DJ'S and i heard a San Fransisco bay are rapper might show up since he was doing a show later at 4th and B. We were driving through downtown and my wife dropped us off front and center and we proceeded to have a night of fun!!The line was long..We walked along side the line and as we walked our excitement dwindled..I looked at my son and saw his disappointment all over his face!! We walked more and looked at the crowd forming and it was the first time i have felt so uncomfortable at what was supposed to be a party atmosphere..I think that's actually the problem though,It was about the party not the music.We stood in the line which by now had tripled and the fans i guess you'd call them walked and talked all around us!! their were 5 or 6 teenage girls inline behind us and they were all talking out load about where's the best place to hide their xtacy.There was a heavy presence of pierced faces and glow sticks and all that jazz and i couldn't care less about any of it i am not bothered by appearances i was just in awe of all the xtacy and drug talk and exchange all around us..My son at one point said to me"i hate all this xtacy and these fools all lost on that shit"..I said watch your mouth but yes i agree!! Their was a heavy presence of security who reprimanded a lot of these kids and told them several times various things would not be let inside..Candy necklaces ..bottled water blunts ect.. This girl a few years younger then my son was complaining her acid was melting in her hiding spot and she was worried the security would find it again..Again??drugs and stuff have been around forever but 3 out of 5 of these girls had braces still..I thought maybe i was just getting to old for this but then checked myself cuz we are never to old for shows and music..I myself plan to see shows when im one foot in the grave no maybees..It makes you feel old but then what was i to say when even a 16 yr old kid is uncomfortable??When i was in my early twenties some of the shows i saw were later 80's groups or 90's whatever..I remember being at NWA in San berdu once and their was some fights and i heard one person even got shot in the parking lot...Troublesome i tells ya!! Some of those gangster rap concerts i evaded because of the violence ya know??Nowadays when my wife and i go see shows like street scene or the fray or coldwar kids or silversun or MIA recently..We have great fun and the crowds are usually awesome... I see drinking and some Marijuana smoke here and there but Last night the whole crowd was so high on xtacy the show was really in the line...We never made it in the doors last night to see the show it was sold out by the time we got up there but we'd already seen enough..Enough glow sticks ,candy necklaces enough 14 yr old dropping x right out where everyone could see how cool they are!! When it was our time people took some drugs to feel the effects right? Now i see all these kids on display doing whats popular just for the cool kids to see them..Who are the cool kids now?? When we were younger the cool kids might of smoked and drank and even partake in recreational drug use but then they went on to work careers or go to school or get in trouble get out and move on or things of that way...Now we have these cool kids that do the damage at a young age and most of this damage is irreversible??I looked behind me before we left and saw 3 girls still standing there all three had very high tech cell-phones and colored braces and trendy handbags...I kept thinking This is the Generation that is going to fix us??The future decision makers? These kids came from money you could see it!!They will be future employees all around us? I read a blog from my bro earlier where he stated his wife is worried about classrooms having 30 kids next year and his daughter falling through the cracks..He wasn't worried though cuz he's taken the responsibility to ensure enough at home teaching for any worry to take place..My wife is an inner city elementary school teacher whom will have 30 kids in her class next year..She explained to me how in her same school district the nicer area school has a music program computer lab ect ect ..These things don't exist in inner city low income area elementary schools anymore.You didn't know? Well why would you??Libraries?? No library at her school..However there is one thing that is the Same...The expectancy of high test scores has the same expectations at her school as the one down the road with the nice computers and stuff//Those kids have laptops desktops i-phones and are the future masters of the universe..The parents at the schools in the same district give money to a pot to fund those programs but don't want it distributed equally among the whole district in fear of money going to the lower income area schools!!Most of my wife's kids in her second grade class are Spanish speakers..They can barely spell their own name..She is expected to keep them at pace with the schools down the road who are all taught well at home and have tools to assist when the reality in her schools neighborhood is free lunch cards and a money pot for programs is laughable..The parents cant even afford backpacks..I guess i have a few points here.. My first is don't not worry about the 30 plus class size ..It affect you...Like the x-tacy crowd we witnessed being our future leaders well so are these inner city low income schools..Well alot of parents don't want to support these innercity schools or the schools teachers in hopes it won't affect them but it does..These low income kids some of them will move on go to college and will be appearing in a neighborhood close to you so Stay tuned!!Just like some parents don't want to deal with these lower income kids well some of us parent don't want to fathom those kids with their colored braces glow sicks and xtacy running our state or world God forbid..I hear a lot of people stating how they do this and that and they have all kinds of stuff to say but what are they saying?? who's listening?? If i sound uptight in my writings it's cuz i am!! I don't know who these kids are and who we are as parents??we want the best for our kids education ect??What i see is people want their nest to be safe and comfortable so we can sit here at our computers and blog about BS ,We want to make our self worth look more important then it is..We cry about teachers getting the shaft but but do nothing when certain schools are in crisis..We come here or there and write our opinions!! We hope someone will read our pleas..Or do we? Do we just come here and lay out a beautiful looking well scripted blog and pour out our hearts then go off to golf 18 holes or get a massage//The ladder actually sounds good..My lower backs killing me from sitting here writing this poetry!!I know my blog might bug you and piss a few people off..it's ok you know ho pissed off my wife will be next year when her classroom jumps to thirty second graders??Don't trip she wont be as pissed as you or i would be..Or will she??

Wages !!

2010-03-06T10:05:00.000-08:00

It's hard for me to grasp the things that transpire around me...I have been around bad men and criminals a big part of my life...I broke bread with everyone form drug traffickers to killers...My time spent in correctional facilities put me in the presence of evil ...however i have never been this close to a Monster... Last weekend my wife spent with search parties searching for Chelsea...In fact last Saturday morning i sat here on amazon ordering a stun-gun for my wife...We live in suburbia and these things aren't supposed to happen here...These things aren't supposed to happen anywhere!! These little boxes are mostly a wave of starter families and first time home buyers...Our little boxes are surrounded by golf courses and tennis courts..My wife often walks laps at the little park outside our balcony and now she has to carry a stun gun???When they made an announcement last Sunday that they arrested This Monster who was suspected in taking one of our children from us i had a terrible feeling... I stood in silence as i watched the news say this so called mans prior record and i turned to my wife and tried to talk through my tears and stated.."i have a bad feeling".. A day or two went by and I was standing in my office.. I swallowed and typed in Chelsea latest news San Diego...The rest was a blur...A body had been found at 2:30 pm right where my wife's search party had been for 3 days.....The local sheriff made his statement and i looked at my co-worker and he said "i am going home to my wife and kids bro i can't be here right now"...I said i know and text-ed my wife...she text-ed back and said she'd already heard...The next 5 or six hours didn't seem real...Like my wife said when she'd returned from the search party Saturday!!"this seems like a movie...but it's not..Its real and its here where we live...A gathering was supposed to happen down on palmerado road that night to raise spirits and talk about the continuing search..Now it was to be a vigil the first of many goodbyes...My wife and i walked down to where thousands of people stood with candles...It was completely silent and cars drove by and looked at us with silent expressions and we mostly cried a lot....We walked and thought about how this surreal scene was real!!Ok so i painted a picture of what happened last week right down the street from our house.. and the sight where Chelsea parked her car before this monster took her..well the rec center just a week before me and my son went to break dancing practice with some friends only days before...So i sat here to write today but i wasn't trying to write a sad paragraph and sign off...I actually wanted to say how if this monster would have done this to my wife or my sister or niece...i'd kill him...or i would call on old prison ties to deal with him in prison but in reality here i'd be just like Chelsea s parents..sitting in silence wondering when i would awake from this nightmare and move on...You see i have been in many prisons for many years and the laws our forefathers created don't work the way they intended...Our laws protect monsters.. These so called men dropout of society and choose ulterior judgment but the law won't allow them to be judged by the world they choose..No instead these monsters get protective custody and you flip the bill for their next 40 yrs while they watch cable protected our laws!!I don't understand? help me get this..When i was incarcerated i chose to join a click and when in violation of set rules i was dealt with by the world i chose...See where im going with this guys n gals??Anyways i didn't write today to sit here and cry more and make you sad too...I am just writing for Chelsea and letting her know this isn't going to be accepted!! We are not trying to stand here and let these monsters take our daughters and children and do these things...My wife says Chelsea will be the start of change!!! Im sickened she had to be taken for people to listen!!! I sit here feeling better then a few days ago where all i felt is stunned...If you read my blog before you know im no angel...I have rolled with gangsters 90 percent of my life and have seen much evil...I have since evolved and try to be someone my son can respect for the right reasons now.. and it's not easy as it may seem...when someone respects you for different reasons its hard to make them change their views just because you have...I guess most would say i have made a positive change because of my wife's influence? Well its mostly true however mostly i separated paths because i couldn't promote negativity anymore..I have no excuses anymore..I have read many books and lived long enough to say im educated to a point..As i evolve i hate what i represented even the more..It's not that this tragedy happened here in pleasant ville The point is this cant happen anymore..we can't continue to not evolve in our laws as well as our hearts...With evolving comes change...Its time we change these laws!!! Chelsea we SEE you...the whole world sees you now..It's time for CHANGE!!

SHELTERING THOMAS

2009-11-05T20:07:00.000-08:00

As a parent we try and protect our children right? We learn it from our parents.our friends parents, or maybe we just see it on television?? When my son was first born i surrounded my house with childproof everything!!! I installed a car seat i did it all!!But that's not what this is about...My son is 16 now and next year hes a senior..That's when it hit me...My wife and i were talking the other night about my son graduating high school and i went back in my head across the years of his life...I was considering sending my son to a regular high school for his senior year!!My teen years and young adult hood were scattered with violence gang-banging and prison...One day when i had been in prison about 5 years already some guy i was talking to on the yard saw a picture on my wall and said he knew that kid...That kid i said is my son Tommy Jr!! The guy who said he knew my son from the street said he was Pauls brother..a fellow gang member and soldier in the same prison click as myself! Over the next hour or so the guy told me street stories and said how at many of these events my son was in the vicinity..more of an observer my son was as he at the time was around 11 yrs old!!The guy said my son was a good kid and looked forward to having my son be part of the hood..The team..The click!! I felt sick!!Over the next few hours i shot out letters to everyone in my gang n made threats along with promises all in hopes of deterring anyone from putting my lil Tommy on the hood..aka jumping him into the same bullshit that was killing my life as well as 100's of lives inside the very walls that contained my violence!!I had horrible visions of my son sitting where i was at that time in life...sitting there in silence...waiting for a war to spark...for a visit...for a letter....for some drugs to flood the cell blocks...Over the next few weeks i received letters saying a blanket was placed on my sons well being and he wouldn't be jumped in unless i either gave permission or died!! at that point the buzzards would circle!! I used to get visits regularly from my son while i journeyed down my plight!! I would tell my son one thing and he would watch me do another... I remember when the judge handed down 12 yrs and 6 years consecutive the first face i turned to was my sons..he was all of 5 or 6 at the time and i remember smiling when he threw up the neighborhood with his fingers as they drug me back to my cell!!So here we are..My son like i said before is 16..i have since given up the gang life and all that it entails..My son will graduate next year with a class of 2010 students hes never seen..never been in a classroom with...never met before..My son has many friends..One is actually real...I don;t approve of his one friend but what am i to do??protect him from his one real friend too?? ya see my son goes to school online ..his social network is all online..he is shy and has almost no sun on his face unless i can drag him out fishing or some family event!! he grew up on x-box live and virtual networks on the web!!At times i am so fucking glad hes not a gang member or a drug addict...I look at his gentle demeanor and it settles my heart that he's a good boy..He has almost no life and no girlfriends and no vitamin d in his life!!I have done everything in my life to protect him from the Ugly things Ive witnessed in the lifestyle i lived for way too long!!My family members have many opinions on my sons well being and the consensus is the concern for his social behavior or lack there of may be detrimental...I thought i was protecting him from becoming me..I don't know how his life will go? I always thought i was being a father..a protective father.....When i stare into my sons eyes i feel guilt.. i see stress and i feel awful...other times i see his good heart and i feel really good!!Well his life is almost his own now..I mean he's a year away from adulthood!!! I hope one day he knows i tried to save him!!!!

TAPAS

2009-10-08T18:33:00.000-07:00

Yes sir!! this here is an appetizer.Its like a preview..I've thought about the whole wedding thing and i am going to go through the events one by one..Trust me it will not bore you..Ill run you through the beers that were passed around in my hotel room across the street of where me n my bride met 17 yrs prior..Ill tell you about when i pulled up for 3 days at the beach wedding of ours i hit the parking lot and my dads Mercedes was parked in the lot and when i looked inside to see if this was his car i gazed at cases upon cases of foreign beers..All for the big day!!I had no idea my dad would be there at the hotel all weekend and our wedding would be above the hotel in a beautiful garden overlooking the ocean!! Ill tell of the adjoining shanty below however still connected to the hotel that i sat in with my dad all day into the night before...Tequila shots n Guinness on tap..Yes the day before i got married me n my dad drank n talked n praised each others journeys...Ill never forget it and the next day i married the best girl God created so you know the stories gonna be good!!! Ill be back!!!I shall finish the game!!That was a reference to one of my favorite recitals by Emilios rendition of Billie the kid telling a hypothetical story....# Guys are sitting aroun playing poker and a man runs into the room and says the worlds on fire its all going to burn and explode in just a few short hours...The first cowboy stand and says"I gotta get home n say by to my children!! The next cowboys stands and says "I gotta get to the saloon n get stinky liquored up buy 3 whores and have a hella of a time..They both look at the third cowboy still sitting and ask"what are you gonna do Billie???Well sir billy states.I shall finish the GAME!!!.....I SHALL FINISH THE GAME!!!

AMERICAN ME!!!!

2009-10-03T12:48:00.000-07:00

When i was little i used to stand behind my big brother and hide myself from the bad guys!!!I'm not sure where or what part of the city of angels we lived in at the time..You really cant call it where we lived because mostly what i remember is different motels around the downtown area..Ive heard stories of living in Baldwin park echo park or wherever..I don't remember!!I mostly remember hiding behind mj so my moms boyfriends couldn't hurt me...I remember being scared when they my mom and her boyfriend left to go find heroin id be worried she wouldn't come back but her boyfriends would!!MJ was older then me and therefore he already had friends around the hoods of east los.. Or wherever..I would mostly watch his little friends and him playing around..trying to act tough...following the Chicano patterns set forth by our surroundings...This was our path...Mj hopped off the path early in life..I however kept it close.I remember our mom dressing us like cholos and when we would visit my uncle they'd shake their heads at our attire...One day some years later after a lengthy prison term my mom walked out of prison released on parole and i looked at her attire..khakis pendelton even a bandanna..I remember MJ being embarrassed for her but i thought she looked cool..I wanted to be like her...I wanted to be like her loser boyfriends with their two buttons buttoned and their bandanna pulled low to hide their bloodshot eyes!!I even wanted to go to prison and see what it was all about.. so anyway here i am 20 yrs later ..Moms been deceased form a overdose, ive spent chunks of my life in prisons ..my body is a canvas of prison tattoos...Mj is good he's a manager for a company somewhere in the city of angels..As for how my life turned out..Its really good..Ive been out of prison 3 yrs now.. i live in a quiet neighborhood with my beautiful new bride...I have a son who's a gentle soul..im a shipping manager at a small company...I finally hopped of the path MJ hopped off way earlier then me..I guess i had to know...to see it and live it for myself...It was part of my family part of who i am...I'M here today and I'M happy..Im not a bad guy or a tuff guy or a Chicano..I'm an American!!!

I LIVE NOWHERE EVEN CLOSE TO SNOOPDOGG!!

2009-09-17T09:24:00.000-07:00

The other day i read an article titled DO YOU LIVE CLOSE TO SNOOP DOGG?? In fact it was more like a month ago. Anyway i read this article that was published in the SAN DIEGO READER.... After i read this article i was mad!! i paced my balcony and said to myself who the fuck does this guy think he is??? IL give a brief rundown of this guys article ... He told stories of being a now 30 something security guard in downtown San Diego and he'd recently escaped to Florida for a week or two of vacation..he stated that on the plane as soon as someone found out he was from California they asked questions like..Do you live near the beach?? do you have palm trees in your yard?? Do you live near snoop dogg?? He then proceeded to tell tales of his former affiliation with the piru bloods ..a street gang in east San Diego.. he ranted and at times glorified the old ways..the gang banging that i sensed hed watched a lot more then he'd participated in himself..these guys always talk more then they actually get involved hands on...i know the type..you usually have to take the gun from these guys hand and do the dirt yourself..then later at the roundup you here their voice the loudest telling tales of grandeur..Anyway this guy was saying that he was upset that tourists only saw the palm trees and the beaches and they never smelled the piss or liquor he smells being a downtown security officer everyday!! He continued his stories of how he was present during a murder shooting incident on which he later took the stand and held his mudd..aka he didn't snitch anyone out...he then traveled through adventures of the hoods of the big bad east side!!At one point he stated a few weeks prior to writing this article his old friend still affiliated with the bloods picked him up at his parents house one Saturday afternoon and as they left the drive way the charger they were in did two donuts and the threw up bloods and say whats up blood???hmmmmmm if id of done this while my parents are in their 50's im not sure id ever be welcome back to visit?? but lets give him the benefit of not calling him a straight up liar...or a enhancement writer...Do i believe him?? well it dosen't matter what i believe..This article was published in a popular magazine slash paper and hundreds of people read this and digested it and its over..its out there..Okay so whats my point? is there a point?? if you have read my blog you know there's a point..so here i am..hahah just kidding..but here's my point...This guy went on to say how disgusted people only saw the good parts of San Diego and were indifferent to its ghettos and unaware of the crime rate and the gang presence and the struggles of the poverty stricken badlands....and the east side he's so proud of that he never moved away from..In truth this mediocre writing if you can even call it that is really in truth a poison..yes a virus...it infects people it breeds more ignorance.. I have been all up in the mix of all that bullshit he was quick to glorify...the difference is when i tell tales of this past i once too glorified and gave so much praise to..well i try to motivate the reader to see past this bullshit and evolve!!! your city smells like piss???bring some Lysol..you see gangs everywhere ??MOVE!! you tired of poverty homeless people and unawareness??? get a new job,life,patterns...I for myself moved from the area that i gave so much to it took 10 yrs of my life and did even more damage to my son!! I don't associate with my former friends and homeboys and you'll never hear me say whats up cuzz to anyone!!! no donuts in front of my parents house and no trials of which i will be a ghetto superstar for not snitching!!! I've moved on not only from the area i supported but also in my self evolving..I've let myself go down a new path!!! And just in case your wondering...I LIVE NOWHERE EVEN CLOSE TO SNOOPDOGG!!!

UNDERSTANDING TERRA!!!

2009-06-16T20:14:00.000-07:00

I was three months from the house!!!Thats what you say when your that close to the street!!!I was already technically paroled just waiting for paperwork and transport!!My intentions were to keep my nose clean for those three weeks and get my mind right and slide out of that place with as lil drama as i could keep at bay!! So they took me to a kind of pre-release prison to help you get ready to leave....Bad start!!! This place had just been built hence the heavy drug gang and multiple other crimes that flooded these new facilities!!!The transport delivered me to the facility with about three months til my release...I hit the tank and waited for my property...As i sat the elevator opened..i looked in and swallowed then smiled and got up.....My longtime prison crime partner who was like my brother was standing there smiling...Jose..aka snoopy aka Jason aka Joe stood there smiling...I shook my head and hugged my homeboy...He laughed and said ..We own the place...The guards the help the kitchen the laundry facility it was all ours!!!He said lets roll...I told the guard to have a guard find me when my property was ready!!Snoopy stepped in and told him send everything to TJ and nodded and the guard nodded back n looked me over then nodded..i nodded back and left!!!Snoopy said he knew i was on transport and i he arranged a bunk in his dorm...You have to remember i came directly from a very high level security to a place like this...fucking Disneyland!!!I met the fellas and said hi to a lot of guys a knew already!!!So anyhow over the next few months i basically forgot about the straight and narrow and told myself this is who you are..dont act like you dont know..dont try and be somebody you aint...you built this rep ..use it!!!So three months of dirt...we ran everything we could get away with and its just funny how soon you forget whats important to you!!!Tattooing in prison will get you three things....number 1 a trip to the hole for 30..number two your parole will be revoked...number three you get higher points and sent to higher security prisons for high points!!!So heres my situation...Snoopy was known to be one of the best freehand tattooist in the prison system..To go along with that he hadn't done a tatoo in more then six years because he too was almost done there and avoiding trying to make it to his final destination and cross the finish line..You see prison ink is earned...even the non gang related tatts..No ones gonna give you there time in any form unless you are somebody to them...somebody important to them...With me and snoopy well im the one that put him in touch with his 7 year old son he had never met...Yep i had my son call his son on three way while snoopy listened to the answers to the questions he mailed to my son to ask his osn...are you mad a t your daddy??do you know Jason??ect ect...So ya he owed me...And this was time to make it right...when i asked he put his head down on the table and didn't say anything....about an hour later he spoke...Im gonna do it for you homie...lets get everything in order and get it done!!!Im sure he put his head down and went over the consequences in his mind...Heres a guy who was 36 years old and been in adult prison since he was 13..Yes tried as an adult and been there for it all..His son was conceived way back when there were conjugal visits...Anyway we had a guard bring ink..an electric toothbrush and some sterilizing equipment needles ect...Next i rounded up my lookouts for the one or two guards who walked the straight and narrow..not all guards are for sale...some have no price...So with all the precautions taken we got down to bizz!!! snoopy rolled deodorant across my neck and placed a pattern of the fancy letters inked up and pressed the pattern on my neck..he held it there and pulled the paper away...the ink left a pattern of letters across my neck and i looked at it with a hand mirror from all angles..he nodded i nodded and i sat down in a chair..i leaned over and tilted my head..Snoopy is a hand pick tatt artist so this adds to the whole event...some guys use machines but i dealt with ogs mostly...snoopy asked if i was ready and i nodded..i clenched my teeth and his hand moved fast...i remember thinking i hope i aint being hit right now...snoopy was a close friend but thats usually who they send!! i closed my eyes and felt the needle tap my skin..tap! tap! tap!! just like Deangelo tap tap...i bled alot and it went on for 3 hours...when i opened my eyes there she was!!! TERRA!!! My niece who id yet to meet!! I carried her ever year since she was waiting to breathe..after i got her name tatted on my neck i looked at it in the mirror and smiled...i was proud!! I will always be proud!!! the beautiful life i live now...well i do it for her too!!! One day i walked over to a prison phone and called MJ collect..before we started talking he interrupted me and told me his lady was pregnant....i looked at the ground and cried...i told him im sorry i wont be home when your firstborn arrives!!!The thing is i am here now!!! i do it for her too!!!

OUR FOUNDATION IS BEAUTIFUL!!!!

2009-06-14T20:20:00.000-07:00

I look across at just how German you look!!! I am forever intoxicated by how earthly your appearance is right now!!!Its like the lines in your face are maps of authenticity!! You wear the appearance of your country and heritage in breathtaking reality!!I see hope and belief in your eyes...someone who wants to believe and hang onto the good things!!!Its quite a observance to watch you live...I see who you are and you see me too!!! I see your eyes turn earthly colors with the days and seasons...i may be the only one who knows just how lovely these things are..there is nothing this world can offer that can make someone like you more beautiful..you make this whole thing more beautiful to witness...to feel...to see...to breathe and take in!!!to believe in!!Ive always felt this way ..wifey to be!!!I couldn't really ever see me without you!!!Its just one of those stories that can't change...it was from the first day!!!You meet that person and your life changes...you somehow change...both of you change...there's no judgment..no guilty pleas...there's no replicas...there's no regular standards either..there's chances..there's understanding and conversations from caring alone...caring alone is the thing...what i mean is there is talks and conversations that aren't rehearsed or practiced or unnerving..You have always been here..I will always feel you!!!Our friendship is timeless!!! I tell myself you'll live forever!!! You'll always be here...In some way!!This is what makes me want to live a good life!!!To care!! To give!!!You motivate me to live!!! MISS~SARITA~MI VIDA~

THE FELLAS

2009-06-13T21:48:00.000-07:00

i WANTED TO SHARE A VERY NICE PICTURE OF THE OLD CREW AT A PARTY RECENTLY IN THE LBC!!!MY PROFILE PICTURE IS ALOT OF OLD MEMORIES!!!

THE TWO YEAR WAR!!!!

2009-06-03T20:38:00.000-07:00

The call was made...the politics long before then rooted...the financial stability established!!!!the soldiers were well trained and disciplined..and ready!!!some of them wanted it..they embrace wars to fill the void of time...endless mindless time!!idle time maddening time...so anyhow the first soldiers got hit and died...the helicopters couldn't get them to a medic fast enough..Somewhere on the other side of the desert men were scrambled back to their living quarters where the tuned their weapons polished their boots and wrote letters!!!ranks were realized and more orders were given!!!young men were scared senseless...i saw one guys face and i knew his mind was covering as much memory as it could before it was deleted for good!!! i looked down the line and saw soldiers gearing up to kill for what they represented..what fed them..clothed them..even gave to their families in distant places..we were shuffled off the hill and rushed back to our quarters!!!I knew id be called to hit the front line because i was only 1 year and a half in!!!the captain came in and told me the plans!!then he broke down some rules of war!!!the only one i thought about was when the doors open i was to hit any race but mine...DAMN!!! These lessons were taught of why i was to refrain from to much social interaction with other races and now it was realized!! in 3d bro!!!I'm half Mexican n half white so i had brothers on both sides of this war however i ate drank and lived with my carnals so shit was about to get deep!!!i talked with my homies in sign language through our little windows and basically said shit like see ya on the front lines..n are ya scared homie???or did you talk to ur girl before shit popped or what???mindless discussion and even jokes all thru hand signs...i went back over to my cellmate slick and asked what weapons he had even though he'd shown me 30 times already!!i was nervous ..jittery...my sons face flashed...my brothers face flashed!!!i swallowed and looked down my tier at the Plexiglas booth with two way mirrors and searched for some sign??Then i heard the load speaker buzz...{all inmates report to chow hall in your pod asap without incident or you'll eat in your cells for a month..no more warnings}That broadcast might as well have said charge!!!everyone including some guards and staff knew the politics had already secured a certainty!!But sometimes shit has to play out!!!I heard the bolt release and from that point on everything was in slow motion and very unreal like!!the doors cracked and we hesitated then stepped!!! i rotated left n seen a blackface!!! i knew him so i quickly looked right...their i saw another blackface who i wasn't familiar with we emerged on each other!!!i scanned his body n saw it...he had a little bag with a rock or sumthn inside!!! i put my blade in my pocket n grabbed the belt i had in my waste line with the padlock firmly fastened to it and i wrapped it to about a foot length of belt while the padlock dangled at the end!!The guy saw my weapon and hesitated...i swung and toppled over him into 3 or 4 more guys and i was swinging wildly at this point!!! Before i could see or understand anything the guards were all over us!!!pepper spray rubber bullets..tasers and they swarmed the catwalk with real rifles..i heard the bird shot and wasn't that nervous yet!!!Then the bird shot was spent and buckshot's exited the chambers next!! i scrambled to the ground and threw my weapon fast and got in a few put downs before i was cuffed..I wants racist but at this time i had some new hate!!!we were shuffled once again like sheep kick n n screaming to our pens!!! my cellmate wasn't there..a few hours later i got a willa {kite} explaining my cellmates whereabouts..he got caught with two blades!! that's 6 years added for each blade!!!Count em 6+6+12...In war none thinks of consequences til its over...It wasn't over yet!!! this war jumped for two years!!!that means two showers a week minimal food no contact visits no yard time no nothing!!!when wars are active the guards stop bringn in drugs and the visitors cant do anything either..So what do you do???Nothing YOU wait it out!!its already been prepared for...this is the point of gangs!!army's!! soldiers!!clicks!!!what have you!!!this is the reason for mandatory workouts!!rules like no slippers on the yard ect...straight to the mattresses!!I wont bore you with two years of ins n outs of prison war but I'll leave you with the reason for the war and the blog!!the disagreement was weather or not a handball was 3 inches to the left or to the right making it either in or out depending on which homie was urs..bet you placed or team you were riding with!!!the call was made the brown side said out the blacks said in and the racial slurs rang out!!!when it was over alot of people died!!! alot of families were weakened!!!alot of bullshit for bullshit!!!do you get it???do you know this shit is going down while we eat at out with friends and sip our 24 ounce cans and smile!!!Some of us have brown pride tattoos or aztec calenders...or maybe white pride???Do we know what we represent with these tatts???do people even know what they feed???I don't have the answers but i ran up on men i had no prior problem with because of racial semi political bullshit!!!thanks for lettn me vent!!!and hopefully educate!!!

DANCE!!!!

2009-05-25T12:46:00.000-07:00

YOU ASK ME TO DANCE AND YOU KNOW I'M A DANCING MACHINE{Kings of Leon} Its rare i quote phrases or song lyrics in my writings..However i felt it to be appropriate for this piece...My last blog was written in a haze of Chianti....So when i reread it the next day it didn't come out how i had it in my head...it seemed off track..it wasn't how i wanted it but it is what it was so lets move on...next day next week different blog different lessons ..New day..okay so i was thinking of writing and was searching for a topic and my mind went back to a reception i witnessed a couple of months past!!!at one point in the reception after eating way to much Mexican food and drinking tequila not only at the reception but also at an English pub on the way in which we stopped to have a Guinness use the restroom and catch a few minutes of a soccer game ..well as we waited for the clock to turn and sipped our Guinness i ordered a quick shot of cuervo gold before we left and this is unusual for me cuz i don't favor tequila..however after my quick shot of poison we strolled a few blocks over to the reception and were greeted with chips salsa and yep..you guessed it Tequila!!! Well as my better half chatted with her friends i being the instant social guy when tequila is factored in..well i loosened up..i walked around with one of the husbands of one of the friends and we drank Mexican beers and more tequila..i wasn't drunk was the thing..i was happy and stress free and walked over as the DJ was just finished setting up and put on his first record!! i glanced around and people where migrating to the dance floor...see I'm not much for churches or forgive me hardcore church types..so earlier while at the wedding i judged the crowd to be not boring but maybe very traditional!!! So i told myself nothing new to see there but i was in a great mood and my soon to be wife was happy too and that is one of my favorite scenarios..i depend on..i need it...i know its selfish but when shes happy I'm happier..so as i peered through the reception at the crowd rushing to the dance floor i found myself actually submerged in a small sea of the young ,old,middle aged strangers..i looked for a path back to the bar but found none..i looked to my left and my girl and her friend where beside me apparently watching the excited crowd!!! The dj then dropped the needle and the lights went black then colored lighting swirled the dance floor...the music started and i was directly in front of a group of teenagers and kids as young as two or three....a circle formed and one of the little kids swayed into the middle and showed his stuff....right AFTER HIM, ANOTHER KID A BIT OLDER SPRUNG INTO THE CIRCLE AND SHOWED SOME PRETTY IMPRESSIVE MOVES OBVIOUSLY LEARNED BUT VERY NATURAL ALSO..HE WAS TALENTED...NEXT WAS PROBABLY HIS SISTER THEN ANOTHER YOUNGER GIRL AND MORE KIDS...AT ONE POINT I SAW THE BRIDE IN THE CIRCLE FOR A FEW SECONDS THEN A VERY SMALL CHILD OF ABOUT 2 HOBBLED ABOUT IN THE CIRCLE AND EVERYONE SMILED AND CHEERED.....I SCANNED FACES AND EVERYONE WAS HAPPY AND THEN IT HAPPENED...THE DJ MIXED IN A COLLAGE OF SONGS THAT BROUGHT THE CIRCLE TOGETHER AND HIS RECORDING OF A EXPLOSION VIBRATED THE FLOOR AS I WITNESSED THE TEENS TURN TO THE YOUNGER KIDS AND SMILE AND DANCE YOUTHFULLY AND I WAS IN AWE OF PEOPLE CELEBRATING LIFE!!! THAT'S WHEN I TOLD MYSELF THAT'S WHAT IT WAS THEY WERE CELEBRATING LIFE!!I TOO DANCED THAT NIGHT BUT DON'T REMEMBER MUCH OF IT CUZ IT WASN'T ABOUT ME OR MY DANCE..IT WAS JUST CELEBRATING LIFE THROUGH DANCE!!IF IT HAD BEEN ABOUT ME OR MY NIGHT OUT TO DANCE OR ABOUT SOMETHING I WAS TO CLOSELY IN TOUCH WITH I WOULDN'T HAVE WITNESSED THE WHOLE SCENARIO..I WOULDN'T HAVE ENJOYED IT CUZ ID OF BEEN TO INVOLVED OR UPTIGHT OR STRESSED BUT IT WAS OTHER PEOPLES LIFE'S AND CELEBRATIONS I WITNESSED!! I HAVE ALWAYS DANCED..MANY DIFFERENT PLACES MANY DIFFERENT DANCES...THERE'S JUST NO BAD TIME TO DANCE!!!ITS THERAPY..IN THE LAST TWO DAYS I WATCHED MY FIANCE DANCE DOWN THE ISLE OF A STORE WE WERE SHOPPING IN..THEN LAST NIGHT I WAS SITTING AT MY COMPUTER AND WATCHED MY SON DANCE FROM THE BATHROOM ALL THE WAY ACROSS THE HALL TO HIS ROOM AND I SMILED!! ITS A CONNECTION..IT ATTRACTS PEOPLE TO EACH OTHER AND IT BRINGS COMFORT TO SITUATIONS AT ANY GIVEN TIME!!! I NEVER CARED TOO MUCH ABOUT WEDDINGS OR THOSE TYPES OF THINGS TIL I WITNESSED THE DANCING WHILE AT A MUCH MORE EVOLVED POINT IN MY LIFE...IN TWO MONTHS I GET TO DANCE WITH MY WIFE AND SHE KNOWS I'M A DANCING MACHINE!!!

RIGHTEOUS!!!

2009-05-19T22:20:00.000-07:00

DO SOMETHING RIGHTEOUS WITH YOUR LIFE!I sat here trying to figure out the correct spelling of righteous...we just couldn't get that!!!! a 16 year old..a 2nd grade teacher!!
and me!!! we just couldn't get it!!! anyhow...i wanted to write something because im a fan of mankind!! tonight i saw mike Tyson on ESPN n i was emotional!!! he threw punches for all of us in his day!!!the meek...the rich ..the white the black the brown!!! it didn't matter he was our champ!!!!he threw with HOPE..we lack that these days!!! anyway he was on ESPN and today his movie and cameos and his x-box games have once again gave him a cushion of comfort which after hundreds of blows to the head i pray he finds solace!!!or bliss as we dream!!!sooooo i guess my writings pointless after 4 beers a lakers game against the Denver nuggets in which we lost and my son flew out last night to witness unbeknown to him or me but thats what fate had in store 4 us!!!however after all that my point is manifesting itself now before it escapes my reality ...all i want to say is this.....in 1995 mike Tyson walked out of his dressing room fresh out of prison dripping with parole and fresh prison ink scaring his body..as he made his decent to the ring.. a part of people who cared all around the world died that night!!!after!!!the glory came the sewing!!! mike Tyson won his belt back that night n tupac amur shakur died!!!shortly after the victory that night tupac and suge night we're in a lobby in altercation in Caesars palace in which my mothers sister Laura was a veteran of 20 plus years to wit a 21 aka blackjack dealer in Caesars...during the altercation tupac was seen on hotel lobby cameras kicking a man over and over in the head!!!20 minutes after that while on the way to deathrows club 662 a car pulled along side of tupacs bmw and shots rang out...pac was hit several times... and i being in the circle received the call!!!!tupac was pronounced deceased and my son Tommy Jr was healthy!!!!!all i can say to you that will listen is that i once heard a song where tupac said when he got phone calls collect from on mike Tyson a Nevada inmate!!!Tyson was quoted in pacs lyrics as saying only this to pac after pacs release in 1995 from federal prison!! Tyson only had this to say!!! pac!!! you have to do something righteous with your life!!!okay....so this is where we are!!!!!DO SOMETHING RIGHTEOUS WITH UR LIFE!!!!!!!AS FOR ME I WILL DO SOMETHING RIGHTEOUS...IT AINT ABOUT RELIGION OR YOUR JESUS!!!ITS ABOUT BEING RIGHTEOUS!!! TO YOUR WORLD!!! ITS IMPORTANT..I WILL BE RIGHTEOUS TO MY WIFE!! TO MY SON!!! TO MY FAMILY!!! TOO OLIVER WHO ISNT EVEN WAITING TO BREATHE YET BUT I KNOW IN MY HEART HE'S COMING...OR TO LILLY!!!..THAT'S JUST PLAIN RIGHTEOUS!!! SOME OF OUR PAST ICONS NEVER HEEDED THE SIGNS OF THEIR FUTURES BUT AS FOR ME BEING A NON-COM FORMANT..I CHOOSE TO DO SOMETHING RIGHTEOUS!!!!...as for tupac its sad to see talent destroyed by the intoxication of being caught up in this world!!!In my heart i believe pac was headed down the road to that of a righteous path!!!I've been there..where he was i mean!!!fresh out of the joint all eyes on me ...intoxicated by the comfort of violence and silence!!! those words have power so i will close with them!!!DO SOMETHING RIGHTEOUS WITH YOUR LIFE!!!!

FLASH THEORY

2009-04-09T19:37:00.000-07:00

FLASHES....I SEE THEM ALOT!!! I OFTEN WONDER IF EVERYONE SEES THEM BECAUSE ITS PRETTY COMMON IF MY INFO IS RIGHT..AS FOR ME THOUGH THE FLASHES I SEE ARE MOSTLY OF BAD TIMES...I WONDER WHY?? I CAN'T TRULY SAY IF I SEE GOOD FLASHES??I REALLY CAN'T SAY THAT!!I SEEM TO DAYDREAM GOOD SCENES IN MY LIFE BUT FLASHES ARE DIFFERENT..I HAVE SPOKEN OF THEM TO TWO PEOPLE...I TRIED TO EXPLAIN THESE FLASHES I WITNESS..I'L BE OUT SOMEWHERE OR JUST AT HOME AND THE FLASHES ARISE..I WILL EXPLAIN WHAT IM TRYING TO DESCRIBE IN WORDS SO IL TRY IN ANOTHER WAY..IL TELL YA ABOUT A FEW OF THESE REA CURING FLASHES...THE REASON THEY ARE SOMETHING WORTHY OF A BLOG IS BECAUSE MY FLASHES HAVE VOLUME...I CAN HEAR CERTAIN THINGS...BUT MOSTLY BAD OR DANGEROUS THINGS!!!I WILL TAKE FOR INSTANCE I'L SEE A TIME WEN I LAYED A GUN DOWN ON THE COUNTER AND I CAN HEAR THE METALS WEIGHT!!!I MEAN I CAN HEAR THAT ITS HEAVY...THE FLASHES ARE MOSTLY A BLUR BUT THE SOUND IS CLEAR..IF YOU HAVE READ MY BLOG THEN YOU KNOW I USED TO WALK BOTH SIDES OF THE FENCE!! MY ACTIONS WEREN'T LOVELY BUT I TRIED TO KEEP A LOVELY HEART...WHAT IM SAYING IS I FANCIED MYSELF AN OUTLAW!!I WAS AN OUTLAW BACK THEN FOR CERTAIN SO NOW I SEE FLASHES..WHEN I STARTED TO WRITE AND TALK ABOUT THIS JUST NOW IT SEEMED SO MUCH MORE EXCITING...LIFES FUNNY THAT WAY...YOU NEVER KNOW HOW THINGS WILL TURN OUT??WE EXPECT ALOT SOMETIMES..ANYWAYS I WAS JUST TRYING TO EXPLAIN MY FLASHES THATS ALL...I WILL HAVE A FLASH N THEN IT WILL ALTER MY DAY,MY MOOD ECT!!!WHEN I WAS IN PRISON AFTER ABOUT THE 5TH OR 6TH YEAR I STORED SOME FLASHES THAT I WISH I COULD JUST WIPE AWAY...IM ENVIOUS OF COMPUTERS THAT WAY...COMPUTERS GOT IT EASY..THEY JUST GET THEIR HARDRIVE WIPED AND THEIR NEW AGAIN...SOUNDS LIKE BLISS YA???IM SITTING HERE THINKING OF WHAT TO SAY NEXT AND FLASHES RACED BY...I SEEN MY BOY MIKEY..WELL I SAW HIS FACE I MEAN..HE WOULD SMILE EVERYNITE WHEN ID GET HOME FROM MY JOB AT THE DAIRY...THE PRISON I WAS AT BACK THEN HAD A DAIRY AND I WORKED THERE FOR ABOUT A YEAR OR SO...I WORKED AS A HEAT OBSERVER AND I DELIVERED CALVES FED THEM BY BOTTLE AND EVETUALLY RAN THE CAFBARN AND ABSORBED EVERYTHING I COULD..EVERYTHING FROM BREAKING DOWN A CALF PEN FULL OF OLD HAY AND LYE AND WHO KNOWS WHAT ELSE??SHIT YES LOTS OF IT...COWS KINDA DISGUSTING..BUT HEY...THEIR COWS!!!SO YEAH I EVENTUALLY BECAME A HEAT OBSERVER AND LEARNED THE ARTIFICAL WAYS THEY IMPREGNATE COWS..ITS A HUGE BUISNESS..OUR DAIRY MADE 6 MILLION A QUARTER....JUST ON MILK...SO ANYWAY ID COME HOME AT LIKE ONE OR TWO IN THE MORNING FROM THE DAIRY AND MIKE WOULD BE THERE WAITING WITH NACOS OR WHATEVER WE WERE COOKING THAT NIGHT..SOMTIMES THE DAIRY GUYS BROUGHT ME FOOD FROM THE STREET..PLUS THE PRISON CAMP GREW JALEPENOS SO WE HAD BURRITOS OR NACHOS ALOT..SO ANYHOW MIKE WOULD HAVE BOTH OUR TV'S ON AND BOTH OUR LITTLE RADIOS BLARING SOME TOP TEN HORRIBLE RAP SHIT BUT HEY HE WAS 17...HE WAS SENT TO ADULT PRISON BECAUSE HE GOT IN TROUBLE IN YOUTH PRISON FOR GANG ACTIVITY...YA HE HAD ANOTHER SIDE OF HIMSELF TOO..ANYHOW HE'D BE UP MAKING IT AN EVENT WHEN I CAME HOME AND I HAVE FLASHES ABOUT IT..WE WOULD SMOKE N JOKE AND PLAY CARDS OR DOMINOS AND LISTEN TO MUSIC TIL 6AM..I REMEBER ONCE WE HAD SMUGGLED SOME WEED IN THRU THE DAIRY AND WE SAT THEIR AT 3 AM WITH OUR MUSIC VIBRATING OUR LITTLE CELL AND MIKEY LOOKED OVER AT ME AND SAID..WE AINT IN PRISON HOMIE!! I LOOKED BACK AND SAID YA I FEEL YA...HE HAD ONLY TWO YEARS ON A SMALL 5 YR SENTENCE SO I KNEW HE'D BE LEAVING SOON..I USED TO GET MAD AT MYSELF FOR CARING ABOUT HOW HURT ID BE WHEN HE LEFT FOR HOME AT LEAST 3 YEARS BEFORE ME...AND HE DID...THREE MONTHS AFTER THAT HIS GIRLFRIEND SENT ME A CATHOLIC ULOGY FROM MIKES FUNERAL EARLIER THAT WEEK...THE WEEK BEFORE HE DIED HE SENT ME A LETTER AND SAID HE COULDN'T WAIT TO SEE ME IN THE NORTHSIDE AND ALL THE FUN IT WAS GONNA BE..I REMEMBER THE END OF THAT LETTER HE SAID HE WAS DOING GOOD BUT HE COULD FEEL HIMSELF SLIPPING MORE AND MORE EVERYDAY!! WHEN THE POLICE ARRIVED AT HIS MURDER SCENE THEY FOUND A NINETEEN YEAR OLD LAYING ON HIS SIDE WITH TWO BULLETS IN HIS HEAD AND THREE FEET AWAY WAS A HANDGUN!!!THE PEOPLE THAT KILLED HIM TRIED TO MAKE THE THING LOOK LIKE SUICIDE BUT THEY WEREN'T ALL THAT SMART..TWO BULLETS!!!TWO BULLETS TWO BULLETS..SUICIDE AND UR DONE ON THE FIRST BULLET...ANYWAY IT CAME OUT HE WAS MURDERED OVER THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD STRUGGLE THING I GUESS..DRUGS GUNS GANG AFFILIATION WHATEVER...HIS GIRLFRIEND TOLD ME THE STORY OF HIS DEATH AND SHE DESCRIBED PULLING UP TO THE SCENE AND HER NIGHTMARE BEGAN!!!I UNDERSTOOD...NIGHTMARES FLASHES..I FEEL THEY ARE KINDA THE SAME..MY FLASHES ARE LIKE NIGHTMARES ONLY WHEN IM AWAKE..ALOT OF THIS WRITING MAT SEEM DARK OR JUST ABOUT THE BAD TIMES BUT IM TRYING TO JUST SEE THE GLASS AS HALF FULL AND CALL MY FLASHES A WARNING TO MYSELF..LIKE A REMINDER...I THINK THEY STICK WITH ME TO REMIND ME OF HOW I GOT HERE AND MAYBE THEY ARE ALSO MY CROSS..LIKE KARMA OR SUMTHN??? IM NOT CERTAIN BUT LAST WEEK I WAS AT A RESTAURANT WITH THE LOVE OF MY LIFE N A COUPLE OF PALS AND I SAW MY MOST REOCCURRING FLASH..ITS THE GUN BEING LAYED DOWN ON ITS SIDE ON A FLOOR OR COUNTER TOP AND HEARING THE WEIGHT OF IT...IT SOUNDS SO HEAVY!!!

NOT WHAT IT SEEMS!!!

2009-03-15T12:01:00.000-07:00

The barbershop has always been one of my favorite places to visit..although its been quite less as iv'e aged!!i used to go once a week on fridays and carried this tradition on for many many years!!!Anyhow i drift when i blog....so if i appear sparatic in my stories or writings as many call blogging..i however prefer to just say im talking..or telling stories of the past..depends on my frame of thoughts at the time!!so anyways when i write here i scattered....i jump from stories of my prision years to the present day..i at times fill my stories with a hatred directed at the person and life i embraced!!!or at times i may seem cocky and as if i glorify the past??those are just demons i fight is all!!!its easy for me to root for the badguys sometimes because ive seen the actions of the so called goodguys in living type situations..definition..the years of living in the system..getting to know figures of authority...building almost friendships with guards opposing lawyers and even some of the very officers that put me where i was ..however as i lived i realized it was me who put me there!!!i met decent men and evil men...its just very distorted when the goodguys are worse then the badguys and youv'e witnessed some things up close!!so yes at times my writing jumps from not wanting to talk more about prison stories to telling more in blogs of that world!!so mornings like this i feel more of a story mode in writing so i want to share a brief story...its actually things i lived and i remember them well so hopefully if you read this you'l be amused..hahaha i kid i kid..but seriously i started this blog talking about the barber shop and how the weekly ritual is something i enjoyed....So okay then it was a friday..its always Fridays when the barbershop is one appointment you don't miss for anything..i used to plan my day around it..see the weekends starting its nice to start it with something new like a haircut..and shave if you go that route??i personaly love the whole hot towel thing..its missed these days..not just by me but i think lots of the old ways are missed..i still know where they exist but thats a different time n life for me...so anyway it was friday and i had to manuver the day perfect..but my priority was hittn the barbershop before 4 and i'l get into that later..so i went to see if my clothes were done being laundered and starched n pressed??i had close friend who seperated my laundry from other public wash cycles cuz he put my stuff in a special soap that was very easy and non irritating on my skin...so i checked with him at 7am and he said my laundred clothes would be delivered at 11am..i love deleveries..il tell ya why later..so next i thanked my friend and went to see how my finances looked for the week..i used to count everything or pay to have it done..and id monitor it peridically as id be in between friday rituals...next id go see if i could get someone actually pay someone to sign my name on the roll call in the class i was enrolled in on fridays..that way id get credit still n could make my friday more of a stress free day then gettn all worked up over things that fridays can present..so i'd next make sure id stuck my head in the barbershop to see if my barber was there and hadnt called in sick or anything dramatic that day....id say hey ronald il be in around 3 is that cool doggie???he'd sometimes be in a goodmood or sometimes he'd wanna negotiate...id end the negotiations quick by letting him know i was gonna tip him above n beyond whatever bullshit customer he was placing in his friday debacle...i alwayz knew he was just hurting for cash but i liked him and even did a few other things with him outside the workplace..we made a few bucks together but il tell ya more about that later..so this day he was in a good mood n said ya i'l see ya at 3..i gotta light day so far so tell ur cousin and a few of your boyz i can fit em in if they need a trim?? i said cool id bring some of my troops to get cuts cuz it makes the shop more fun when you dont have to worry abt sensoring your conversations...wed often fill the whole shop by 12 noon and everyone else was turned away!!so we parted with pleasantries n i was off.....i went by jasons and said hey i got you in the shop with me before 3..you down??he always counted on this so he'd be like ya you know the deal il see ya before then a few times right??he too took or had his weekly laundry done at the same place..well we all did but only jason used my friend to use the soft laundry soap on his stuff because its a little pricier but i figured its worht it just on knowing your laundries seperate from everyone elses right???makes sense dont it??hhaah just seeing if you paying attention cuz this is gonna get good..real good...so next id shake hands with jason and stop next at a few spots where i had some financial interests and we'd discuss money profits and need and demand...at that time demand was at a high because a new building opened and money was to be made before the boring routines and militant patterns formed...well then..id conversate with guys i was in buisness with and sometimes id let one or two know theres empty seats at the barbershop n i could get em in!!!then id say bye and try to make it to the place where i got fresh vegatables for fridays dinner and u'd think we'd go out being friday but i never did ...but il tell ya why later...so id get an assortment of tomatoes onions bellpeppers and a few other things depending on deleviries...id have someone deliver them to my house later and id be happy all was going accordingly on my weekend start..so next id make a few calls and see if i could either workout before lunch or was there buisness to attend??friday lunches were more of meeting then eatings cuz you wanna save your appetite for the friday nite dinner..trust me you do!!so this day i slid thru lunch and sat with a few of my friends and buisness associates and id nibble on a sandwich but mostly be looking at my watch beacause after friday lunch while a chunk of the rat race world would go back to work or even in my world guys would go back to work or school id be thinking of making that barbershop appointment with no outside interference....it was high on my priority list...i think you know???haha okay so next id say later to the fellas and basically make a quick route some might call a b-line for the barbershop!!!id anticipate the whole event...as id approach the huge window with the barbershop stencil id at times feel queezy in my stomach and id crane my neck over the stencil and see the scene!!! yep..jason was there mike was there paul would be sittn across the chairs already telling stories and everyones laughing..the line outside is already going around the corner..and in it i see alotta friendly faces too...no waiting for me though so i walk in n say wat up peoples?? and everyone either says wat up or says a funny putdown as we all slap hands or hug depending on whos who...i always hugged jason to let everyone know we r dear friends and in this im also saying to them ..hes like family and if you have ill intentions towards this man i wont tread lightly....ya see alotta old ways are practiced here from the hot towels i descibed to the shady deals that go on either in the back behind the curtain or right out in frony cuz everyone knows everyone 99 percent of the time here..these barbers are trusted and probably have heard stories worthy of detremental outcomes for those divulging their buisness here..but its a family thing mostly so like i said its an event..so id wait for ronald to brush up his chair wipe of his clippers n and ask what number guard i wanted this week>>are you gettn a shave too??he'd ask???you already know id say!!!id sit back n get my hair trimmed up and listen to stories for the next hour and id imput my own affiliations to some stories and others id just listen too...some of my friends would already have a bottle of alchohol under the barberchair??? 1in the afternoon n their already sippin sum act right..i called it act right cuz some tempers are dampened by alcohol while others are fueled by it!!!either way have a sip of act right is what id say if thats how they got by?? so anyhow id listen laugh tell stories maybe take a hit of a joint someone passed and id listen to the music vibrate...thats the thing every barbershop has a 63 year old owner who has the same am fm piece of shit radio with either a hanger or tinfoil wrapped around the broken antenna for better reception...>but on fridays reception seemed better then most days...to me anyway!!!so next id see what everyone was doing later that night??whos place was everyone going to??reds? our spot? where?? then id check my haircut out n say ron was the man.. id hand him his payment with a little extra if i really liked the haircut and he'd usually say he needed to come by my place later n id say you know your welcome see ya then and id walk.....id move past chairs and look at my friends haicuts and id make jokes about how fucked up their haircut looks and id say stuff about how the ricky martin look was really working or watever putdown i could muster..then id whisper something to jason.shake his hand and begin my departure knowing the outside line awaited..id look back to the barbers and say bye and ask if everyone was good and id depart....as i opened the door id have a couple guys already motioning me and id either say i was busy or id approach...the conversation ranged from them wanting to borrow money or to complain about someone or to just bullshit...id always hope it wasnt drama..i hated when drama messed with my friday release...so i said later to the guys in line and went to check on the plans for the night...everything was lovely after the haircut..i felt new after a haircut...i felt as if my friday routine was just that..ROUTINE...there was times in my life i prayed for routine because drama could mean you wouldnt be seeing tommorow..the thing is this!!! friday barbershop rituals were beacause at 5pm on fridays are visiting days times for family friends and loved ones to see you..for you to see them...i always wanted to walk out to visits looking new..sometimes itd be a visit from my dad who flew out to see me and made it a mini vacation by staying a few days in town and adding to the friday ritual excitement...so yes as i wrote this i wondered if my brother would put two n two together early and realize the barbershop was a prison barbershop!!jason is a dear friend we call snoopy and the vegatable run and laundered clothes were prison kitchen hustles and prison laundry faciliteis..i was an inmate at a new facility which im sure now is 90 percent more militant and regulated facility then it was..but we were the first..we molded the place..we molded guards and visiting and basically it was our playground..i wasnt who i am now and thats why i had suck a cushioned lifestyle in there...everyone i chose to interact with on a personal level was because we we running the place and everyone was in line and for the time i loved it there...i had homies who would protect me and knew id return the favor...my barber would sell large quantaties of tabacco for me and my crew and those were some of the whispers i detailed earlier in the writing..the rest well..use your imagination..it takes alotta of energy and wits not to mention heart to live above poverty outside can you imagine trying it inside???that was the goal...to grab whatever you could of the outside world and bring pieces of it inside..it made you feel more real..like u had some extra freedoms even if they sound microscopic to you..beleive me when you cant see over that wall sometimes a deep drag of a smuggled cigarette somehow takes you over the wall temporarily...i dont try to glorify these past paths i walked down but thats because i moved on and dont i live that way or taint my life with any aspect of my past years...i have got some feedback that people wanna know about it so i'l tell about it!!!!it could be months before im in a place to write about the years i was gone but i'l more then likely tell again another day...today however im good....im not only working for a stable company but iv'e just accepted a new job that is a place iv'e worked hard to be in...theres pros and cons...but there always is...frankly im just happy to have a job..n blessed to be moving on to something better..don't think in saying that i mean blessed in a religious way...if you have a GOD it might not be someone elses GOD so i choose not to go there..i believe family n friends bless you as much as our gods do...anyway i hadnt talked here in a while and stress can sometimes distort opinions of writings so i blog more when times are successful...or at least lately i guess...well im gonna go but im glad mjs working and my weddings in July....I WILL SEE SOME OF YOU AT MY BACHELOR PARTY RIGHT GUYS???HAHAHHA LET ME KNOW IF THIS BLOG SUCKED MUCH?? i just say what i say!!!PEACE

THE AFTERMATH

2009-01-12T18:33:00.000-08:00

I wrote a blog a few days or weeks ago then i told my brother it takes alot out of me to converse these feelings,these thoughts these memories...when i write i at times stop and delete it because i dont want the stories replaying in my head for hours or even days at times..when i read something good i remember it forever..like when i read about the main character in cacher in the rye sat in a museum exhausted after a journey through emotions finally fatigued by his life!! or when che walked his motorcycle when it wouldnt run because of one problem or the other?? or the little brother in aztec when he saw his sister in a display window for circus freaks!!! well hell i even remember when bathsheebas husband had to much love for his wife so he took his drunk ass to the porch and slept it off!!! i also remember hoe i felt when the princess turned peasant in pillars of the earth got thrown out of her own castle when the kingdom was overthrown!! and finally i remember when gesepe and his son hid in a hole with all their possessions melted into gold bars made into a belt to conceal their sole belongings when the soldiers turned their colony into chaos!!! so my point is that when i write these blogs they sometimes take weeks to push them to the back of my mind!!!the good talks are happily embraced and even missed when they become hazy!!however the stories of the past hurt me sometimes just as those events hurt more then myself back in those times!!!i rarely write about my mom or friends that iv'e watched be taken as if they were never here at all!!we as people comfortably put the things that make us emotional in a kinda of suspension retrievable when are hearts and minds can accept it!!so yes i dont blog often as id like i guess but thats only cuz my heart haswnt the walls i once kept it surrounded with!!!iv'e recently become engaged to someone who if you have met already i needent say more...all these things are emotional because of where we and i have come or gone or already been!! my mom wont be at my wedding and i missed my brothers wedding but he'l be here for mine!!i got out of prison a month or two late for some barely missed events..my little cellmate mikey got murdered 3 weeks before i came home..id just received a letter from him in which he stated brother i'l see you in three!!!he wont be at my wedding either!!he took two bullets to the head by a 14 yr old gangmember trying hard to foloow a path i helped lay!!its okay though cuz now i help divide that path!!!my first move in that chess game was taking myself out of the game first!!!next was to flood my sons thoughts with the choices and outcomes in life!!!i often think of my wedding day and i sulk for the people who wont be there!!!but then its okay because just think of the people that will!!! well im about to cook some fish and asparagus spears and maybe after that i'l relax...il absorb these thoughts n probably miss mikey but make a qiuck recovery thinking about all that i have!!!we make these choices and we deal with these outcomes!!it's just nice to write about things that leave a lovely aftertaste sometimes...its less of a beating on my heart!!!i always sign off with a witty conclusion so tonight won't be any different!! in that il just say this.. i walked by my sons room today while he was not aware i wa watching and he was doing a lil dance and inside i laughed but outside i got teary i remember when i was his age and even now!!sometimes you just dance!!! you celebrate life when you have a moment of freedom from stress and we DANCE!!!

WHAT DID I MISS???

2008-12-20T08:43:00.000-08:00

My first day out of prison....i thought about telling you about my last night in prison but its too much for me to express without all the emotional outcome overwhelming my saturday morning..its early..way too early for an emotional wreck!!!So instead the day i left...they start around 5am and shuffle evryone to chow earlier then your regular routine..your housed in a pod designed for either comming into the system or leaving!!many men have died in these cells..in the early 1800s when that place was built it was metal cast iron cages..then in the 1900s it became 6 by 11 cement cells...in the 70s it was rated the most violent prison in the us. i walked the yard with my close friend grandpa g and he pointed out many points of interest in the several years i walked the yard while he'd run down the old ways...he wasnt a good man..hes in his 70s now n everybit as dangerous if not more dangerous then he was in those days..the difference is now it would be his soldiers doing his deeds for him..earning serious status in stripes for protecting a legend behind those walls..we'd walk and talk i grew to not fear him as much but actually began to care about him and learn from this small old man...he showed me a path between two handball courts called blood alley..he explained in the 70s many men entered the alley and never returned with their life!!!anyway the morning i left he was in holding awaiting a medical trip as his health these days is deteriorating rapidly!! wages of sin i assume???he has 11 life sentences for killing 3 guards in an attempted armor truck heist!!!i once asked him why he killed all three???I HAD NO CHOICE..hmmmmmm this choice thing comes up often when your older..so anyhow at 6 am they start poping doors for you to bring your laundry down and this is when you really know your going home!!!many doors don't pop because of bond holds outta state warrants new charges ect. ect. so trust my words its the longest hour of your life.....my door popped!!!!i almost fainted...i grabbed my laundry and began my walk down the tier...iv'e told this story to one person before..my brother mj..in a letter that i mailed upon my release.. i kept a pad n pen for the whole departure and began the night before and ended the letter after i was in my dressout clothes awaiting the final gate to open!!!as i began my decent down the tier many voices rang out and my name but my nickname rang out and many things were said and some were heard!!i remember hearing>>hey CC do good outhere gansta send picures homie!!! and hey CC are you nervous dog??? and CC CC cc cc cc!!!! as i walked i told myself i have my niece and brother on each shoulder like angelic beings...angelz on my shoulders protecting my decent!!!i was almost thru it and grandpa gs ceel was 3rd to the last...i wondered what id say???i got closer and close...i didnt look into any cells i dint want to see any faces..as i passed his cell i didnt look at him...but i know he saw the tears running down my cheeks!!!anyway the rest went by like a whirlwind and it was on!!!the gate opened i was greeted by a friend that picked me up..i was given a new outfit shoes cellphone sum jewlery a few gifts and was chauferred away to my town!!!i stopped about 15 minutes away and met up with a prison guard who i gave a can of tobacco a pack of lighters a nd a gallon of vodka also a bag of macdonalds 99cent cheeseburgers and fries...ya i owed man...the guard would later bring them into the prison to my crew and my name would certainly ring out once more!!!ya see i got love in there for having this heart..do u think theyd stop n do all that for me???a free man out here and i stopped and did what i said i'd do...my best friend in there told me before i left..hey homie if you dont get a chance to meet up with the guard dont trip noone will be mad we are used to it..even the guard who was more with us then with the system had her doubts..yes HER doubts..but they cant figure out what they don't understand is there will always be men amongst men who have a lil more heart..who are loyal to a game that shows them no rewards??that isn't loyal to anyone and promises detrimental outcomes to everyone who has crossed paths with you!!anyway i finally arrived in my neighborhood around12 noon...i drove to an old apartment complex best described by shows such as the wire and any related shows revealing the drug and gang culture!!!i saw the lookouts and heard the whistles and watched the corner boys watch me with concern and no exspressions..i parked and got out..theres a basketball court in the middle of the complex and many actions stopped and focused on me...i opened the car door and turned around and changed my shirt for all to view my collage of prison ink i was so proud of!!!once i felt all my tatoos had been understood and taken in i turned around...just as i knew here came the boys...alotta kids n older guys came towarz me with smiles throwing up hoods and areas with their fingers...i scanned the group looking for one face..i saw it!!!a tall kid in the middle wearing all north carolina gear and a huge smile...it was him..my son!!!i shuffled thru the crowd n we hugged and i cried..my son said this is my dad big CC from the joint!!!it was a blurry of introductions..this is manuel we call him pelon..this is jos'e aka dreamer ect ect...i turned and hugged the youngsters and various questions rang out???do you know my dad,my brother my primo??what yars were you on iz my carnal cool do u like daddy yankee???do u need work u got a piece yet ???yo ur shoes are tight!!!after it all me n my son got in the car and drove...lets hit the swapmeet alright t i said???ya im down he said...we went to the swapmeet and got sum clothes more to our liking and it was funny cuz in the swapmeet i heard my name ring out immediately..i guess this is where the gangsterz go..alotta guys id been in prison with came over and said hey...no hugs out here cuz we were on a new playing field.street shit aint the pinta playa!!beefs dropped in there but out here it was the game n the street!!we didnt hug cuz everyone has guns in their waste...yes even after all my evolving i still carried heat!!!im not a dumb person!!!many choices can end in one instant and my first day out i wasnt about to die...not without a fight i mean...anyway we got our gear n headed to meet up with all my extended family mostly related to my son by blood and to me by gang affiliation!!! we pulled up to the resteraunt and shit got deep...i was hugged and greeted by everyone and we sat down orderd and waited for our food..i began to get warm then hot the i felt nacious sic.. i almost threw up!!!i looked around and people were whispering and pointing and i heard an elderly lady tell he husband i asked my nephew to accompany me to the bathroom and i walked in and completley broke down..i cried n cried and he'd already been outta prison a year and said damn uncs i told everyone it was too soon for you to come out to a resteraunt!!!we stood in silence and i washed my face n walked back out to our table..noone said anything and my son looked at me and nodded his head and we ate....i said my goodbyes and we drove off...i sat back n nodded off.. my adrenaline left and i was numb...when i sat down to write this morning this wasnt where i was going..but its where i ended up..hope ya feel me..i may finish this or i may talk about other things..but today a great deal later then where this story started im in my home with the christmas tree lit he firplace on...my laptop humming the music echoing and im warm and comfortable...no more game..nomore guns nomore traffik no more homiez no more crown!!!my sons asleep in his room and hes awaiting christmas morning ...its quiet here ...amongst the music and all its quiet!!theres no lookouts here theres no gang whistles signs or mentality..there are nomore soldierz awaiting orderz their are no more grand entrances to and from bars clubs or prision yards therez just silence and memories of a life so far gone i cant even recite it without thinking deep!!!i walk to the car unarmed nowdays i eat out and dont care if my backs to the front entrance i have a beatiful life..my son has one too...two years now and a quote from my favorite series the wire replays over and over in my head!!!IM HOME NOW!! IM HOME!!!

SILENCE

2008-12-18T20:08:00.000-08:00

YA I HAVE TO FEEL A CERTAIN WAY TO TALK 4 A BLOGG!!!WRITING,TALKING WHATEVA YOU SAY!!!ITS OUR PERSPECTIVE THAT BLEEDS INTO INK AND EVOLVES INTO WORDS TYPED ON OUR PAGES!!!WITH THAT SAID I WAS THINKING ABOUT SILENCE!!!THE DIFFERENT KINDS??I REMEMBER WHEN SILENCE THREATNED MY HEALTH!! so anyway i feel like wen im sittn next to people be it my girl or my brother or my son..in between our conversing we enjoy comfortable silence and its priceless..i love to stare at my bestfriend while she drives n talks to me or just sits there quiet!!!i go to my dads house n sumtimes i lay way deep into hiz couch n enjoy the silence...its never silent there but my own silence is lovely while i listen and learn???itz one of my favorite things in the world to watch people live!!!i dont have much to say tonight however i wanted to talk about thiz thing i remembered on the movie jesse james by robert ford the coward...jesse had a repetitive eye type movent condition and the narrorator expressed thoughtz that jesses condition was almost as if the world was too much for jesse to see and take in all at once!!! i think of the statement often cuz my brothers gift for my birthday this year was a surgical removal of a tattoo on my face that symbolized convictionz!!! i didnt get the lazer i received the procedure of having it cut off of my face with a surgical knife..ever since iv'e had a flutter n twitch constantly!!! so i guess i think of that narrators wordz alot!!!ITS AS IF THE WORLD WAS TO BIG FOR HIM TO SEE AND TAKE IN!!!we know my reason my eye twitches to a 99 percent accuaracy however jesses aliement was guessed and opinions were revealed but maybe it was from a thousand different outcomes as a reasult of those times!!!its just funny to ponder what opions will be given on our conditions or aliemants to those hearing stories or reading books or watching movies of our time and us personally!!!just sum thoughts....

my brother's music

2008-12-08T21:52:00.000-08:00

my brother loves radiohead, thinks his taste is better than mine and virtually every other human being on the planet. now that i have listened to the song, i think i get it. i guess he's right.

ARRIVAL part three

2008-10-23T18:06:00.000-07:00

Before i tell more of this story about my life i want anyone reading this to understand that my writing isn't guidelined,i spell badly at times i end sentences wrong i fuck up phrases and sometimes my writings all over the place not to mention my puncuation is laughable i am only relieved you don't have to read this in my own handwriting...i write this way because thats what i do...this is me....iv'e read alot inside and out...i continue to read and learn..thats what im about im trying to evolve and writing runs in my family ...it's our gift some people tell me anyway...so anyway im just talking here.......i'l get back to the blog about my first days of prison but the point of all that is where i am now...im home with the a/c on listening to my ipod writing on my laptop...i just came home from work at a job i love and this is pretty much my life now....well actually it's much better then that but we'l talk about that later....i'l give ya a peek into the last three years since i left that life..iv'e been to the fray,blue october, coldwarkids,denguefever,the brazilian girlz,blondie,the music fests in hollywood,the casbah on clash night,catalina, santa barbara and cornodo island...i caught sharks all summer n cardiff and surfed and boogeyboarded the coast wide over...iv'e hike torrey pines and fished those coves at the lagoon...iv'e been to my nieces birthdayparty's every year since iv'e been home....i toasted many times at many resteraunts with many good people...iv'e eaten suishi twice and hated it both times...me n my brother have had many drunken nights....we played pool all across the valley from my dads to the colorado to the brass and even an irish pub at 2am drunk as hell....me n my bestfriend and girl have drinkin pints of guiness at the sod while mj sang...my son opened presents on our living room floor for christmas and his birthday and sometimes just cuz im home now...we had barbecues out back and even lil vinny showed...i golfed badly on a sunday with my brother but that ain't the point did you hear me i said i went golfing???all of these things are small compared to what im leaving out but thats personal...i will say this....i was at the beach ocean fishing with my son this summer and i hope everyone in their life gets to feel something comparable to the way i felt when my son caught 3 sandsharks in one day...we were side by side and my girlfriend shared the expirience...with us...he's still a kid and the weight of th world was lifted for a day and he smiled...he's not unusual he's just another kid who had his dad come home after missing his life due to choices i'd made....theres millions of kids who live that everyday...but on that day we were just fishing and smiling alot.....

ARRIVAL ON THE YARD part two

2008-10-23T12:25:00.000-07:00

The bus stopped and again we were shuffled off and coralled like cows in a group...noone was acting tuff everyone looked guilty..to me thats the same look as scared cuz you know the gigs up..the prison guards are built like tanks and they start the intimidating right off..they hurried us into a place called the fishtank where you are sprayed with a lye like substance and you give 3 viles of blood they take your photos and issue your prison gear and finally feed you...theres a window to the prison yard and the lowest form of mankind was viewed by all through that window...some tuff guy prisioners would stop n stare at you as if to say just wait til your on this side of the glass punk your ass is mine...i stared back !!!I wasn't really worried about the inmates as much as never seeing the people i loved again...next i was taken to my cell in the fishtank where i'd be housed for six weeks on 24 hour 7 day a week lockdown..at the time i almost lost it..later in my prison career i'd do 2 years in the hole and it wouldn't even phase me but this was the beginning so i wasn't coping i was slowly losing my grip...when i was brought into the fish tank cell immediately i put my food flap down and surveyed the inmates coming to everyones cell offering cigarettes weed heroin stamps lighters matches ect...the first thing they wanna know is your gang affiliation so if your connected or clicked up as we said..they'd give you love meaning the prices went from 3 stamps for a smoke to like 20 smokes for a couple stamps or even a few free smokes n maybe a joint or stamps...i bought like 30 smokes for a couple stamps and sat at my little table and rolled smokes and kicked around some stories with my cellie[cellmate] and we smoked and joked nervously...my intake passed and the day came to go to the main line[the main prison housing yard] and i rolled up my stuff and was escorted down a cement path surrounded by razorwire and above every path was a cat walk where guards with shotguns and machine guns roamed intensely....i looked over at a big sign that i thought was a stopsign but it read NO WARNING SHOTS i asked one of the guards what that means and he said if you make an agressive move on a guard or another inmate we reserve the right to shoot to kill no warning shot..i waited at the gate and was cleared to go through..as i continued through it was just a pure scene of racial ignorance..mexicans piled up whites piled up and blacks everywhere...the mexicans yelled out we'l see you in side essay..i looked at them and said to myself those are the men who will end my life...i continued on and some crips said whats up cuz and a whiteboy said who you riding with partner?? i just walked into my pod and was directed to my cell and i went in threw my shit on the bed and waited for them essays...soon enough they came but i wasn't all that scared i was just hoping if they stabbed me it was done fast..and i was kinda hoping i would just die that day and it'd all be over...the shotcaller came in my cell with his troops behind him and said you alright??? i said not really man...he said heres the rules no giving blacks deals with blacks use the mexican phone the mexican toilets and showers and you can trade with the whiteboys as long as you get equal value in return..he said don't gamble if you can't pay only eat or play cards with mexicans or whites if theres no tables left throw your food away and come back and we'l feed you..he said you have to cut your hair ..shaved heads or crew cuts only...you have to wear shoes to and from the shower laced and tied no shower shoes on the yard or cardtables...incase we go to war you can't be in showershoes...he ran down the politics and motioned to his soldiers they came over with a box..they all said some words in spanish and left..he said your on thrucha[eyes[this means we are watching you for prospecting purposes of the prison gang world... he left and i opened the box..it was full of smokes soap toothpaste cards stamps coffee some weed pencils paper deodorant and matches and about 20 ramen noodle soups...i put a soup in a bowl and added hot water and rolled a smoke...i took a drag and inhaled deep ...i let the smoke out and almost fainted...adreniline was escaping now...my cellie was at work in the kitchen so i made my bed looked out my door closed it and reopened it..i looked around for anyone i could befriend real quick...i saw a guy sitting on the steps of his tier and i called him over...i said where can i get some protection??? he said "you crippin"?? i said fo-sho!!! he left and returned with a lid from a soup can and said"i'l watch for the man hurry up and put it together...county jail had taught me how to assemble a shank outta almost nothing...so i bent the metal and made sure one side was dull[to hold ] and oneside was sharp[to kill]...he said c-ya and i closed my door... i tied dental floss around the shank tied one end to the toilet handle and flushed it...[this way to retrieve it i just had to grob the floss and to flush it just cut the rope if the guards came in battleramming...next i put up a few pictures of my son and i layed down face first on my rack buried my head in my pillow and cried till i fell asleep........

ARRIVAL ON THE YARD [1st day in prison]

2008-10-23T11:06:00.000-07:00

I was woken up at about 3.30 am. I had been in count awaiting transport to prison for my first time...i had been in county on trial and playing lawyer games for over 4 months and after trial i awaited this day...county jail is so bad that i couldn't wait to get to prison. As i said previously i was awoke at 330am and i was nervous ,sweating in fact...i viewed myself as tuff and mean when duty called but inside i have always been a sweetguy....persay..so anyhow the guard yelled james get ur ass up in 5 and transports in route...I was excited to see my homie from my click[gang] or whatever it's called these days..to us it was our team...so i rolled up my bed threw my hygeine kit in a bag grabbed my box of letters and pictures and headed down to the holding tank...the door opened and my game face was on.."watz up cuz" i said loudly to greet my homeboy slim and also to let it be known my gang status was on point...i hugged slim n we sat around n kicked war stories about our adventures in count the last 100 days plus...i asked if he had some weed and we rolled a joint out of toilettepaper wrap and told more stories[the stories take on more events that never really happened when the weed gets in your system but for the most part the stories are good...anyhow i asked slim if he'd eatin anything yet and he said he was anticipating our prison food which was said to be great considering county gives you no solid food...so around 6 they stripped us and shackled us and packed us on a bus....as we got on their were several hardened criminals from other counties and prisons starring at us as we walked down the isl'e..duece try gangsta crip over here i yelled out just to let these men know what we were about..several gang affiliations were spewed back at us and we hustled to the back and sat down and waited...the prison bus drove through the desert for a couple hours and we told and listened to many stories all the way there...the bus slowed and finally crept to a stop and the driver pointed to a destination and said[there's your new home fellas] i looked up and saw 8 towers very close to the sky..on top of each tower was a guard toting a ar17 machine gun..i looked in the middle of the towers at a compound so thick with fog that i couldn't see much...we drove into the facility and the gate closed and i was for the first time in 15 yrs of my life..SCARED i was sick to my stomach man i was really worried......to be continued....

beatiful losers

2008-08-30T10:30:00.000-07:00

This morning i woke up hit the button on my commputer n sat across from my girl...I Logged onto my brothers blogg spot and scrolled through the dates of bloggs closest to the release date of my incarceration.I found what i was looking for....i read it aloud to my girlfriend....you have to understand when i say my girlfriend im not just refering to another girl im passing meaningless time with...im refering to my partner in life..my other half...i mean she's been apart of me since i was a kid and she even younger...13 0r 14 i think???anyway his blogg was created july 22nd the year isn't realative but we'l say its in the past 5...to protect the guilty...anyway i wrote my brother on my last night in prison and in his blogg he recited bits from my letter....it almost broke me this morning...i would have been so much more breakable then cuz i was broken...now i can somewhat control my emotions cuz my life is well...storybook at times....i have a great job that i love,my sons here and my partner in life looks at me and i see loyalty and friendship looking back....i mean when i was vunerable it was mostly cuz i was guilty for the things i was involved in....prison gang life,street gang life,knowing the ways of men who aren't productive for our life...checking drug counts and spots .giving fake smiles in exchange for drugs and money that would be gone faster then those fake smiles...when i was there i was just so far gone i couldn't really see coming back...i used to look around my cell and say [this ain't bad i got a nice one man cell with a tv radio coffee pot even a dog..]plus i was somebody in there and my biggest fear was being a nobody when i got out...these fears were most relevent when my lil son was debating us leaving the big bad streets of the northside...he said..dad we can't leave here..we won't be anybody wherever we go but here we are somebodies...who are we i asked???you kidding dad everyone knows me by my dad..your a real gangster here..respected and therefore noone comes my way with any disrespect cuz of who my dad is and the image i'l follow and represent with pride....fuck man look how detrimental one mans actions can be on a generation not even breathig yet...he was 13 then and his friends youngest brothers were 4 or 5...and they were all down to ride..to pick up the slack..to ensure the existence of ongoing beatiful losers...

reasons

2008-08-25T20:58:00.000-07:00

tressy was a throwback from the cholo vato vida loca era....i remember her make up always heavy on the mascara..to her friends and family she was a tuff streetsmart girl...one who knows about ilegal stuff...criminal goings on...but i never once saw any tuff girl or criminal other then seeing her high a few times...or sometimes when she'd speak to someone in her world in that code[drug code]..onetime one of her husbands who i knew pretty well n who was nice enough..well this guy once took me into the prison my mom was in that year[85] he put two packs of cigarettes in each of my pockets and sai for me not to touch em...yeah right..soon as the words left his mouth i was angling a way to get to the bathroom and get into them cigarettes plus i could sneak a smoke at the same time n get away with it cuz prisons only let one at a time in the visitors bathroom...soooo..i got in and peeled a weak ass disguise of masking tape opened the cigatettes and hoping for maybe a marijuana joint instead i had two seran wrapped balls of brown tar like shit fall into the toilette...i fished em out n shakily returned em back to the cigarette pack and smoked a menthol to stop my hands from shaking...[i almost lost a couple grams of heroin..my moms only life in there] so all was good that day.. i saw mom i did some breakdancing for her friends in the visiting room and my mom smiled alot but also i could tell she needed to have the 12 noon count[when you go back to your cell from your visit and get the drug trade flowing and if ur a indulger you get right yourself] my mom would come back in the second half of the visit much mellower and she'd be happy..dozily but it'd be a lovely visit non the less...she'd do things in those visits that later in life lead me to know that she was preparing me for my future[in prison]....she'd show me why she wore her watch on the inside of her wrist she'd show me how to hide 2 joints and a fifty dollar bill in a rubber hairbrush...she'd tell me how to melt plastic so if you had to hit someone it just be one shot n game over!!! she'd always hide the talk n deeds from my older brother mj but that was mostly cuz she didn't wan't him stressing on me being in there too someday...he always tried to protect and guide ..even when i did make it to prison he'd send books with motives[good ones]..but he just wasn't trying to lose his little brother to the same cycle...getting caught up in this world kinda makes everything blurry though ya know??? anyway i started this blogg saying how i never saw my moms criminal side...then i rode thru stories of criminal guidance she'd program my way...to me she was just larger then everybody..they all talked shit but ran to my mom for favors when they needed her credentials in her world...but know that im grown i know she just thought i needed armor for later and she was right..its just a shame though because i chose to need that armor.....i mean i wasn't lying in my profile about the church..my uncle [stepdad]aka moms brother..he sent me to private school..and set out some good options but i was already intoxicated by my moms world..my birthfathers world...my aun't suzys world..and alotta peoples worlds...my mother passed a trait in me and the best description i can give is if your a bull in a room full of bulls your not the bull who looks away....your the bull who can achieve cuz you believe....that trait single handedly cost me a price i don't even understand yet..i got a better understanding then way back but its hard to realize why???what your reasons where???or what your reasons are!!! it took till 2007 for me to finally let my mom go even though she passed like 20 years ago...it was last year i let the chip off my shoulder...i still keep pieces of her close but stopped the hate i thought she caused indirectly inside me...my girlfriend pulled over on the offramp on our way home from la[my moms stomping grounds]..well my girlfriend pulled over so i could lose control and cry and blurt out all the reasons i'd missed tressy so much and the way our family had no photos or anything of my mom in any of their houses on display and how my moms never gonna meet my son and i had to let the fact that she's never gonna be here again was killing me inside cuz i just wanted her to come back and it have all been a god damn dream...her time in prison my time in prison and finally her death...i just let the reasons go man..that night i just let em go!!!!!

tressy

2008-08-23T12:39:00.000-07:00

this name is known by those whom it means something to...before i discuss her i'l tell ya a lil about me n why im writing...first off i won't use spell check or a dictionary to make myself seem smart or clever..or arrogant..iv'e been there ..many times...i want you to feel me thru my writing so i'l try to spell my best n try to just talk to you....i read alot of books in the 9 yrs i was gone and so i can vision some words that i'l add to try n teach as i learn...when i say teach i just mean that iv'e been on many paths of life and i want to stress the importance of not giving any more life to a lifestyle that intoxicates millions of our youths everyday...me included...also my son...i hate what i loved. two weeks ago i had a tatto removed off my face and these wordz will also eliminate the life i gave what i once held so dear to my heart..i continue to pay for my choices everyday but all i can do is try to promote options for my son and those who would listen...the wages of sin are felt when i listen to my sons reasons for his love for that prior life i once glorified in front of him as an infant.. i was detrimental to his upbringing and now i am reminded of reaping the harvests we sew!! anyway i try to show my son that beyond the homiez n the familia and the drug money and relationships and cars and being somebody amongst a bunch of nobodies...beyond these liquid posessions is LIFE...i mean he watches me on my laptop wearing glasses and argyle sweaters and loafers and im comming home from my warehouse job and sometimes he smiles and it makes me wonder if it's laughing at me my clothes or if he's happy im not riding anymore..riding is the term gangsters use to describe themselves n their way of life.. being a rider means you will ride for your click your team your familia your money your drug spot or your name...hence my introduction,,convictions of a writer....my older brother wrote me in prision before i was released and he said my new motto should be {no more riding]...i was released about 8 yrs early because i began to evolve..i didn't change.. i hate that fuckn word...i evolved.....when i came home i had the best intentions of changing but about two hour out i was already checking my clicks drug spots and getting on deck with some work[crack] to ensure i could still be a somebody in the northside..aka the sreets i came up on...anyway back to tressy..my mom..i won't write her real name but this was her nickname and i'l refer to it often in these pages...she's been gone since i was thirteen and was in prison most of my life before that..in the early 80's when she got parole and her life ended part of mine ended as well.....thats when the hate began..when it all started for me..........to be continued...