GERALDINE

About 98% of what i write or say i have taken from someone else..Some book,Movie,Song ect ect..So anyways i have for about the past year liked this song i had heard sometime back..In this song the guy is talking about basically being there for someone and at the end he calls himself a social worker...Anyhow i just the other day purchased the song and have since been replaying it in my car on my computer ..In my mind the lyrics roll over and over...At the beginning of this song i like the guy states "ill be there when you decide to AVENGE your soul...So lets begin there shall we?? My main goals in life are to repair things and be admirable...Alot of people tell me to just forget the past and move forward...So when i come here to talk i also explain why i do what i do...Yesterday was a Sunday and i mostly was putting together a home theater system and having a few beers and eating manudo "a pastime favorite of mine...its helps the weak stomach" Anyways i was putting together wires and stuff and trying to figure out dmi or hdmi or hd or whatever and just kind of going along easily through my day..My wife was at the coffee shop doing her school work and i was home by myself for the most part.My cousin who shares the same christian name as me was going to stop by in awhile and i was happy cuz i hadn't seen him in about 4 months...So around 4pm i guess my wife came home and i was showing her the new home entertainment setup. I was a good four beers into my day when my cousin showed up and usually when we see each-other we drink most of the alcohol in the county that night..Just kidding but what i mean to say is we go through some beers while we catch up on life stories and work and whatnot.We tend to go back and fourth from the living room to the balcony where my cousin can take a smoke or two and we can talk about the old times and not offend anyone too much...Most of the old days he remembers i was like 15 or 16 and either going to commit a crime coming from committing a crime or thinking about a crime..He still to this day idolizes that nonsense..He always reminds me of stories where i would flash guns around in front of him or maybe take him along for car thefts or in the later years i would show up in Vegas where he lived and we would have suites at the mirage and i would come flashing all the spoils of my criminal lifestyle..He was even there the night before i got the big indictment that sent my ass off to prison for many many years...So anyways we were out there on the balcony yesterday kicking around some stories of the past and he was telling me of a bar fight he;d been in sometime back where my dad was present at the time..Him and my dad were watching the NFL one Sunday and some loudmouth started a fight and my cousin threw some punches and i heard my dad even chased some guy down the parking lot...hahahah That's a funny picture cuz my dad is a super nice guy who probably hasn't had to be tough since his high school days but what are you gonna do my cousin was in a fight so the chaos brushed against my dad for a minute..Well as my cousin told me this story i sipped a swig of my beer and said"Whats wrong with you punching some guy with my dad there?" "Whats the matter with you i asked?" My cousin put out his cigarette and said whats wrong with me?? what would you have done if some guy started a fight in front of your father at a bar and said some disrespectful things to your dad too??Ill tell you what he said..You would have shot the guy...We laughed about it for a few and talked a little more then proceeded to just play x-box drink a few more beers and call it a late night...This is where i am with this...When my cousin first said those words "you would have shot the guy" We both laughed but it was uncomfortable and the alcohol dulls the senses so it mostly slid off me until later..I was driving to work this morning and started to laugh about my cousins story and while i laughed a hot tear ran down my face then another and another then no more...I listened to my new song and when i heard the guy say i will be there when you decide to avenge your soul..Well lets just say i understood many things today....I explained before how the guy in the song calls himself a social worker...That's what i want to be..Your social worker..Not as a profession or anything but more like the ones the word itself remind me of..Maybrit..One of my many step-parents who's profession i recently learned was that of a social worker..That's how i came to her for the short time i was with her ...i believe i was around 5 or 6 when she took me in and tried to adopt me..I hadn't heard form her again until about 25 years later which would be last summer i believe...I found her and she's 86 years young and when i went to the same house i lived in with her to visit i was in awe that i was still there..I had never left..Right there on the walls were my pictures and her photo albums i was there and my belongings were still there..She told me she took me in at that young age because she knew things were happening to a boy that shouldn't happen...I won't go to far into mine and hers past or present relationship..Its something i mostly hold dear to myself and only let a little of that ever be seen..Some other social workers i have encountered are my older brother and my moms brother whom to me is DAD..He took me and my brother in way back when and he taught us what being a man was all about...sure i strayed but i owe a lot of my present life to his upbringing. My wife teaches second grade in the lower income area...These influences aren't just my social workers they are everyone's..I have written about doing righteous things and evolving...This is my direction to social worker status..Its hard for me to hear or remember stories or descriptions of how i used to be..Just a few minutes before writing this i read my brothers comment to a previous blogg i had written and he said he was scared i have secrets that will unwind and be my undoing...Its okay though..No matter my situation he shouldn't worry...after prison and all that gangster shit and The descriptions of a former me ..he shouldn't sweat it because i choose to Avenge my soul...That's social work ..To me it is anyway..The reason i cant detain the tears when hearing about my prior lifestyle is because avenging your soul doesn't happen overnight..Its forever i feel like..I doubt people even would know when they Avenge their own soul..You can pretty much take the word soul when i use it and refer to your heart..or my heart...The soul and heart are one and the same in my mind..I have in the past couple years since being out of prison i have tried to make amends with my heart..It's really hard to make your heart believe you wont damage it again..your soul......See its hard to swallow when your family remembers the you that would shoot someone..Words to you but heart betrayal at its realist for me...How can you stray so far that you are described as something that would kill over no more the some words?? A bar fight? A look???Like my brother my heart awaits the relapse im certain..I just want to be talked about in 80 yrs as a social worker...I have alot of work to do but for me it started with paying back my soul for all I've taken from it...Once i talked about my writings and told someone i want them ..my words i mean to be heard and remembered..You seek immortality i was told...In these writings i try to heal..heal me heal you heal whomever will listen..For now it's some of my social work..When you think you have done to much to go on and to much to go back then you need someone...You need angel on your shoulder..you know someone who will be there to support you as you repair your soul..These types don't have to do what they do but they just do..They come to your side when you want to begin healing..Its hard for me to fathom myself ever being described as a social worker but my heart is here for whoever i can reach..I am surrounded by friends family and co-workers and earlier today i sent an email to a person in my office whom rubs me the wrong way and we don't have a good re-pore at all to say the least..Anyway i emailed this person to come out to my dept and come by my desk for a few minutes if they had time..About fifteen minutes later i swung my chair around and heard my co-workers voice ask me what was up??? I almost started crying..When you avenge your soul it takes a tole and it's humbling for a former supposed to be tuffguy..So i swung my chair around and started to talk but mostly i rambled before pulling myself together...I then just said hey the other day i was busy as hell and out of the corner of my eye i saw you struggling with your own workload and i was really stressed with my own stuff but i want you to know i wish i would have helped you because im not that person..Im not the person that sees someone who needs help and because i don't see eye to eye with them i decide not to help..No i don't want you to think of me that way//Its been over a week since that happened but i wanted you to know everyday since it bothered me that i didn't help..It bothered me that you probably think im an asshole cuz i was acting like one...I don't want situations to affect me so much that others would describe me as less then all heart...This person said don't sweat it and smiled and i Avenged a small piece....Small pieces are okay for now i just Want to be described someday as the opposite of my prior way of living thinking and acting...My heart is that of a social workers..I believe i have a soul like Geraldine!!