SHELTERING THOMAS

As a parent we try and protect our children right? We learn it from our parents.our friends parents, or maybe we just see it on television?? When my son was first born i surrounded my house with childproof everything!!! I installed a car seat i did it all!!But that's not what this is about...My son is 16 now and next year hes a senior..That's when it hit me...My wife and i were talking the other night about my son graduating high school and i went back in my head across the years of his life...I was considering sending my son to a regular high school for his senior year!!My teen years and young adult hood were scattered with violence gang-banging and prison...One day when i had been in prison about 5 years already some guy i was talking to on the yard saw a picture on my wall and said he knew that kid...That kid i said is my son Tommy Jr!! The guy who said he knew my son from the street said he was Pauls brother..a fellow gang member and soldier in the same prison click as myself! Over the next hour or so the guy told me street stories and said how at many of these events my son was in the vicinity..more of an observer my son was as he at the time was around 11 yrs old!!The guy said my son was a good kid and looked forward to having my son be part of the hood..The team..The click!! I felt sick!!Over the next few hours i shot out letters to everyone in my gang n made threats along with promises all in hopes of deterring anyone from putting my lil Tommy on the hood..aka jumping him into the same bullshit that was killing my life as well as 100's of lives inside the very walls that contained my violence!!I had horrible visions of my son sitting where i was at that time in life...sitting there in silence...waiting for a war to spark...for a visit...for a letter....for some drugs to flood the cell blocks...Over the next few weeks i received letters saying a blanket was placed on my sons well being and he wouldn't be jumped in unless i either gave permission or died!! at that point the buzzards would circle!! I used to get visits regularly from my son while i journeyed down my plight!! I would tell my son one thing and he would watch me do another... I remember when the judge handed down 12 yrs and 6 years consecutive the first face i turned to was my sons..he was all of 5 or 6 at the time and i remember smiling when he threw up the neighborhood with his fingers as they drug me back to my cell!!So here we are..My son like i said before is 16..i have since given up the gang life and all that it entails..My son will graduate next year with a class of 2010 students hes never seen..never been in a classroom with...never met before..My son has many friends..One is actually real...I don;t approve of his one friend but what am i to do??protect him from his one real friend too?? ya see my son goes to school online ..his social network is all online..he is shy and has almost no sun on his face unless i can drag him out fishing or some family event!! he grew up on x-box live and virtual networks on the web!!At times i am so fucking glad hes not a gang member or a drug addict...I look at his gentle demeanor and it settles my heart that he's a good boy..He has almost no life and no girlfriends and no vitamin d in his life!!I have done everything in my life to protect him from the Ugly things Ive witnessed in the lifestyle i lived for way too long!!My family members have many opinions on my sons well being and the consensus is the concern for his social behavior or lack there of may be detrimental...I thought i was protecting him from becoming me..I don't know how his life will go? I always thought i was being a father..a protective father.....When i stare into my sons eyes i feel guilt.. i see stress and i feel awful...other times i see his good heart and i feel really good!!Well his life is almost his own now..I mean he's a year away from adulthood!!! I hope one day he knows i tried to save him!!!!